horseshit.

i still have so much growing up to do.
what the hell makes me freak out like that?
i don't think i even wanted to,
like i knew it wasn't necessary before i started swinging,
but i did it anyways,
why?

i don't get me.

it didn't seem like i was getting down on nick too much,
no more than i usually do,
i get down on everybody like that.
so is it my fault for doing what i always do or his fault for getting more offended than usual.
maybe i just thought the whole idea was stupid,
maybe that's why i flipped.
i mean, he wanted to make Molotov cocktails out of mason jars,
i don't have mason jars.
who just has mason jars in their basement?
and why did he want to do that stupid shit so much?
it was just a bad idea,
i think i might have just been aggravated with his stupidity.

they're just so gay sometimes,
like they're so damn smart,
like they're always right.
sure, i'm like that too,
but they were wrong in this case.
i wasn't being anymore of an ass hole than i usually am,
and nick freaks out,
why?
to try and save face or something,
like i disrespected him and he needed to make up for it by calling me out.
until i started swinging,
i didn't do a damn thing wrong and i'm gonna stick by that.
i didn't say anything that i wouldn't have said to anyone else,
and i don't think any of it was over the line.
i say stupid shit all the time,
and i go over the line quite a bit,
but this was definitely not one of those times.
this is called we were all a little bit tense before we started hanging out and it escalated into something it shouldn't have because we were just spending too much time together.
people should not be hanging out with each other as much as we have lately,
especially guys like us,
something was bound to happen to piss someone off.

and what the fuck was up with john?
yea sure, nick is his brother and he has to stand by him,
but if that was somebody else he wouldn't have said anything to me like that.
he picks on nick worse than that all the time for fucks sake!
it just pisses me off,
makes me feel let down,
betrayed.
he chose nick over me,
understandable,
but it still hurts.

nobody stands by me but andrew i guess,
that's who i've got now.
i'm gonna call nick apologize for swinging or whatever,
and talk to john if i have to,
whatever needs to be done i will do,
but i won't enjoy it and things will probably be different from now on,
maybe for better,
maybe for worse.
either way i'm gonna try to make this work for the bands sake,
not for friendship sake.

i'm tired of having to stand my ground alone.
it makes me feel wrong.
who am i kidding?
i probably am wrong with most of what i do,
but it just pisses me off that i have to be wrong by myself.
it'd be nice to just have people backing you up no matter what.
i'm tired of feeling independent.
i want things to just be done for me.
i want to be a follower.
i don't want my free will anymore,
i can't handle it.

i just hope this vacation chills things out so i don't have to deal with it anymore...