i feel unusually responsible right now,
after getting home from work and proceeding to clean dishes without being told or asked and then turning off all of the lights and such.
i suppose it's nothing special,
but it'd make my mom proud.
maybe she'll notice and say something,
maybe she won't,
either way,
i know she feels proud when i do things like that.

i just got showed who was boss by some mosquito.
she bit me in like 12 different places before i got her.
now i'm all itchy and swelling.
damn allergies.

it's 1:28 in the morning.
i know i need to get to bed,
but i felt like writing something,
so here i am.

i'm coming up with this crazy story in my head;
a little bit fantasy, a little bit science fiction.
i don't know what i'm gonna do with it,
maybe a book, maybe a comic, maybe a movie script,
who knows?
maybe i won't end up doing anything with it,
and it'll become just another lost idea,
or maybe it'll be just what i need to get noticed,
and will blast me into super-stardom?
that's the beauty of an idea, i guess,
you can never really tell what will come of it.
everybody on the planet has millions of ideas a day.
most of them get lost,
but some of them become great.
there's no telling how or why,
no blueprint for a great idea,
they aren't at all planned,
they just happen sometimes,
and when they come about through the right person at the right time,
that's when great things happen.
it's rare,
rare for everything to line up just right,
but when they do,
life just makes sense.

i have millions of ideas floating around in my head.
a few of them could be great,
most of them are probably garbage.
we'll have to see what ends up coming out on top.
only time will tell how great any of my ideas really are,
only time will tell my worth.

"that's life, as all the people say,
you're riding high in april, shot down in may,
but i know that i can change that tune,
when i'm back on top, back on top in june..."

i'm beginning to find fault in my musical aspirations.

it almost seems like when i first started getting into music,
it was an art,
it was a special talent that set one apart from the average.
rock stars weren't normal people,
they were more like demi-gods,
with a divine presence that no normal mortal could possess;
i wanted that then and still do now.
some people turn to religion for purpose,
but i chose to turn to music instead.
i wanted to play my music and and find peace in myself,
i wanted to play my music and understand the world,
i wanted to play my music and know that the universe is right.

i'm just now coming to realize that maybe i was wrong,
maybe my answers can't be found in music,
especially in a day and age when musicians are more common than doctors or lawyers.
music has become a valid, everyday profession,
and by no means does it make you special;
it has lost it's mystique.
don't get me wrong,
i still love music and plan to keep on playing,
but sometimes i just feel so cheap when i play,
like i'm just another normal person trying to make an easy living,
like i'm too pathetic to do anything revolutionary,
too full of shit to really make a difference.

i guess what i'm saying is that i don't know what i'm doing here anymore.
and the trials continue...

i am incapable of not talking about myself or something having to do with me.
i came to that realization today as the idea was presented multiple times through many different mediums.
it should also be pointed out that this isn't such a terrible thing,
in fact it's quite normal.
many of history's greatest thinkers were dumbfounded by some of the simplest concepts until they were able to experience it first hand or apply it in a way that made them give a shit.
maybe i'm searching for reasons to give a shit?

i always try to put myself on another level.
i want my opinion to be important so i put it up on a pedestal and structure everything i say around my chosen set of ideas for the time being;
kinda like my brain's top 40.
i push these ideas like their gospel because i want them to be,
when in all honesty they're just another song of the week.

sometimes i think i'm pretty gullible, naive, and easily swayed,
but those thoughts are always followed by the concept that maybe i just don't know what i want yet.
that idea, for some reason, seems more reasonable to me;
i can accept that.
i don't want to be gullible, naive, or easily swayed.

musically,
i've tried to start putting a little more story in my songs.
i just realized, however, that there is more story in my songs than i've been aware of.
the story is mine.
i often see my lyrics as self-centered,
but right now i understand that they're just character-centered,
and it would appear that i am the character.
i'm telling my story through my songs.
i write first-person narratives.
when i put it like that, i don't seem so self-centered.
this makes me out to be more of a protagonist than a cocky prick,
but than again, i may be both,
only the songs will tell...

have you ever been angry at someone for not understanding?
for not feeling the way that you feel or you think they should feel?
i do that sometimes and i don't like it.

lately,
a few people that i had been angry with have come to feel how i thought they should've felt before and rather than feel accomplished,
all i feel is regret.

there have been many influential people in my life that have told me they live life without regrets.
it's because of instances like this that i have to disagree with them.

for some reason right now,
i'm reminded of all the times when i have held my ground and been told that some decision i made was wrong, or even just "not cool."
i have a lot of these.

i grew up in a home where strength and standing your ground were not just good qualities to have,
but rather required qualities;
that is how i was supposed to be.
but as i've grown older,
it has been made clear to me that i cannot always stand my ground,
that sometimes sticking up for what i believe in or what i know is right is actually the wrong choice.
it's a real "damned if you do, damned if don't" scenario.
hold my ground, get crushed, feel regret,
or,
don't hold my ground, feel regret.
either way, i feel like i'm stuck,
trapped in a mindset that may never feel totally right about anything.

i wish i was good at math.
math seems to provide the sort of control and structure that i wish i had all the time.
i'm no good at math,
only things like writing where the possibilities are endless and the idea of structure is almost looked down upon.

i'm tired.
tired of feeling responsible for things,
both good and bad.
sometimes i wish i could just be a puppet or a tool to be wielded by something greater than myself.
at least then i wouldn't feel any blame.

regret, blegh...