routine makes me wanna puke.
i need something new so bad right now.
this week has been so structured.
i know, i usually just chill and essentially do the same thing with my friends almost everyday, this is true.
it's just different somehow.
there's always some kinda trek or event taking place,
there's always that chance of excitement,
and when there isn't,
there's comfort;
the type of comfort that one can only get when they are with a group of people that have chosen to share each other's company.
no one forces us to spend time together.
there are no blood ties; we're not obligated.
i love my family, don't get me wrong,
but it's just different with friends;
there's always something new to do or learn with friends.
that's all i want right now, my friends.
i think i'm hangin' with marc and mary tonight.
that should be fun, i've missed them.
it's been a long week without them...

"this is my pen.
these are my friends.
this my life.

these are the best waste of our lives."

it really is perfect.
it's simple, and yet it says so much.

i have all my lyrics and my writing,
and i have my friends,
and this is pretty much all i do or need to do.

in the least depressing way possible,
i've concluded that the lives we lead essentially mean nothing,
so what does it matter how we spend our time?
i want to waste my time.
i want to live my life without a schedule, without a clock.
i'm having the time of my life right now,
and all i'm doing is hangin' out.
this is how it should be.

"ive waited my entire life to make this phone call,
isn't that beautiful..."

it's 4:43 on a tuesday morning.
it's still dark out.
i can't sleep.

i keep having these dreams and visions of me doing things, changing me.
they're empowering in my head, but i'm at a loss for how to take them.
is this really who i want to be?
am i reaching goals?
am i even facing the right direction?
they come in the daytime too.
i'll just be walking by a mirror and i'll stop and stare.
i see change.
i see me changing myself,
reorganizing myself.
my eyes glaze over from staring.
all of a sudden, i realize i've been staring for nearly ten minutes.

i draw a lot more faces now,
in my notebooks for school.
they're cut and strong faces,
like those of comic book superheroes.

i think i know who i want to be.
i'm realizing.
it's attainable, but i don't know how many people would really appreciate it.
it's drastic, i need that.
it's all the heroes i looked up to and never thought i could be like; i am just like them because i am me!
i understand now.

this won't make sense to anyone and it shouldn't,
but i am starting to get it.
i think,
i think this is one of those good posts,
i think...

i went to a pretty sweet local show the other day.
i'm so glad i did;
i was jonesin' for some local show action,
some new music and new people and stuff.
it's inspiring.
i think i'm gonna look for more local shows to go to.
it's just so cool to have so much new music thrown at you all at once.
i miss that stuff.

when i was in the outside inn and dfta,
i was always the one that wanted to stick around and stay to hear the other bands when everyone else wanted to leave.
i like to hear what people have to say,
i like people to hear what i have to say,
i like the sort of camaraderie that comes with people who actually take the time to listen,
that's the sort of thing i want to be a part of.
i love music, i love togetherness,
i miss having a music scene of my own...