i have a headache.
i've said that phrase a lot throughout my blogs.
why do i always write when i have a headache?
i don't know.
anyways...

my throat is sore from the pats game yesterday,
but i don't mind.
it was sweet,
i had an excellent time,
even considering that i was sitting next to chuck.
he's not so bad i guess.
kinda wimpy,
likes to think he knows more than he does,
probably not the best my sister could get,
but he's not so bad.

my mom has been saying that she misses brad lately though.
he was around for almost 7 years.
that's a long time.
he was there for a lot of memories,
it's understandable.
i wonder if he ever misses us?
i mean, i'm sure he might miss lexi occasionally,
but i wonder if he misses the rest of our family?
after all, he was pretty much my "older brother figure."
maybe he misses me like a little brother?
i don't know.

it's hard to decide whether or not i really miss him.
he was around a long time,
but then he just left.
i was too young,
it wasn't really my business,
i don't have all the details,
but what i do know is that one day he was here,
being his usual bitchy hard ass self and all wasn't awesome,
but it was ok.
then he left and things changed.
people started getting upset with him and he wasn't here to defend himself so it stuck.
my sister was confused.
i was confused.

my mom regrets her decision on him, i think.
it wasn't really her choice to make.
was it the smart one?
maybe, but that's beside the point.

i think lexi still gets christmas cards from his aunt and mom.
they probably miss her the same way that my mom misses him.
personally, i just don't know.
he was around for a long time.
he taught me a lot more than i think either of us realized at the time.
it's hard when a person with so much influence over you just leaves for no apparent reason.
i don't know if i miss him,
but i definitely wonder if he misses me...

"Here are some things I hate: Nirvana, anything Kurt Cobain related actually. Emo bands . Emo bands that think they are deep and that no one understands them . Myspace people who take profound and intellectual pictures like anyone gives a shit . Myspace girls who are always making that stupid face and giving the peace sign . Hippies . Hardcore Kids . Drugs . Drinking . Born-agains . UMass Lowell . Napolean Dynamite (never saw it, but I didn't need to see the Titanic to know it was shitty) . Taking Back Sunday . Brand New . Thursday . Scientology . Movie Stars . Jihadists . Bands that think they have good guitar players, a tough image, lots of tattoos, piercings, burlesque dancers in music videos, then start talking about their tough tattoos in guitar magazines, only allow themselves to be interviewed in strip clubs, no im not talking about motley crue they actually wrote good songs and their image was no different than who they were, im talking about avenged sevenfold . Atreyu . Kids who think Gym Class Heroes are rap . Shitty movies . The Lord Of The Rings . Brokeback Mountain . Anime . An Inconvient Truth . The Liberal Agenda . anyone who has ever typed "kthanx", so fucking annoying(just so you know i didnt type it, i copy and pasted it, i hate it that much) . as i lay dying(the band, not the book, it makes me even more mad a band would take the title of such a great story then suck so fucking bad) . Democrats . Commies (they are just democrats in a hurry.) PETA. Greenpeace. Bands like The Chariot that not only bad, but are really concerned with their image. I also can't stand music that is all about being deep, and having some sort of meaning and a secret of life to it. I hate bands that try to write concept albums like they are some type of modern day Pink Floyd. I also hate bands that consider themselves "indie" whatsoever. I hate bands that strum like crazy on acoustic guitars with nasally vocals, I hate bands that think they have "original" instrumentation by having what they consider to be 1 "weird" instrument. You're not original. I hate people that think they are awesome by pulling out an acoustic to "express their feelings within their heart", and go on to play some shitty typical chord progression that they will profess is original and unique sounding. I hate it when these same damn bands actually convince people that they are good. Play on your acoustic, keep acting like you are totally original, you're not. And stop acting like you are putting your soul on the strings because you're not. If you want to hear what that "soul on the strings" sounds like, check out some Robert Johnson, check out some Son House, Bukka White, Blind Boy Fuller, Blind Willie McTell, T-Bone Walker, Peter Green, Eric Clapton, Mike Bloomfield, Tony Iommi, Albert King, Albert Lee, Freddie King, B.B. King, Otis Rush, Buddy Guy, Jimmy Vaughan, Jimmy Page, Eddie Van Halen, Stevie Ray Vaughan, Paul Kossoff, Ronnie Earl, Duke Rollibiard, Ace Frehley, Dimebag Darrell, Joe Bonamassa, Ted Nugent, Derek Trucks, Warren Haynes. Actually if you stop listening to you shitty "indie rock" and you open your ears, you'll hear it. But you aren't finding it in this indie rock bullshit that kids cling on to like it's telling their lifestory when it isn't. Play acoustic, play those chords, but don't tell me you're getting to the "soul" of the music and of yourself when you sound like everyone else and your music means nothing to no one and it is just a sad attempt to try and recieve some sort of attention. Even by me doing this you are probably feeling happy that I am giving you this attention even though it is negative attention. By the way, if you think this is about you; it now is. Stop being so self-centered."
-John40

how can anyone hate so much?
i used to think it was funny,
but now i see it as just the same tired hateful nonsense that the world just doesn't need;
it's unnecessary, it's stupid.
you're never gonna change man,
i kinda feel bad for you now that i think about it.

i wasn't gonna post this.
it's childish to disparage someone for things they say.
but it's also childish to be so jealous just because i'm in another band.
i never quit our band.
i love our band.
but this is the second time i've been kicked out,
and this time you didn't even have the balls to tell me yourself or even call or anything,
i had to find out on my own.
that's childish.

well, here ya go, i can be childish too, dick...

"you got no time for the messenger,
got no regard for the thing that you don't understand,
you got no fear of the underdog,
that's why you will not survive!"

just taking a break from singing and tony-dancing with my dog.
i love my dog.
i'm hungry.
life can be fun...

wow, what an eventful evening.
must be the weather.

tis the season to look back on the year,
or the years,
and try to make sense of it all.
as my year comes to a close,
i find myself counting my loose ends.
i never realized just how many there were.

people only ever talk about spring cleaning.
what gives?
especially when winter cleaning is so much more intense...

i don't mind being the go-to guy in times of emergency.
it lets me know that my friends put faith in me as a person.
i like that.
it feels good to know that someone trusts you with their life in times of need.
that's a big thing,
and a manageable thing to.
i can help,
that's not so hard.
that's why i love us so much.
none of us really need each,
we're all independent enough to go it alone,
but since we have each other,
why not take a little help?
there is more openness, more caring, more trust.
these are my kinda people...

"hey, don't mind me, i'm just hangin' off the edge of a cliff here."

music is nice.
it makes me feel good in a world where people think they have the right to grade me like a piece of meat.

or maybe i'm just pissed 'cause i can't bullshit my way through everything?

life was bound to catch up with me at some point...

my teeth feel funny.

i need to pick a song.

i can't wait for this semester to be over.

i can't wait to be done with school...

"pardon me,
while i burst into flames.
i've had enough of the world,
and it's peoples mindless games..."

it was kinda an outburst.
well, less of an outburst,
more of a "this is the first response that popped into my head, so this is what i'm saying."
no, it's not fair.
i'm sorry.

memories can be forgotten with time,
scars, especially the deep ones, force you to remember,
forever.
i'm not trying to make you feel guilty,
or have it seem as though i was hurt anymore than you were,
i never was,
i just want you to understand where i'm coming from.

do you see it?
do you like it?
do you want some more?
no, didn't think so.
don't feel bad,
most people don't even get so deep.

and upon confirmation,
this marks the millionth occasion in which someone else just did it better.
i'm over it.
i'm tired of it.
i'm putting it to bed.

"pardon me,
while i burn to rise above the flames.
pardon me, pardon me,
i'll never be the same..."

i'm having a crisis.
i haven't really read a book since the second grade.
i'm a rebellious artist.
where did my intellectual aspirations go?
where did my sport star dreams end up?
why does the similar length of those lines freak me out?
how did i end up this way?
it wasn't my parents, i don't think.
where do i go from here?
"becoming an artist..." sounds like a good title,
maybe i'll use it.
my stomach hurts.
just decided that this is some sort of 'stream of consciousness,'
it's the only way i can explain it.
my house is full of people and i'm sitting on the computer,
but i'm not anti-social.
i've talked to people and if they talked to me now i'd stop and respond.
i have to go to work in an hour.
i've had far too much caffeine today.
this is a pinnacle moment in my prolonged quarter-life crisis;
finding my place in the cosmos.
i BSed my way through school,
a testament to both my "cleverness over intellect" mind and the American educational system.
Marc just called, forgot my place.
i have no clue what a Professional Communication major even does.
what the fuck am i gonna do with my life?
who cares?
god damn you, "Mr. magorium's wonder emporium!"
i am mocked by a picture of a younger me.
well, maybe not mocked,
but definitely observed.
i don't want to go to work.
my eyes hurt.
a teacher from my high school is plastered at my house right now.
well, she might not be plastered, but she's definitely had a few.
she's not driving.
it's not really that weird, she married my cousin,
but it's still kinda weird.
i'm on the computer and the house is full of people,
buzzed people,
talking very loudly.
this has been a record of my thoughts over the noise,
or has it been record of the noise over my thoughts?
what i wouldn't give for some clarity...

i've grown to enjoy tuesdays;
something which i've never done before.
tuesdays have always been my least favorite day of the week,
and i still grunt when i think of the long days i have at school every tuesday because it is kinda exhausting,
but lately it hasn't been so bad.
since my laptop has been broken,
i've been forced to hang out in the computer lab.
it's come to be my "internet day,"
my "blog day."
i know, it sounds nerdy,
and it is,
but it's the truth and i enjoy it.
it gives me time to sit quietly and collect my thoughts,
time to recap on the week's events.

in addition, i always go home after voice singing,
which is always a good time.
i do love to sing.

i like reading other people's blogs.
people intrigue me.
i don't like the lame commercial blogs that are meant to have some sort of point though.
those blogs just bug me because they are totally one-sided,
setting all ideas and feelings in one direction.
they just don't seem honest.
i like the ones that random people write,
about nothing but their everyday lives.
those are the best ones.
one can really learn something about a person,
you learn to sympathize with that person,
and people in general.

i think i hit the "return" button too hard;
i surprise myself every time.
note to self:
stop hitting "return" button so damn hard.

anyways,
with a lack of theme,
this entry is spent.
on to tuesday voice class...

i love music.
it'd be nice to make a career out of it,
but the truth is that it probably won't happen.
not because i'm not determined,
i plan on trying despite the odds,
but rather because people play music for their whole lives and don't get anywhere,
and they're better than me.
i love music.
i need it.
i'll never stop playing.
a career doesn't matter to me.
i would love to be able to play music exclusively,
but it wouldn't be so bad if things didn't workout that way.
i'll always have my music,
it'll never leave me...

daniel johnston - "silly love"

i've come this far and i know i can make it.
i've got a broken heart and you can't break a broken heart.
i come knocking at your door,
you don't love me anymore,
but i just can't give up,
'cause i don't know what to do about it.

you must be wrong if you think you don't love me.
you could smile down on and put a happy ending to my song.
i come knocking at your door,
you don't live there anymore.
is it just a memory,
or am i a little crazy for you?

if there's no love, i just can't believe it.
i've got a broken mind and only you can relieve it.
i don't remember who you are.
are you someone that i saw?
'cause i really am confused,
but i think that i still love you.

i just determined the best way to describe how doomed to loneliness i am:

i'm "a keeper," that doesn't get kept.

i'm dysfunctional like a misfit toy;
i can get 'em to love me,
everyone says i'm a catch and "a keeper,"
but when it comes down to it,
i just can't keep 'em around.

i'm a misfit boy,
trapped on a forgotten island,
and santa won't find someone to love me...

"if i were the keys, then where would i be?
if it's up to me, then i would be free."

i've said it before,
and i'll say it again:
i hate schedules.
i hate planning.

everything is so set right now,
it makes me ill.

class at this time,
work at that time.
this paper due today,
this test tomorrow.
uh-oh, if that test is tomorrow,
then time must be arranged before then to study.
that means that this errand will have to wait until three days from now.... blah-blah-blah-blah-bullshit.
and we're back to my never ending theme:
freedom, or my lack thereof.

what do i want?
i want to live on my own terms,
entirely my own terms.
life should not be scheduled.

"life is what happens while we're making plans."

sure, i could just do what i want.
i could follow my heart and pursue a life of freedom,
but there are so many people that depend on me,
so many people with such high hopes for me.

and they'll say,
"what a shame. the boy had such.......potential."

when you're young,
your parents tell you that you can be anything you want when you grow up.
well, what if you just want to be you?
without any purpose or restrictions,
i just want to be me...

today, pat and i wrote a song,
it sounds incredible and the lyrics are pretty relevant as of late.
it only seems appropriate that they be posted considering its title.
here goes nothing:

The Words Unspoken

I'm done dying to know,

What's going on in you head.

Holy hedonist, just want to live a bit,

On my own.

Experience pleasures --

Leave memories to the diaries and blogs.

Or, better yet,

Just straight forget about you;

Pack my brains up and move on.

I'm such a catch,

You're such a wreck.

I'm gaining ground,

You're closing up your stride.

If you really married him,

It would be a sin,

As the boredom would swallow you whole,

Then heave you straight into suicide.

Don't let your shame get the best of you, anymore.

You'd never sold out your friends before.

You know we're much more,

Then what we're pretending,

'Cause we understand each other;

All our idiosyncrasies.

Keep your pants on,

Your secrets are safe with me.

Or take them off,

And I'll love you holistically,

Against your values,

But change is among us,

And now is the time to act.

You know I love you,

But I just can't stand it,

That you'd love a man like that.

You know we're much more...

so,
in 40 minutes my future will be all set.
i'll be a Professional Communications major,
with minors in Music and History.
cool.

now that that's out of the way,
i was thinking a lot last night about how people would react if i died suddenly,
like if i died in a car accident or something.
what would people do?
how would they feel?
who would bother to come to my funeral?
what would my family do with my stuff?
it's not a new subject for me,
in fact, i've thought about that for years,
far before most kids ever even really have a realistic grasp on what death is.
for the longest time,
i looked at it as a depressing sort of thing;
just another way for me to mentally break myself down to nothing,
but now it's different,
i don't see it as depressing at all.
for the first time,
i've come to view this personally common scenario in a new light.

why am i so bent on this and a slew of other scenes i lay out in my head?
simple: it's theatrics.
i'm looking for a story.
my whole life i've wanted to be a character,
like in a book or movie.
i'm not saying that i want the action packed lifestyle that i used to read about in my comic books,
i'm saying i want a story,
just a life worth reading about,
worth talking about.
that's what i get when i think about stupid shit like that,
i become the star of my own movie;
it's all dialogue and character development.
i'm not breaking down my mind,
i'm exercising my mind,
i'm exercising my creativity.
it's not me who's dying,
it's my character.
yet another cool.

man, life sure is getting easier now that i'm starting to figure out who i really am...

fuck, fuck.
fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
fuck, fuck,

FFFFF U U CC K K
F U U C C K K
FFF U U C K K
F U U C K K
F U U C C K K
F UU CC K K.


what i'd give to just fucking... ugh.
people can be stupid.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 *breathe*

calm is good,
this is a new time,
a time to chill,
think round,
let it roll off.

life can be so trying.
sometimes it's not what's best for you,
but rather what makes you happy,
now.
happiness is key.
it's the only sane reason for living.
call me a hedonist,
but that's what i'm all about these days.

happiness is key...

people are strange.
headaches are lame.
this computer lab is far too openly private for my taste.
call me a loner,
but i think dicking around on the computer is something that should really be done in your own private little area.
i like to feel like what i'm doing or looking at on the Internet is an exclusive sort of thing.
i'm well aware that millions of people could be looking at the very same thing as me at all times,
but i still would rather just be on the computer without other people in the room to hover over me or something,
it's just some sort of odd security issue i have.
or maybe i just miss my laptop.
viruses are for suckers.

you know what would be sweet right now?
a massage.
i don't mean one of those light friendly massages,
i mean a fucking hardcore massage.
i want someone to just start beating my neck and back until it doesn't ache anymore,
like one of those big hairy foreign dudes with a jet black handlebar mustache and a bellowing laugh rivaled only by that of Paul Bunyan or Santa Claus.
that'd be sweet.

i would have said one of those crazy asian chicks,
but they use their feet and that kinda weirds me out.
i'm sure it would still feel awesome,
but that underlying "eww" would definitely linger in the back of my mind.
feet just weird me out.

"killing time" is a funny term.
at least for me it is,
at least right now,
because as much as i'm "killing time" right now,
i'm actually enjoying myself a little bit.
in my geography class,
which is supposed to be a productive time,
i feel like blah.
i think that some education should be considered "killing time,"
because essentially that's all it is if you're not interested,
it's a waste.
time spent not enjoyed;
now that's "killing time."
required courses are lame-o.
people should have the freedom to learn only as much as they want to without being penalized for it.
if ignorance is bliss,
then why deny people their right to happiness?
i will be as dumb as i want and enjoy every second of it.
breaking life down into tiny fractals just makes the world so complicated,
why can't we just deal in solids like every other creature on the planet?
why can't we just take life for what it is?
we've become prisoners to our own intelligence.
freedom,
at least true freedom, has become a lost cause.
freedom is a fantasy,
freedom is my fantasy.
oh, how i'd leave to feel ultimate freedom just once in my life...

tension is annoying.
i owned, i win.

i don't even know what i'm talking about.
i've been up for a good thirty-six hours.
it's interesting.
i like it,
too much.
i could get used to this.
but then again,
i could get used to a lot of things.

again,
not quite sure what i mean by that,
but it was the first thing that popped into my silly skull and thus seemed appropriate.
mm mm... zen.

this is my life,
i kinda dig it.
weird.

"all i ever had,
redemption songs, redemption songs..."

fuck my laptop and its stupid fucking virus!
you don't know how pissed i am that i'm on a school computer instead of my own right now.
it really gets me super-steamed.

(sigh)

can i go home now?
seriously,
i just want to get out of here.
actually, fuck that.
i don't even really feel like going home.
can i just go now?

"it's a fresh start out here. i like it."

maybe i should've gone further away.
maybe i should've just up and left town,
just said,
"sorry everybody, but i've gotta leave for a while. see you at the reunion."
what would people have done?
would they even notice?
i'd probably end up being one of those "i remember when..." friends;
the kind that is brought up occasionally, remembered, and then forgotten all over again.
what would i do on my own?
what would i do with a fresh start?
i guess i'll never know until i actually go out and look for one.

i'd be able to survive.
i learn fast enough that i could adapt to most living conditions pretty quickly.
i'm not too picky when it comes to living standards.
i could make it as a bum if i really had to.
actually,
in some fucked up sort of hippie/hobo way,
i think i might prefer the life of a bum,
at least then i'd be free to go wherever and do most anything without regulation.

honestly, here's what i want to do:
i want to work odd labor jobs, everywhere.
just stop some place, work for a while, make some money, and then leave.
i don't really want to pay for a house,
so i figure that maybe i could live out of my car or something;
i'd buy a van, that'd be plenty of room.
i could park at rest stops to chill.
they have public bathrooms all over the place,
and there are ways of taking sweet showers with these bag things from EMS,
so i'm not worried about that aspect of my plan.
my cell phone would provide more than enough phone service for me,
and my lap top (provided that it fucking works) could go online at most Starbucks all over the country.
i'd buy food just like any normal person would at a grocery store,
only i'd probably buy less at a time and less food that needed to be cooked,
like fruits and vegetables and stuff.
what would i be without?
nothing.
it would be awesome,
and always exciting.
fuck social standards.
fuck what other people say i'm supposed to want.
that vagrant lifestyle is exactly what i want,
my life's ambition is to be a drifter...

"la la la la-la la, la-la-la-la la la la-la la laaa"

well, it's been an interesting week,
to say the least.
eventful if nothing else.
i'd go into detail but i have this horrible feeling like i'm being spied on.
like someone is reading my blogs with the intention of using them against me.
i don't like that feeling.
i don't appreciate it.
i don't appreciate quite a few things that happened this week,
it's just quite disconcerting.

i don't like drama,
but the only thing i dislike even worse than that:
when drama goes unaddressed.
to just act like nothing happened is stupid.
i should probably say something soon.
i will.

change is good.
we could all use a little change right now.
at least i know i could...

totally caught in a cloud of procrastination right now.
i'm just not in the mood for a primary document essay.

people take "undeclared" as a bad thing,
i don't.
in fact, it is my favorite term as of late.
it just fits perfect for me,
it's what i want to be.
my goal in life is to be undeclared, forever.

who decided that we had to make big choices all the time anyways?

i don't want to make a choice because i don't want to be limited.
people should have the right to do anything they want,
or nothing at all,
without the pressure of being wholly committed to anything.

i want the freedom to study something one day, and drop it the next.
i want the freedom to move somewhere, and then just leave without any of my stuff.
i just want to be free, does that make me selfish?
no, i suppose not.

oh, what i would give to live the life of a vagrant,
if only the world was more giving...

i'm searching for essence,
in more than one way.
a thought to help me feel,
a drug to take it all away.

i don't get sick anymore.
i have new priorities now.
it's weird to think how much i've really taken to this thing.
i guess i forgot how it feels not to feel,
i kinda like it.
baggage is overrated,
who needs it.

i think i'm getting closer to the person i want to be,
which is kinda an odd statement seeing what i've bee up to lately.
i just don't care anymore.

i keep writing, "i guess," and, "i think," in these things;
i've gotta learn to make a solid statement,
without any second guessing.
so:

we all reach a point in our lives where nothing matters.
who knows why it happens?
some people may have epiphanies,
some people may be under the influence of mind altering drugs when it happens,
some people probably even study philosophy and psychology and gradually comes to terms with it.
me?
i'm one of the majority class who comes to realize this fact when their chips are down and their forced to make a move.
you get backed into a corner,
frightened, ready to pounce,
but once you realize their really isn't anything you can do,
and anything you did do wouldn't help much anyways,
you stand up,
brush yourself off,
regain your composure and say,
"fuck this shit, i'm out!"
then you walk away.

success isn't the key,
love isn't the key,
hate certainly isn't the key,
so what is?
indifference, i say, because frankly, who gives a shit?
i've come to realize that life moves a lot more smoothly if you just go with the flow and don't care about things like the future or success.
and it definitely moves more smoothly if you stop caring about other peoples ideals;
everybody has right to think and feel whatever,
we're all cool in our own way,
so let's just chill and go with the flow.
i like that.
go with the flow,
a liquid approach,
i've been a solid for too long.
liquid is in...

ps - if you're reading this, it's good to have you back. give me a call, we should chill. i'd like that.

i am so goddamn hungry.
it's fucking 2:43 in the afternoon and i haven't eaten or drank anything today.
i was gonna buy a drink, but i didn't have enough money.
so, empty my stomach remains until i get home around 5.
i'm tired.
i have a headache, probably because i haven't eaten anything.
i smell like shit because i woke up late and didn't take a shower this morning.
i skipped out on the first shuttle i saw on the chance that i could park up at mckay but there was no room so i screwed myself and showed up later than i should have.
i missed a quiz.
i'm on the back end of a 3 hour between classes.
BLAH! BLAH! BLAH! BLAH!

i didn't approach this post intending it to be a bitch fest,
it just turned out that way.
stupid shit makes me pissed.
i just don't want to be in school right now...

are we doomed to be just like our parents when we grow up?
is it really inevitable?

i feel like maybe everything was kinda determined before i had any say.

i don't want to have kids i think.
the more and more i think about it,
i just wouldn't want to subject any kid to the sort of mindset i have.
and yes,
the thought that i might not have any say is a driving force to this thought.
it makes me think that no mater how hard i try to make the kid a better person than myself,
he still gonna end up a fucking loser by nature.
it just seems so hopeless...

why are none of my fucking pictures working?!
i hate computers (states the guy who has been on his for all entirely too long today).
life is being ruined by technology.

i love watching animal planet.
you know why?
because it's just so fucking natural.
you can get more drama than any soap can offer,
more humor than any sitcom can offer,
and more competition than any professional sport could offer,
all presented by none other than our very own mother nature.

life as we know it is a distraction,
an illusion if you will.
we are just wasting time.
as creatures,
we are made to eat, sleep, shit, reproduce, and die;
the circle of life continues.
but what we have done,
and what we are doing is destroying life for no reason other than keep up our distractions,
rather THE distraction that we call our everyday life.
work - distraction.
school - distraction.
TV - distraction.
internet - distraction.
life - distraction.
because think about it,
so much of our lives are spent on these distractions,
that they should pretty much just take on the title themselves.

money?
probably the most ridiculous concept in the world.
a concept which was indefinitely thought up by someone who had a lot of something and lied to make it worth more than it was.
money only makes sense when you have the most,
otherwise, it's complete bullshit.

i'm tired.
i'm tired of living in distraction...
(states the guy who has been on his computer for all entirely too long today)

isn't great how love is so impeccable while you're in it,
and yet so pathetically mediocre while you're out of it?
like that band that's super popular even though no one will admit to listening to them.
just between you and them it's sweet,
but not in public,
never in public.

yaghck, love, phoo-ee.
i honestly don't even want it.
i just would like someone to chill with and screw,
someone cool enough that i enjoy talking with them and someone who's down for getting a little bit freaky,
is that too much too ask?

oh, my hippie mistress,
where could you be?

"frosty breaths float about the giants face as he walks through the wilderness.
with eyes to make any mother cry in regret,
he reveals his own defiance as his worst enemy.
he continues down the path,
cloaking the size of his heart with a low brow,
pretending that no one can recognize his worst fear..."

we could talk for just a little while,
but not much longer because my ears keep sailing off.
it's good to know that you're still on my side.
consider yourself acknowledged...

man-as-a-scientist,
his ultimate aim is to predict and control.
disregard all previous teachings and consider that for a moment.

...

it's just so simple,
and yet so complex.
it holds the applicability of worker,
and the credit of a doctor.
it is all explaining.
it is perfect.

i am the definition of man-as-a-scientist...

i'm getting antsy.

bottom line:
i need to get laid...

oh sweet desperation, why do you haunt me so?

"maybe we don't want to be found?
maybe we don't want you tracking us down?"

i'm not inadequate.
i'm not inadequate.
i'm not inadequate.

well, now that all that obscure jibber-jabber is down,
maybe i can actually complete a thought.

i will never understand relationships.
never.
i am fucking clueless on the matter.

i just want someone to chill with.
i want someone who i enjoy talking to,
someone who enjoys talking to me.
i also want someone who i don't need to talk with all the time.
some of our favorite moments could be in complete silence.
i want someone who's into music,
not necessarily my music, just music.
i want someone who's gonna take me to bed after the party,
not even to do anything,
just someone to sleep next to me so i'm not alone.
and then,

i don't want them to leave me for someone else.

is that too much to ask?

caught up in the mix,
rolling in the shit,
drowning deep in a puddle of the sorely outlived.
searching for answers to questions,
new questions to pose:
am i really this fucked?
guess i'll never really know till i try it.
open up and take in,
till i break all the rules,
wash my body in the sins of all those who i'd warned against using in the past.
till i experience linoleum floors beneath my back.
covered in vomit and wine,
there's a smile on my face,
'cause i may smell a bit funky,
but i'm back in the race for emphatic good times,
with true friends and old foes.
so hate mongers go home,
'cause this is a new market and i ain't buying...

holy shit man.
i need to keep writing.
something, anything.
i just need to do something.
i'm going out of my fucking skull.

why did i do this to myself man?
what the fuck is wrong with me?
goddamn alcohol,
making me actually talk about what's on my mind.
i can't do that man.
i'm fucking nuts.
i'm pretty much crazy.
i know i freaked out joe.
he thinks i'm some kinda fucking emo loon now.
which is fine, i'm sure he won't hold it against me,
but it sucks nonetheless.
and marc,
i don't think he knew anything like that about me.
marc is cool though,
he's a lot like me so i'm sure we've had a lot of the same kinds of crazy problems.
but what really gets me is erin,
what does she think about some of the crazy stuff i was saying last night?
i doubt i'll ever really know because she's just like me.
and i held all of that shit in for a long time before it came out,
so i'm sure i'll never really know what she thinks about me now.
not unless she reads this,
like she said she read all of my other blogs,
and decides to give me a call so that we can set something up where we can talk to each other,
honestly,
intensely,
and most importantly,
sober...

fuck.
yup, that's right,
fuck.

that just about sums up where i'm at right now.
just a big old fashioned,
fuck.
what else is one to say?

i'm back to drinking and smoking,
fuck.
i got trashed and let out at least two years of repressed baggage in one night to my ex-girlfriend,
fuck.
i am now officially confused as to how i feel about a lot of people,
fuck.
and on top of all that,
school starts soon and i need a job,
double fuck.

you see,
fuck just about sums it up.
it is the perfect word for my current state of being.
however,
i do believe that the correct way to make fuck an adjective is to add an "ed."

i am fucked...

i love when new things turn out well.
new music is incredible.
i'm so excited,
and i just can't hide it.
i'm about to lose control and i think i like it.
(sorry, i had to)

i'm hungry.
it's so funny spending the day with marc because that kid just doesn't schedule any time to eat.
good times, good times.

so, the driving question,
why did you do it tony?
honestly, i don't know.
but i kept control and had a good time.
as long as i'm cautious,
i see no problem with my actions.
and if anyone does have a problem,
fuck 'em.

new haircut, new music, maybe new shoes soon, possibly a new job;
sounds like the forefront of a new era in the life of this starving rocker...

"frightened of jumping, in case (he) survives"

the story of my life...

i approach this blog with an unusual amount of determination,
or something like it.
honestly, i just don't know.

i am looking for a new beginning.
i am looking for the start of something great.
i need a sign,
i need something.
i just want to leave.
not to run away from the past,
but to start something new.
i'm so ready for the change.

i feel like i'm just not going anywhere,
like i'm just not doing what i should be doing.
i need a little more isolation i think.
some people get confused and they need to talk to someone,
i need to be left alone.
i need a shitty place to live.
i need no tv.
i need just work and music,
i need to make music my home.
i need to study.
i want to learn so much.

i have no clue what the fuck i'm talking about.
how will leaving change anything?
where would i go?

i think i might be holding them back.
i think they might be holding me back.
john could do better without me, berklee provides way more opportunities than the outside inn does and probably ever will.
nick has other things that are important to him now, which is good for him and i'm happy for him.
aaron is off doing the recording school thing, getting his life together.
sepe is really just an emt, he'll get tired of the band again soon i'm sure.
it just seems like we're all destined for something else.
we have always been a band that makes music we enjoy,
we never really cared how other people felt,
but now that we have to start thinking about whether people like it or not,
i have had to focus more keenly on whether i really like it or not,
and i'm beginning to question it all.
and what am i supposed to do?
just say "scrap it all, let's start fresh!"?
it doesn't work like that.
i don't have that power.
it'd be unfair.
i am so torn over this.

i don't know the whats, whys, or hows,
all i know is that i need some change,
and i need it really fucking' soon...

what the fuck?!
why am i so messed up?
i'm tired,
really tired.
i don't want to be doing this anymore,
living like this.
i feel sick almost,
like i'm always hungry but couldn't imagine eating anything.
my head hurts real easily.
i get frustrated with people for no reason.
i'm constantly unsatisfied with everything,
myself above all.
it sucks,
i want so badly to feel normal.

i think about it all the time.
i wonder if i could really do it.
would it even do anything for me?
maybe, just maybe...

have you ever thought about how nothing matters?
it's a grim concept,
i'll admit,
but isn't it kinda true?

i mean, think about it.
just ask yourself that age old cliche of a question,
"why are we here?"
i know it might seem stupid,
but seriously do it and try to come up with some sort of answer.

you can't.
it is impossible to come up with a definitive rational answer to that question.
the way i see it there is ultimately two trains of thought,
but neither actually answers the question.

one:
you could take the spiritual route and say that we're here to prepare ourselves for the eternal afterlife,
that life as we know it is just a buffer for something greater,
that our human lives are simply some sort of divine educational tool to teach us spiritual lessons and test our faith.
but i'd hardly call that rational.
i mean, if our lives are just a buffer for something else,
then there is good reason to believe that something else was a buffer for us and so on and so forth.
now my issue with that is that i don't recall any previous life right now,
so what's to say that it won't be the same in some other afterlife?
what's to say we won't begin that life as blank as we were when we were born here?
hell, what's to say it won't just be the same old shitty place there that it is here?
there's just too many loop holes and things to consider.
the thought of an afterlife is intriguing no doubt,
but just too much of a long shot for me.
of course, if you asked me,
i'd tell you that there is a 50/50 chance that some sort of spiritual afterlife exists,
either it does or it doesn't,
but i think realistically that the evidence leans more towards the negative.
it is unfortunate but true.

two:
you could take the path of the hippie/biologist,
the natural, "circle of life" sort of approach.
under this train of thought,
you might say that we are here as a part of some sort of life cycle,
that we and every other organism on the planet is here for the purpose of peaceful and harmonious coexistence.
this i think is much more true than the preceding idea but still,
does it really give us a purpose?
no, it doesn't.
there is no definitive purpose.
this answer only tells us what we are apart of while we are here,
it does not answer the 'why',
and without that 'why' answer,
there is no specified purpose to our lives.
we are brought right back to where we started,
with the question, "why are we here?"

taking everything i have just told you into consideration,
the best answer that i can come up with is this:

no reason.

that's it.
we are here for no reason.
so many people huffin' and puffin' over the topic and the answer is as simple as that,
there is no reason for us to be here,
no reason for us to be living life.
life does not matter.
nothing matters.

we go to school for years...
for nothing.
we focus our lives to working and succeeding...
for nothing.
we even waste our lives searching for things like love and happiness...
for nothing.
everything we do is for meaningless.
nobody wants to hear it and it sucks to say,
but in all honesty,
nothing matters.

now, some people would call me a pessimist.
they'd say that i'm an incredibly negative person and i have a horrible outlook on life.
well i disagree.
i think i'm a realist,
and the unfortunate and simple reality is that our lives are meaningless on a large scale.
i'm seen as negative because our society has labeled this idea as negative,
but that's not what i'm going for.
i'm not trying to be negative or positive,
i'm just trying to figure things out...

"you hear about some kid who did something stupid, something desperate. what possessed him? how could he do such a terrible thing? well, it's really quite simple actually. consider the life of a teenager, you have parents and teachers telling you what to do, you have movies, magazines, and tv telling you what to do, but you know what you have to do. your job, your purpose is to get accepted, get a cute girlfriend, think up something great to do for the rest of your life. what if your confused and can't imagine a career? what if you funny-looking and can't get a girlfriend? you see, no one wants to hear it, but the terrible secret is that sometimes being young is less fun than being dead. suicide is wrong, but the interesting thing about it is how uncomplicated it seems. you know, there you are, you've got all these problems swarming around in your brain and here is one solution, one incredibly simple solution. i'm just surprised it doesn't happen everyday around here...

now, they're saying i shouldn't think stuff like this. they say something is wrong with me, that i should be ashamed. well, i'm sick of being ashamed, aren't you?"

-christian slater, pump up the volume

couldn't have said it better myself...

who am i in real life?

sometimes i wish i could just go away...

i feel the need to talk to heather,
right now, right this very second.
in fact,
i have felt the need to talk to heather or someone like her for most of my life,
as far back as i can remember,
most especially these past few months because i've really needed it and i've known she's out there,
but i can't.

i know this may prompt a comment saying something like:
"you have my number, the lines open."
or some other sort of reassuring line to let me know that i can always count on her or something like that,
and i know it wouldn't be false comfort either.
heather is someone who would truly talk to a stupid ass like me and actually care what i was saying.
so before i type anymore,
i need to get across that i understand this fact and it is greatly appreciated.
i love you, heath,
i always will.

but i can't anymore.
it hurts me to say it,
but i cannot even call you anymore.
every time i scroll through the contacts on my phone,
i see your name and the silly little smile i left next to it and i want to cry.
literally, this is no joke,
i have almost cried in public more than once just looking at your name or some obscure old text conversation we had before.
i know that you say you miss me,
and i believe it,
but i crumble without you,
i've been crumbling all this time.
i love you and miss you so much that i have to forget,
just for my own health.

the other night,
with just those few text messages,
i got picked up and thrown down again.
please don't feel bad,
you did nothing wrong,
i mean that.
but that's what has happened between you and i,
it's not that we're not compatible anymore,
or that we've both changed and moved apart,
i cannot talk to you because every time i do i feel the same sort of tearing feeling i felt crying with you in that stupid pizzeria parking lot,
the same feeling i felt when i sat with you on your living room couch for the last time and told you that i finally understood what you were saying about us because i knew that it was best for you,
the same feeling i felt when i walked out your door and told myself repeatedly, with all my might, not to look back.
i have spent so much time trying to forget you that it makes me sick of love.
but what makes me even more sick is that after all that forgetting,
it only takes something as small as a little text message to bring it all back up.
that's how fucked up i am now,
love,
the thought of you,
literally makes me breakdown inside.
none of it is your fault,
don't take this stupid blog, or any of them for that matter, the wrong way;
we did the right thing.
i'm pretty sure this is just a standard after effect of the whole "loved and lost" thing.
it sucks,
but that's life.

i miss you,
i miss you so much.
i wish that i could talk to you everyday;
you're really the only person i could ever just talk to.
i wish i had a little button that i could press that made the world stop and you just appear for me to hold for as long as i needed,
until i was really ready to let go.
but that's impossible,
so i guess i'll just have to live with this.
i'll learn how eventually,
i hope.

i love you heather,
i always will.
you have a chunk of my heart that i'll never get back.
it hurts,
but i'm getting by.
i think we did the right thing.
i know you'll be happy with whatever you do,
you always find a way to make things brighter.
you're the positive to my negative,
the right to my wrong,
the hope to my cynicism;
you made me feel whole.
thank you.

well, now that my eyes are bloodshot and i've just about bit a hole through both my lip and my thumb,
let's sum it up in the most simple and straightforward fashion.
i miss you.
i love you.
i hope we meet again.
thank you, heather, for being a part of my life...

i'm terrified of myself.
i've come to that conclusion.
i think that i've been leaning towards it for a while,
but now it's official.

people have a hard time understanding how i can do some of the things i do and say some of the things i say,
like it's wrong and i have problems or something.
my own mom even tells me that i have problems:

"you are such a mean person."
"you have some serious commitment issues."
and of course, the classic,
"i always try so hard to be a good, caring person, to not be hard and cynical like you."

people don't understand i think.
people think that i want to be like this.
i don't want to be a hothead.
i don't want to be an ass hole.
i wish i didn't have to act like a clown to handle shit,
i really wish i could just be normal,
but i just can't.
people tell me that i need to change,
that i can change if i want to,
they're wrong.
it's not like quitting smoking or drinking or even biting my fingernails,
i'm not trying to beat a bad habit,
i'm trying to overcome my personality,
like the whole damn thing.
you can't just stop being you,
it's not something you can quit cold turkey or otherwise.

even things like the hothead/fighting deal with me,
i thought i was over that.
i went a long time without getting into a fight like that,
and then with just a little bit of an aggravated state and a few testy words,
here i come again like clockwork.
i don't want to be like that, who would?
and i was doing so well for so long.

it's just like how i always say it:
people can't change, they can only cover up.
it is impossible to change your personality,
believe me i've tried more than a few times;
no one can change who they truly are.
you can cover it up really well,
you can work around your undesirable traits,
but in the end, they're still there,
hidden in the shadows,
lurking in the darkest alleys of all the empty and forgotten places in the back of your mind.
the only way to change is to erase and start from scratch,
but you can't do that in the real world.
there is no 'restart' button in the game of life;
you get what you get and that is that.

people who say that they have no regrets are fucking liars,
i would give anything for a 'restart' button...

ah, here we go again,
just when you think a head can't get anymore fucked in one night,
in comes that sweeping feeling,
that glorious sickness that can only be brought on by someone you really wish you could forget.
but what is this?
what is this new aftertaste that has taken to filling my mouth in between texts?
is that contempt?
why do i feel so offended by someone who has done nothing wrong to me?
why do i feel so offended by someone who has done nothing but care and want to know how i am?
why can't i just feel good about interactions such as these?

there is always some ulterior motive with me,
i always think people are out to get me for some reason,
like nobody is sincere,
like i'm surrounded by people who are out to take from me.
why?

probably because i am my worst fear,
because i often times see people as mere stepping stones on my rise to the top.
i ask myself:
"what can i gain from this person?"
"are they even worth my time?"
i'm a constant critic and ruthless judge,
a social criminal, i'd say.
some meet new people with open arms,
i meet new people with a tag gun,
giving each new acquaintance a value,
to be brought up or down as time progresses.
i think that i'm afraid of being taken advantage of because i do it so often to others.

they're odd comparisons,
but i guess i'm very much like napoleon bonaparte or joeseph stalin,
both ruthless and strong rulers,
men who beat the odds and made it to the top using any means necessary,
and also men who were notoriously paranoid.
history makes so much sense to me now,
and i understand why these are two of the men that intrigue me the most,
i am these men.
i can tell my story through theirs:
middle class boy raised in a working family is instilled with the desire to succeed above all things,
he dreams of one day amassing great power, wealth, and respect,
he surrounds himself with the best links to the top,
cutting them loose bit by bit until ultimately reaching his goal and claiming the prize for himself.

how nasty this is,
but also how true.
think about it;
i am constantly taking in knowledge,
tips from other sources,
my best friends are the people that can help me gain the most,
and i lack the sentiment to feel bad when i leave people behind.
i have the potential to be a really terrible person.
like anakin turning into darth vader,
i have that kind of potential.
well now, isn't that something deep, dark, and interesting to ponder...

i
hate
drama.
i hate it.

i know i pretty much bring it on myself,
but it doesn't change the fact that i hate dealing with it.
so i fuck around a lot,
and i'm constantly crossing the line,
hell, why don't we just say i live on the line.
it's cool, but subsequently, i fuck up a lot.
it's like two character traits that go hand in hand,
if you fuck around a lot,
you're gonna fuck up a lot.
if you wanna have fun,
you've gotta deal with your mess when it's all over.
i can accept this.
i've learned over the years that often times my actions result in some stupid consequence,
maybe i get hurt,
maybe someone else gets hurt,
maybe something breaks,
maybe i need to be punished or something,
whatever, i can handle all that.
what i can't handle is the drama that comes with it.

apologies are more or less bullshit unless they come right away.
i hate to say it,
but it's the truth.
having to cater to people's emotional needs?
give me a fucking break.
sensitive people make me ill.
why can't you just get over it yourselves, you fuckin' pansies?

"...you called me just a person, i thought we were friends..."
shut the fuck up!
everybody is just a person to me,
don't you get it?
sure you're my friend,
but that doesn't mean you get too much special treatment.
i'm not gonna change who i am for a friend or anybody else.
i'm gonna act how i act,
how i've always acted,
no matter what.

changing for people is bullshit.
i've done it twice and each time i ended up neck deep in my own shit when they decided they weren't into it anymore.
fuck people,
i won't change for anyone.
i may be a cocky, selfish ass hole,
but at least i know where i stand,
and no whiny "friend" is gonna make me change that.
so do what you want,
frankly, i don't give a shit.
everything has had a good run and i wouldn't feel bad if things had to end here.
it'd be a shame that something so small can be blown up so big,
i mean, at this point, i 'd sooner just say it was behind us,
barring this blog, i've moved on.
but if you need time to cry,
then you go right ahead.
i'm sorry, but it's just not my bag.

this is a solid situation,
i know what happened,
i took the correct actions to fix it,
and i know where i stand.
if you need time to think through shit,
then you take that time,
but don't expect me to comfort you in your reflections because when it comes down to it,
i think this whole thing is stupid.

just another fucking chapter to a book that nobody wants to read...

horseshit.

i still have so much growing up to do.
what the hell makes me freak out like that?
i don't think i even wanted to,
like i knew it wasn't necessary before i started swinging,
but i did it anyways,
why?

i don't get me.

it didn't seem like i was getting down on nick too much,
no more than i usually do,
i get down on everybody like that.
so is it my fault for doing what i always do or his fault for getting more offended than usual.
maybe i just thought the whole idea was stupid,
maybe that's why i flipped.
i mean, he wanted to make Molotov cocktails out of mason jars,
i don't have mason jars.
who just has mason jars in their basement?
and why did he want to do that stupid shit so much?
it was just a bad idea,
i think i might have just been aggravated with his stupidity.

they're just so gay sometimes,
like they're so damn smart,
like they're always right.
sure, i'm like that too,
but they were wrong in this case.
i wasn't being anymore of an ass hole than i usually am,
and nick freaks out,
why?
to try and save face or something,
like i disrespected him and he needed to make up for it by calling me out.
until i started swinging,
i didn't do a damn thing wrong and i'm gonna stick by that.
i didn't say anything that i wouldn't have said to anyone else,
and i don't think any of it was over the line.
i say stupid shit all the time,
and i go over the line quite a bit,
but this was definitely not one of those times.
this is called we were all a little bit tense before we started hanging out and it escalated into something it shouldn't have because we were just spending too much time together.
people should not be hanging out with each other as much as we have lately,
especially guys like us,
something was bound to happen to piss someone off.

and what the fuck was up with john?
yea sure, nick is his brother and he has to stand by him,
but if that was somebody else he wouldn't have said anything to me like that.
he picks on nick worse than that all the time for fucks sake!
it just pisses me off,
makes me feel let down,
betrayed.
he chose nick over me,
understandable,
but it still hurts.

nobody stands by me but andrew i guess,
that's who i've got now.
i'm gonna call nick apologize for swinging or whatever,
and talk to john if i have to,
whatever needs to be done i will do,
but i won't enjoy it and things will probably be different from now on,
maybe for better,
maybe for worse.
either way i'm gonna try to make this work for the bands sake,
not for friendship sake.

i'm tired of having to stand my ground alone.
it makes me feel wrong.
who am i kidding?
i probably am wrong with most of what i do,
but it just pisses me off that i have to be wrong by myself.
it'd be nice to just have people backing you up no matter what.
i'm tired of feeling independent.
i want things to just be done for me.
i want to be a follower.
i don't want my free will anymore,
i can't handle it.

i just hope this vacation chills things out so i don't have to deal with it anymore...

isn't it crazy how after you've lost your virginity your "sex life" changes from a quest to a hunt?

before you lose it,
it's a very solemn search for the right one,
the one girl who you feel comfortable enough with to share the exceedingly embarrassing experience of your first time,
the one girl who you are willing to expose your vulnerable and naked body in front of,
the one girl who is worthy of your deepest trust.
it's important,
almost holy, at least in your eyes.
it takes a lot of preparation and precautionary measures.
it's a special event,
something that you've been working towards for years,
a day that you will remember forever.

and then what?
after you succeed and finally lose your virginity,
it changes.
it becomes a hunt,
whether you're still with the same person or not,
you're constantly hunting for that pussy.
you search for your prey and wait for the moment to pounce.
the reverence is gone.
you pursue for the sole purpose of satisfying your hunger.
emotions take a backseat,
in some cases, love may even become no more than a footnote.
you just want to fuck everything like an animal.
it's obscene,
but i'm pretty positive that every "popped" guy between the ages of 16 and 20 know what i'm talkin' about.

kinda puts a new meaning to the term "sexual predator..."

right now,
as in right this second,
john, nick and aaron are recording some of the music for "my fire."
this, of course, was the first song that john and i wrote over 2 years ago.
we recorded it once before for the demo,
but this is the real deal now.
finally,
shit is starting to come together.
it's about goddamn time.
i hope the cd is as good as we all think it's gonna be.
it would really suck if,
after two years of song writing and stuff,
this cd wasn't pretty fucking amazing.
that would piss me off...

does anyone actually read this?
if you do, you should probably comment or something,
just so i know someone is reading this.
or don't if you don't want to,
i guess i ultimately don't care,
it's just something i wonder about.

it's kinda like when you're singing while you're driving or something and you keep looking in your rear view to see if anyone is laughing at you.
then you try to see if the person in front of you is looking in their rear view to see what you're doing.
all the while making sure to be less emotional while singing at things like stop lights and turns where people could see you more easily.

it's a security sort of thing i'd imagine.
you don't need to know and it probably won't stop you from continuing with what you're up to,
but it's just nicer to know who can see you looking like a fool,
even if just so that you two have that sort of joke between you,
it's just nicer to know.

you don't even need to know the person.
if someone is reading my blog who i don't know,
then so be it,
but it'd just be nice to hear from you sometimes.
let me know what you think about me,
share in my jokes,
i'm not looking for anything specific,
just a smile.
i'd even take a frown,
hell, in some cases it's probably more appropriate and what i need the most.
either way it doesn't matter,
just let me know you're there,
let me know that someone has taken the time to read even just one of these stupid blogs,
i'd like that...

i can't wait to live by myself,
to have my own house or apartment or whatever.
how sweet will that be?
sure, it's a lot more work and stuff,
and i'd have a lot more responsibility,
but it'd be mine and that is awesome.

hm,
i think i'm a pretty selfish person.
i don't like sharing.
even when it's something i don't even care about sharing,
i still get an awkward feeling like,
"that's mine, just so you know, you can have some i guess, but don't push it."

i've come to realize that i'm extremely territorial,
it's a real ass hole trait.
however,
there is another side to it as well,
and that is my acknowledgement of other peoples "territory."
i think this is how i manage to balance myself out so i'm not completely controlling or anything like that.
i take care of what's mine.
if it's someone elses,
then i respect that and let them have it.
i even feel awkward when i'm involved with other peoples possessions,
like i'm intruding.
i don't like that feeling,
so i leave it alone.

this trait is also probably why it's such a big deal to me when i "gain" or "lose" somebody.
for some reason,
my head treats relationships like a turf war.
whenever i "lose" someone,
it's like i'm losing ground and i need to find somewhere else to live,
somewhere else to rest my head.
it's a strange concept i know,
but it makes sense to me right now.
i am just like an animal,
constantly fighting for ground and marking my turf,
evolution kinda skipped out on me there i guess.

lately however,
i've felt like i'm intruding,
like i'm walking all over a lot of foreign ground.
i'm lost as to where the line is,
and i'm having a hard time figuring out where my ground even is anymore.
where do you stand when you can't find anything solid?

i don't know.
that's kinda been my theme as of late,
there has been a lot of questioning going on for me without much resolution.
lack of resolution of course leads to more questions and things pile up to the rafters until i feel like i'm going to explode,
but it wouldn't be the first time.
i'll figure something out eventually,
i always do.
but for now i'm left hangin',
waiting for someone to crack and something to give.
till then,
i just don't know...

ice cream and steak are just like bug bites in the past tense,
itchy and annoying.
i wonder when it will go away,
if it will go away.

"i do want to be in love,
i just don't know how to."

i wish those hugs lasted just a little bit longer.
someday this will all make sense...

what will happen when i have no one to answer to?
when i have no boss?
when i am my own boss?

people hate their jobs.
will i hate my own house?
people hate their bosses.
will i hate myself?
even more then i sometimes do already.

well, that might be a little bit of an exaggeration.
i guess i don't hate myself,
but i am displeased with myself a lot.
i guess i just wish i was better,
like a better person,
musician,
learner,
friend,
lover,
son.

i don't know why exactly.
it probably has something to do with my mom though.
she's very appearance and achievement conscious.
she always wants to look "good" and always wants to be on top,
neither of which are bad things,
but growing up with that sort of pressure,
to always look "good" and be on top,
it gets to you.

don't get me wrong,
i'm not trashing my mom in the slightest.
i love my mom.
i just think that she grew up wanting the best for us,
lexi, andrew, and i,
so she pushed us hard.
she is loving, no doubt,
but also very demanding.
we've all become pretty successful kids i guess,
but i think all three of us have some sort of mental "tick" from being pushed.
it's not surprising because she kinda has the same thing from how she grew up,
i guess she just raised us as best she knew how,
couldn't ask for much more.

as of now i don't really want kids,
a little bit because i wouldn't want to raise "tick" kids,
but also because i couldn't imagine not having the final say on how they would be raised.
i need the authority for my own sanity,
i guess that's just one of my "ticks..."

"i've seen love die,
way too many times,
when it deserved to be alive."

i just text my two most meaningful ex-girlfriends in one sitting.
that bothers me.

i hate grey areas.
why can't everything just be black and white?

i want to be famous.
i want to be a star.
i want everybody to be interested in everything i do.
i want people to say, "that kid is fucking nuts and it's awesome."
i want to be able to do anything i want in music and at least have people take the time to check it out.
i want to be well-known to all different sorts of people all over the world.
i want to be so well-known that people want me to be in movies.
i want to be in movies.
i want to make my own movies.
i want to be rich enough that i don't have to work or worry.
i want to have authority.
i want to have power.
i want to have a respected opinion.
i want people to tell me i am right.
i want to be revered as an artist.
i want to be revered as an idealist.
i want to change the way people think.
i want to change society.
i want to make a name for myself in the history books.
i want to write my name in the stars.
i guess i just want to feel important...

apparently, my inner pervert/alpha male sounds like mr.t.
that's not a lie either.
i often find my eyes wandering to somewhere they probably shouldn't be,
and whenever they do,
i can always count on that gruff voice in my head saying:
"mmm, that's niiice, reeeal nice. i like what you're showin' me, ma'am, mmhmm, i do."
but now that i've started to realize this,
my sexual mind drifts are always followed by some vision of mr.t.
to say that this is disturbing is kind of an understatement.

mr.t,
i appreciate your masculine affirming voice in my head,
but i'm afraid you've taken to commercializing my brain just a little too much.
i do declare,
classroom scoping is like solitaire:
to be done by one's self,
however one chooses.
that means that you have to go.
sorry,
nothing personal,
just need to experience some "t free" scoping again.
it's been fun,
but in the end,
every man needs his privacy.

however,
this will be very difficult and near impossible after writing a whole blog on the subject.
maybe i should just try to get my hormones under control and stop being such a perv?

nah,
i'm 18,
i'm at my peak,
goooooo hormones!

what the fuck was that dream all about?
between the fun times last night and then my crazy crazy dreams,
i'm so fucking whacked.

first off,
last night was fucking sweet!
i love having stupid fun,
i wish i did it more often.
an impossibility due to lack of funds,
but were the resources available,
i would do that shit every night.

and secondly,
that fucked up dream.
it was long too,
like i started dreaming as soon as i fell asleep,
and the the dream didn't end till i woke up,
it was nutty.

so the setting was some sort of college dorm house.
it started in my room,
which was less decorated than others,
and then moved out into the hallway on my floor,
i think i was on the third floor for some reason.

the first event that i can remember has something to do with tattoos on my fingers.
i was apparently going to give this kid some kinds of tattoos on his fingers and he showed me what he wanted by doing it to me.
i told him not to because i didn't want those tattoos on my fingers,
to which he replied by assuring me that they would come off.
i talked to a doctor who happened to be standing there,
he said that they wouldn't so i was kinda pissed i think.
anyways, then there was fighting down the hall so i went to see what was up.
then, it somehow turned into a lot of guys just shouting shit at each other and i got involved.
everybody was shouting,
i was shouting too.
then this black kid,
who i conjured up in my head and named rider or ridell or something like that,
said something that set me off so we started fighting.
i tackled him down and was punching him but i wasn't doing as much damage as i wanted to so i grabbed him by the throat and started punching with heavy fists.
i just kept punching,
even when i knew he'd had enough and if i did anymore something really bad would happen,
i just closed my eyes and punched harder.
finally i got up and walked to my room at the other end of the hallway and got changed,
this is when the anxiety and stuff started because i didn't know whether the kid was dead or not.
i could hear the news trucks and stuff out front making a big deal out of the whole thing and then i realized that i'd killed him,
but when i walked around the dorm into and out of classes,
no one said anything to me,
almost like they didn't know it was me who did it,
or maybe they were just ignoring it.
so i kept trying to kinda hide what i did.
then i got outside into the courtyard and some girl called me something to let everyone know that it was me and other people started saying it.
then i got pissed and said something to the effect of,
"yea, i killed the fucking kid, and if you're not careful maybe i'll kill you too! maybe i'll kill all of you motherfuckers!"
as i was saying it, i was thinking about how fucked up this was and how i didn't mean to kill him and how i just wanted to leave.
but then, after i said it, a bunch of guys wanted to fight me.
so i turned around and they were deciding who would fight me first.
they found some kind of order and then i started fighting them.
one by one i just kept kicking their asses until the fourth or fifth guy,
then i woke up.

fucked up?
yes, very.
who dreams of shit like that?
it's times like these when i think to myself:
maybe i need some sort of professional help.
other people don't have these sorts of crazy dreams,
at least i don't think they do.
but what would talking to some psychiatrist really do anyways?
they just want to prescribe you medication,
i don't think i need that,
i just need some sort of social change to make me more normal.
ha ha, well that's pretty selfish.
maybe i just want answers to me.
i think i like that idea better,
i just want to know why i think and act the way i do...

"i will bring you down"

it's so fitting, so perfect.
i bring people down.
maybe down to reality.
maybe down emotionally or spiritually.
i just bring people down.

do i have the same odd perspective as my idols?
do i try too hard?
it's not like i sit around and think of ways that the world is messed up.
i don't focus on coming up with a negative perspective.
i just want perspective, any perspective.
i want and need an opinion.
what is life without our own stupid individual ideals?

i want answers,
and i even want people to question my point of view.
i want to know what is right.
will i still lie to myself despite this knowledge?
quite possibly,
but at least the point has been made.
at least someone took the time to add a theory.

does this whole fucked up situation piss me off?
of course,
i haven't been this emotionally off in a while,
she does that to me.
but that's why i love her,
because she challenges me to think differently.
she shows me a different point of view,
maybe not always the right one,
just different.
and she will kick me in the balls,
and she will slap me in the face,
and she will rip out my fucking heart just to get her point across.
that's why i love her,
because she brings me down like only i,
like only we know how...

why would she do that?
i don't understand people or why they do things.
how fucked up it makes my head,
wondering about people.
why they do things,
every implication they are trying to make,
every goal they are trying to reach by making any obscure statement.
i just want to know what people are talking about.

lack of communication is the reason for most every conflict on the fucking planet.
and yet still people lie,
and people hide their true feelings,
their real intentions.

why can't we just say what we mean and mean what we say.
i guess the simplest answer would be that not many people really know what they mean.
and even if they did,
they wouldn't know how to say it,
or even just express themselves.
i don't know myself.
i don't know what i ever really mean,
and i definately have no clue how to express myself.
and it ticks me off that i can't do some thing as simple as express myself.
i mean, don't get me wrong,
i'm not incapable of expression or feelings,
i just generally don't know what i want.

it makes me feel sad and lost.
like no one will ever really understand me because i will never be able to understand myself.
what a horrible thought...

she was right.
i need to keep writing.
no matter what i do, i need it.
i love it.
writing down my thoughts,
reading them,
seeing where i stand at one point of another,
it's intersting.
i enjoy it.

i always like to analyze things,
and after my thoughts are down in writing,
it gives me a chance to do so.
how grand to be able to better understand yourself.
kinda like "the science of tony."
i like that, "the science of me,"
"the science of my being."
how grand indeed.

3 posts in one day?
holy blogger!
looks like maybe i'm back with a vengeance,
or at least something to talk about...

well, isn't that an interesting concept:
"fate has a way of working itself out."
i don't know how i feel about that.

i think that things have a way of working themselves out.
is it fate?
i don't know about that.
to say 'fate' is to imply some mystical force that makes things work out.
i don't believe in that.

i try to stay away from the whole "mystical force" thing,
it's just not my bag.
i try to stick to things that make sense.
fate, love, hate, god, etc.,
these things are just too open-ended;
they can fuck you up real bad.

it's not even that i'm strict about my disbelief,
i just like to know what i'm dealing with,
what i'm up against...

i'm hungry.
i can't wait to be done with work so that i can get back to some sort of normal sleeping schedule,
and subsequent regulated eating schedule.
right now, i'm just tired of it, or am i?
maybe it's not my job, it's something else?
maybe i just am kinda messed up in the head?
i've been tired for so long though,
we'll see what happens i guess.

yea, so emotional ties to people and things suck.
if i haven't plainly stated it before, i'll do so right now:
they suck.
i keep wanting to just forget things or the way that i felt or still feel about different people,
but i can't.
and life again proves that nothing is easy and scars are forever.

i like tht phrase,
"nothing is easy and scars are forever."
maybe i'll turn it into a song.
nick is kinda right about my 'tonyisms' after all.
i suppose i do have some phrase for everything.
why? i don't know.
it could be my perpetuation to set things straight,
sayings and anecdotes do have a way of doing that.
they solve problems i think,
and lend to interesting terms of expression.

i don't know, i guess i can dig it.
my language is individual if nothing else.
i would've said original, but i don't think that's necessarily true.
i take bits and pieces as i go.
the footnotes for my dialouge would be ridiculous.
so do i plagurize my words or is it just unconscious borrowing?
i don't know, but it's definately something that is interesting to ponder...