so,
in 40 minutes my future will be all set.
i'll be a Professional Communications major,
with minors in Music and History.
cool.

now that that's out of the way,
i was thinking a lot last night about how people would react if i died suddenly,
like if i died in a car accident or something.
what would people do?
how would they feel?
who would bother to come to my funeral?
what would my family do with my stuff?
it's not a new subject for me,
in fact, i've thought about that for years,
far before most kids ever even really have a realistic grasp on what death is.
for the longest time,
i looked at it as a depressing sort of thing;
just another way for me to mentally break myself down to nothing,
but now it's different,
i don't see it as depressing at all.
for the first time,
i've come to view this personally common scenario in a new light.

why am i so bent on this and a slew of other scenes i lay out in my head?
simple: it's theatrics.
i'm looking for a story.
my whole life i've wanted to be a character,
like in a book or movie.
i'm not saying that i want the action packed lifestyle that i used to read about in my comic books,
i'm saying i want a story,
just a life worth reading about,
worth talking about.
that's what i get when i think about stupid shit like that,
i become the star of my own movie;
it's all dialogue and character development.
i'm not breaking down my mind,
i'm exercising my mind,
i'm exercising my creativity.
it's not me who's dying,
it's my character.
yet another cool.

man, life sure is getting easier now that i'm starting to figure out who i really am...

fuck, fuck.
fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
fuck, fuck,

FFFFF U U CC K K
F U U C C K K
FFF U U C K K
F U U C K K
F U U C C K K
F UU CC K K.


what i'd give to just fucking... ugh.
people can be stupid.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 *breathe*

calm is good,
this is a new time,
a time to chill,
think round,
let it roll off.

life can be so trying.
sometimes it's not what's best for you,
but rather what makes you happy,
now.
happiness is key.
it's the only sane reason for living.
call me a hedonist,
but that's what i'm all about these days.

happiness is key...

people are strange.
headaches are lame.
this computer lab is far too openly private for my taste.
call me a loner,
but i think dicking around on the computer is something that should really be done in your own private little area.
i like to feel like what i'm doing or looking at on the Internet is an exclusive sort of thing.
i'm well aware that millions of people could be looking at the very same thing as me at all times,
but i still would rather just be on the computer without other people in the room to hover over me or something,
it's just some sort of odd security issue i have.
or maybe i just miss my laptop.
viruses are for suckers.

you know what would be sweet right now?
a massage.
i don't mean one of those light friendly massages,
i mean a fucking hardcore massage.
i want someone to just start beating my neck and back until it doesn't ache anymore,
like one of those big hairy foreign dudes with a jet black handlebar mustache and a bellowing laugh rivaled only by that of Paul Bunyan or Santa Claus.
that'd be sweet.

i would have said one of those crazy asian chicks,
but they use their feet and that kinda weirds me out.
i'm sure it would still feel awesome,
but that underlying "eww" would definitely linger in the back of my mind.
feet just weird me out.

"killing time" is a funny term.
at least for me it is,
at least right now,
because as much as i'm "killing time" right now,
i'm actually enjoying myself a little bit.
in my geography class,
which is supposed to be a productive time,
i feel like blah.
i think that some education should be considered "killing time,"
because essentially that's all it is if you're not interested,
it's a waste.
time spent not enjoyed;
now that's "killing time."
required courses are lame-o.
people should have the freedom to learn only as much as they want to without being penalized for it.
if ignorance is bliss,
then why deny people their right to happiness?
i will be as dumb as i want and enjoy every second of it.
breaking life down into tiny fractals just makes the world so complicated,
why can't we just deal in solids like every other creature on the planet?
why can't we just take life for what it is?
we've become prisoners to our own intelligence.
freedom,
at least true freedom, has become a lost cause.
freedom is a fantasy,
freedom is my fantasy.
oh, how i'd leave to feel ultimate freedom just once in my life...

tension is annoying.
i owned, i win.

i don't even know what i'm talking about.
i've been up for a good thirty-six hours.
it's interesting.
i like it,
too much.
i could get used to this.
but then again,
i could get used to a lot of things.

again,
not quite sure what i mean by that,
but it was the first thing that popped into my silly skull and thus seemed appropriate.
mm mm... zen.

this is my life,
i kinda dig it.
weird.

"all i ever had,
redemption songs, redemption songs..."

fuck my laptop and its stupid fucking virus!
you don't know how pissed i am that i'm on a school computer instead of my own right now.
it really gets me super-steamed.

(sigh)

can i go home now?
seriously,
i just want to get out of here.
actually, fuck that.
i don't even really feel like going home.
can i just go now?

"it's a fresh start out here. i like it."

maybe i should've gone further away.
maybe i should've just up and left town,
just said,
"sorry everybody, but i've gotta leave for a while. see you at the reunion."
what would people have done?
would they even notice?
i'd probably end up being one of those "i remember when..." friends;
the kind that is brought up occasionally, remembered, and then forgotten all over again.
what would i do on my own?
what would i do with a fresh start?
i guess i'll never know until i actually go out and look for one.

i'd be able to survive.
i learn fast enough that i could adapt to most living conditions pretty quickly.
i'm not too picky when it comes to living standards.
i could make it as a bum if i really had to.
actually,
in some fucked up sort of hippie/hobo way,
i think i might prefer the life of a bum,
at least then i'd be free to go wherever and do most anything without regulation.

honestly, here's what i want to do:
i want to work odd labor jobs, everywhere.
just stop some place, work for a while, make some money, and then leave.
i don't really want to pay for a house,
so i figure that maybe i could live out of my car or something;
i'd buy a van, that'd be plenty of room.
i could park at rest stops to chill.
they have public bathrooms all over the place,
and there are ways of taking sweet showers with these bag things from EMS,
so i'm not worried about that aspect of my plan.
my cell phone would provide more than enough phone service for me,
and my lap top (provided that it fucking works) could go online at most Starbucks all over the country.
i'd buy food just like any normal person would at a grocery store,
only i'd probably buy less at a time and less food that needed to be cooked,
like fruits and vegetables and stuff.
what would i be without?
nothing.
it would be awesome,
and always exciting.
fuck social standards.
fuck what other people say i'm supposed to want.
that vagrant lifestyle is exactly what i want,
my life's ambition is to be a drifter...

"la la la la-la la, la-la-la-la la la la-la la laaa"

well, it's been an interesting week,
to say the least.
eventful if nothing else.
i'd go into detail but i have this horrible feeling like i'm being spied on.
like someone is reading my blogs with the intention of using them against me.
i don't like that feeling.
i don't appreciate it.
i don't appreciate quite a few things that happened this week,
it's just quite disconcerting.

i don't like drama,
but the only thing i dislike even worse than that:
when drama goes unaddressed.
to just act like nothing happened is stupid.
i should probably say something soon.
i will.

change is good.
we could all use a little change right now.
at least i know i could...