what will happen when i have no one to answer to?
when i have no boss?
when i am my own boss?

people hate their jobs.
will i hate my own house?
people hate their bosses.
will i hate myself?
even more then i sometimes do already.

well, that might be a little bit of an exaggeration.
i guess i don't hate myself,
but i am displeased with myself a lot.
i guess i just wish i was better,
like a better person,
musician,
learner,
friend,
lover,
son.

i don't know why exactly.
it probably has something to do with my mom though.
she's very appearance and achievement conscious.
she always wants to look "good" and always wants to be on top,
neither of which are bad things,
but growing up with that sort of pressure,
to always look "good" and be on top,
it gets to you.

don't get me wrong,
i'm not trashing my mom in the slightest.
i love my mom.
i just think that she grew up wanting the best for us,
lexi, andrew, and i,
so she pushed us hard.
she is loving, no doubt,
but also very demanding.
we've all become pretty successful kids i guess,
but i think all three of us have some sort of mental "tick" from being pushed.
it's not surprising because she kinda has the same thing from how she grew up,
i guess she just raised us as best she knew how,
couldn't ask for much more.

as of now i don't really want kids,
a little bit because i wouldn't want to raise "tick" kids,
but also because i couldn't imagine not having the final say on how they would be raised.
i need the authority for my own sanity,
i guess that's just one of my "ticks..."