"and i'm all alone, but not for the last time, and maybe next time i'll understand,
and i'm all alone, but not for the last time, and maybe next time, i'll understand;
maybe i need to try..."

holy throwback!

idle hands are the devil's playthings.
give em something constructive to do please.
i think i'm gonna start sanding the deck by hand,
for philosophical reasons.
then, back to recording.
fuck me, fuck it all, let's just put it all out there.
goodnight...

positivity.
optimism.
the brighter side;
see it, be it.
i just need to see the good in things.

don't make nothing into something.
why act? it's not what you want.
find the happiness in solidarity,
get rid of the feeling before someone gets hurt,
take your lashings with a smile,
and move onto the next town.

this is your way,
do your time and leave humbly, and happily.
do not pretend like you're a fixture...

it's about 3 in the morning, and i can't sleep.
i've been up all night understanding what i can of lauryn hill and the subsequent ms. hill.
a youngster filled with talent and dreams turned off by the fame she sought, then made to look crazy when she rejected it.
an artist forced into the role of innovator, then criticized for her ideas;
be yourself, be original, but not too original, not too yourself.

maybe music just isn't meant to be sold?
everyday i feel closer and closer to that point.

she was simply too ahead of her time.
music and art should be for one's self first, above all else.
i feel this change happening, if not in the world, in me.

they call you a religious fanatic now;
too out there to function.
truth be told, you're only too out there for them to sell.
though you'll never read this,
i hope you can feel it enough you're in the right.
bravo, lauryn,
and thanks for the lesson, ms. hill...

it's not that i couldn't live without it, i could,
i just wouldn't feel as good as i could with it.
love is a drug;
there has to be a healthy alternative...

go, slow children!

this is how we play?
grown and gorging.
floating from cloud to cloud,
friend to friend, we're clinging company.
and at days end, the music drives us home and puts us to bed.

we are the passing moments, never wasted on preparation...

i like throwing my voice.
i don't like tuning guitars.
i like fantastic recordings.
songs aren't recordings or sheet music.

let's play...

i'm tired.
i just got home from working a 16 hour day.
no, i'm not joking.
the funniest part: tomorrow, i apply for a second job.

i think i need the work and the stress it forces me to endure,
for whatever reason.
maybe it's my excuse.
maybe it's my ticket away from the meaningful social interactions i choose avoid in my life.
despite all my antics and social capabilities,
i think i embody more of a loner persona.

when i was about 10,
i spent the majority of my time alone in my room,
listening to my radio, dancing and singing by myself in front of my mirror, and creating fantastic worlds and stories either on paper or with my action figures.
usually characters had to prove themselves to each other before defeating a greater enemy.
i remember death always playing a major role too.

i had a childhood friend that i used to play with,
where we used to do kinda the same thing,
except we would act it out ourselves...
...i always made myself die.
she used to come up with ways to revive me so that we could keep playing,
but i always insisted that once you were dead you couldn't come back to life.
she hated that game, oddly enough i loved it...

200 posts!

anyways,
i was listening to old recordings of myself today which,
after having just finished recording some new stuff,
gave me an interesting sort of perspective.
i've come a long way, and yet,
i haven't come that far at all.
it's seems odd but entirely correct.

all i wanna do now is record.
i need to focus,
but i can't focus too much or other wise it'll wear into the music.
i fucking hate balance.

"funny the way it is, be it right or wrong,
one person's broken heart is another one's favorite song..."

sunlight breaks through my window pane,
and the shadows look like bars of a prison.
i'm inspired by the view, but the sun is impossible to get to,
funny it's impossible for anyone to survive without it.
so i'm sitting in my room with the sunshine slowly gaining ground,
till it creeps up my wall and finds its way to my doorknob.
i can't help but turn away because though the sun wants me to come out and play,
i'm still worn and exhausted from the last time i had to watch it set.
i think of how i'm inspired by the view in the privacy of my own room,
and then i shout it to the world leaning out of my window,
but i dare not go outside for fear another sun may come to rise,
and set again; they all just rise and set.
i think i'd rather stay inside, stay inspired by my rise,
and not get too caught up in anymore suns without my window.
in good time, all suns will surely fade and when they do i'd like to say,
that i had one sunrise until it set...

i wish things were easier, and yet i simultaneously wish they were harder. how is it that two, if not thousands, of people can be doing the exact same thing and only some are recognized? i move quickly from inspired to hopeless, too quickly. today i sat around all lame and stupid like. i was tired from my last all-nighter of the semester, but i really hate excuses. parties happened, i didn't go, i didn't want to go. i rarely want to go to parties anymore. man, i wish i had my own place, some place that could just be mine, where i could be me always, where i could find me. who am i? i'm just under 6'2''. my weight changes drastically between meals. my shoe size is somewhere between 13 and 15 depending on the shoe brand and style. sometimes i tell people my feet are two different sizes; this is not medically confirmed, but they definitely rest differently and i'm pretty sure that effects their actual size measurements. i feel bad when i talk about things like this because the way i talk lends to my speaking in definitiveness and brushing over details like this for convenience; i feel like i'm lying a lot when in reality i'm just brushing over things for the sake of conversation. i like the idea of fierce conversations, but i don't think that i could realistically do it all the time. i wonder if the woman who wrote that article only has fierce conversations. how exhausting. i kinda had a little school boy crush on my human comm teacher this semester. she's kinda goofy and bubbly, but honest and vulnerable. there would be times in class where she would just say something totally heartfelt and honest and i couldn't help but think, "holy crap, i love you." i guess that's just how i am. that sort of thing can make me fall in love with a person in a second. i feel the same way with a lot of people. something gets said or done and i just fall in love, maybe for a minute, maybe for a day, maybe for a couple of days or longer; i just develop these crushes. then i work myself up and start thinking about love and its place in my life. whether i deserve it or not, whether everyone deserves it or not. this semester, the idea popped in my head that maybe i could just love everybody without being loved at all. i think it popped in there, because that's kinda where i feel i'm at most of the time. i don't know how i feel about the reality of it, but i do love the concept, to think that a person could give themselves wholly to everyone, and accept nothing in return. there are flaws, holes in the idea, but i'm not really setting out to explore the holes. i'm just rambling. my paper on british rock in the seventies sucks, i felt bad turning it in. i know i could've done a better one under different circumstances, but the circumstances were a result of my own foolish negligence. maybe i put too much on my plate, maybe i need the stress, maybe the way i was raised puts me at a disadvantage, maybe at an advantage. i both love and hate thinking about my childhood and its long term effects on me as an adult. i have issues, i've talked about them here. i like to justify things and try to find some sort of explanation or reasoning behind things, that's the only sense of scientific logic that i have. my eyes hurt. i've been up and down, up and down too much today. i'm tired of computers, i wasn't going to go on one again today after last night, but i had communicative urges that needed to be relieved. i keep rubbing my face. thank you for your time...

school is kooky, but i do like it.
the narcissism that takes place on this blog is unmatched,
but i think if there was ever a place for narcissism,
here would be it.
it's not like i force anybody to read about me,
i just write it and present the option.
it's natural to want to talk about yourself,
i mean, it's in textbooks.

conclusion:
i am a non-competitive conversational narcissist.
meaning that i get so excited when in conversation that i can't help but talk about myself for the sake of the conversation,
without any intent to dominate others.
ladies and gentlemen,
this is the scholarly way of saying that i'm a jabber-jaw.
WOO-HOO!
glad to see my college fees are being well spent.
hey mom, guess what i learned in school today...

i'm beginning to understand the method to my madness,
but now i'm worried i can't handle the applause.
well,
not so much the applause,
that's just what popped into my head,
so i had to write it right now.
i'm kind of a clown.
i don't do awkward very well,
or maybe i do it perfectly well and that's why i'm a clown?
i don't know but i'll tell you one thing:
i had a ball the other night.
could it have been better?
possibly, but if i based my life around "coulds,"
i'd miss all the great stuff that actually happens.
though, "coulds" are nice to think about sometimes,
as in goals or opportunities that won't be passed up in the future.
i do like those "coulds"...

i can do whatever i want.
someday i will.
i'm gonna finish this scholarly path in about a year,
and then, it's straight to the nonsense.
i think i'd like to make a career out of nonsense.
next time someone asks me what my track is,
i'm going to answer:
nonsense...

hot water.

maybe i like it, doc.
maybe i like tearing myself down.

i wish my head was softer so that when i pushed my fists against both sides it would pop like a grape, or a zit, or a balloon.
that's how i feel right now,
somewhere between a grape, a zit, and a balloon.

i have such a hard time letting go of some things.
curiosity kills me.
i need to measure and i hate it...

i may have talked about this before,
but it's on my mind now so i'd like to talk about it anyways.

i went to high school with this girl who's name i cannot remember,
in fact, i'm sure there are probably very few that remember her name from high school because she was not a known person at all.
she was fat, had glasses, acne, and a thick moustache for a girl.
she wore a lot of gray, a goofy "un-hip" coat all the time, and smelt awful.
she didn't have many friends,
partially due to her "shortcomings,"
but also because she was just kinda mean.
(though i can't really hold that against her, she was probably picked on a lot growing up)
i don't say this to be cruel at all,
i say this to paint a picture of what she was so i can tell you what she's become.

please, keep in mind that i don't really even know this girl or how she feels about her current situation, or even her past situation for that matter, i'm just an observer who saw her in high school and sees her occasionally now at FSC, where we both attend college.

she's thinner... a lot thinner.
i don't know how (surgery or otherwise),
but this girl, who used to be pretty large, is now rail thin,
so much so that she looks unhealthy,
like the crypt keeper,
and she's paler too.
no more acne so much, but she is so pale.
she looks like a strong wind would blow her over.
she appears to keep the moustache in check.
same glasses, different style clothes.
haven't had any classes with her in college,
so she could still smell but i haven't been around her that much to really tell.
i doubt it though, because i see her with people regularly.
she appears to be doing alright socially,
but she just looks so sick now.
from a health standpoint,
i'd say she's clearly unhealthy,
if not all together sick.

when i see her,
i wish i could go up to her and ask if it was worth it.
this girl clearly has put herself through some kind of physical episode to help her social situation,
i just wish i could ask her if it was worth it.
or maybe just if she's happy.

i wonder what people see in me now.
how have i changed?
am i drastically different physically or totally the same?
what does this tell people about who i am now as opposed to who i was then?
have i improved or gotten worse?
every now and then i see people i haven't seen in awhile,
what they're like and where they're at,
and it makes me think about what i'm like and where i'm at.

i don't mean to judge this girl,
like i said, i don't even know how she is,
she could be loving life for all i know.
i just mention it because i see her and i wonder about me.
how has my life progressed in relation to all of the people i used to know?
where am i at?
i think it might be easier to figure out where i was going if i knew where i was at now.
as for that,
i have no fucking clue...

i have a friend here at school who is gorgeous.
she's smart, she's funny, i smile every time i see her,
she's just an awesome person.
since i met her,
i've wanted go out with her.
there's been a few instances where i may have had an opportunity to ask her,
but i have not.
she's not even that far out of my league,
but i have not.

for the longest time,
i've wished that she would want to go out with me,
but today,
i came to the conclusion that i don't want that.
not because i like her less or i think she's worth any less than she was before,
i just don't think i'm the right guy right now.

then i started thinking bigger.
she's not the only girl that i feel strongly for,
there are a few, not a lot, but a few,
and i just don't think i'm the right guy right now.
i'm not the courting guy,
i'm not the guy who gets the chicks,
i'm certainly not any kind of mr. right,
i'm just not that guy right now.
someday for someone, maybe,
but right now,
i'm just not him.

it's hard being alone sometimes,
but i think i'm finally over it.

someday though,
even if only for a couple moments,
i will be that guy.
i'll start the conversation,
i'll go on the date,
i'll make the move,
someday, for someone.
but not today,
and not tomorrow,
and probably not in the very near future,
but someday,
and today, i'm ok with that...

sitting by myself,
my newsual spot on the fourth floor.
i'm running out of floors.
holding onto this table for dear life while i type;
typing what i hope doesn't come out as too heavy.
i'm tired of heavy.

the days are long,
the nights are hard,
bedtime is always lonely,
and mirrors are starting to bother me.

yesterday, a friend i haven't seen in a while visited me at work.
she's awesome, the type of person you're glad to know.
i realized that i have moved a lot in my life.
made friends and split, never to see them again.
i do that,
connect with people, let it be what it is, and then leave.

i thought of my dad.
he had a lot of friends from school and growing up that he just doesn't see or talk to anymore.
he doesn't keep in touch with anyone.
he's quiet about things like that,
not that he's a really quiet person,
but he just lets things be.

my dad likes to wander.
in hawaii, when we just got in, all jet-lagged and tired,
he wandered around town while we all slept it off.
he just likes to mosey.
he checks things out, acknowledges their existence, and walks right by.
what a nutty guy.
it makes me smile thinking about him just checking things out.
he's funny.

my mom loves him.
i don't know why exactly, but i know she does.
she gets so upset with him,
but i know there's love behind it all.

i wish i could've seen them fall in love.
what they were doing, what they were like.
i know minor details, but that's it.
i bet my mom was so beautiful when she was in love.
i would've loved to see them wake up and not be able to take it until they saw each other.
they were so young...

it has recently been brought to my attention that people have auras.
i think i already knew this, but never really thought about it in depth till now.
it's also been brought to my attention that people tend to acknowledge that i for whatever reason have a "good" aura,
of course the only people who i've really talked to about it are people that already liked me, at least for the most part, so i suppose my studies are inconclusive.

i just like thinking about the idea of having an aura,
some sort of color or feeling that one exudes to affect everything around them.
i understand good and bad auras, as it's been put to me,
but i'd rather not think of auras as good or bad;
auras are just auras.
i think all auras are good and bad,
it's just a matter of seeing them in a way that can be understood most intentionally.

i know some people with really fantastic auras,
and these aren't necessarily all of my best friends or even people i enjoy hanging out with,
just people that have incredible auras,
really, it's hard to describe.
for example,
i know some people who i would describe as having a blue or sad aura,
which by social standards seems pretty traditional, as far as auras go,
but i know other people who i would say have a more smooth aura,
not necessarily a color or feeling, but just a resounding flow that they send out in waves to all things around them.
it's hard to describe,
frankly, i don't think any description could really do the concept justice,
but if one pays attention to things while they're happening,
and then ponders them on their own time,
auras are a truly beautiful idea.

i wish i could see my own aura,
then perhaps i could describe it in my own terms and understand myself just that much more.
to be aware and understanding of auras has unofficially become a goal of mine.
i want to feel for and understand everybody,
and i want everybody to feel for and understand me.

i like classical music, it's official.
i wonder if by my end there will be anything i don't like...

"Yeah, I am sick and tired of people who are living on the B-list.
Yeah, they're waiting to be famous,
and they're wondering why they do this.
And I know I'm not the one who is habitually optimistic,
But I'm the one who's got the microphone here so just remember this:
Yeah, well life is about love, lost minutes and lost evening,
About fire in our bellies and about furtive little feelings,
And the aching amplitudes that set our needles all a-flickering,
And they help us with remembering that the only thing that’s left to do is live.

After all of the loving and losing, after all the heroes and the pioneers,
The only thing that's left to do is get another round in at the bar..."

"and i'm definitely going to hell,
but i'll have all the best stories to tell..."

i think i'm in love with frank turner...

lately, i've become more aware of my being and it's kinda freaking me out.
sometimes i just stop and listen and stare and all of a sudden things get distorted.
i don't know whether they seem more real to me or more fake to me,
but i know that things definitely become more apparent to me.
sometimes i can't believe i'm living;
like i'm here and things are happening.
it's overwhelming.
i start breathing real heavy sometimes,
like an asthma or panic attack,
but i'm fine and i know i'm fine,
so it stops.
sometimes too,
i see myself doing one thing and then acting out another,
stupid harmless things usually but different all the same.
for example,
walking between buildings on campus today,
i came across this tree with a mound of snow at it's base.
i saw myself whipping my bottle of water into the snow, kicking the tree trunk so it shook, then maybe trying to climb the tree just to see if i could, and laughing, lots of laughing.
in reality,
i walked right past it,
left only to wonder what it would have been like if i'd done what i'd envisioned.
would i have gotten in trouble?
would people have thought i was crazy?
would somebody have joined me?
did i just miss a chance to make a great friend?

"hold it high and hit it, you know i like it like that..."

"there was an avalanche..."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
it goes;
smokey lids, kid chameleon.
moo-zach, heavy-head crayons.
brain in chest, dis place - stomach.
footloose-ish math for listening.
eyes mama love, m.g.m.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"distraction,
bare witness to fall of man,
we're making quite a little scene,
you'll never hear about it..."

i love art...

i am naked.
i like being naked.
i kinda wish i could be naked more often.
i don't think i'd like to be a nudist though.
just naked for significant periods of time.
i like being naked by myself.
i don't think i'm comfortable enough with my body to get naked with a lot of people,
only a small group of people i trusted.
i bet if everyone was naked more often we'd trust each other more.
i like being naked...

family is comfort.
family is truth.
over this vacation,
because of my work schedule,
i've almost been forced to spend my free time with my family as opposed to my friends,
and while i really miss my friends,
i've enjoyed my time with family.

today we were talking about opening a family restaurant.
three of us already work in restaurants;
there's your kitchen manager, first cook, and experienced server.
lexi worked in a restaurant at one point,
and andrew, well he's really really good at "taste testing."
it'd be fun to have a family restaurant.
i suggested a characterized menu by our tastes:
mom - plain food
dad - interesting food
lexi - plain-interesting/average food
andrew - heart attack food
me - healthy food
it'd be fun.
live music, art on the wall, fun family atmosphere,
we'd have a sweet fuckin' restaurant;
something for everybody.

even when things get shitty elsewhere,
i'll always love my family...