am i at a loss and gaining,
or gaining from gained?
one step forward,
or a jump to the left?
motive takes stage and i wonder often, "why?"
discontent, even in my contentedness.

i am so full of questions about living and seeing,
and hearing and dancing,
and falling and bleeding.
i understand i need nothing,
yet still strive for more.
polymath desires in a world fighting sores,
from the boredom of focus we've come to pursue,
careers often no more then living lost time.
so, i take my questions merrily as something to do,
'cause i'd rather be mournful of thinking than never wonder, "why..."

"you have a good mind."

why do people tell me these things?
professors pull me aside to tell me things like this.
they all want me to change my major so that they could deal with me more.
classes stop to acknowledge me.
even classmates tell me they hope to take classes with me next semester.
i was second pick in a class of some very talented people.
why?
what do these people see?
i'm only an average student at best,
and yet people act like i'm something special.
i don't feel special,
i feel like i'm full of shit,
and i feel bad because these people buy it.
i understand concepts and i have basic communication skills.
half the time i don't even do my work.
i haven't really read a book since the second grade!
why am i special?
at what point did i become a scholar?
i'm on the dean's list for fuck's sake!
is the system really that flawed that someone as full of shit as i am can become a respected scholar?
why am i special?!
do i really understand that much more about things than people?
i don't think so.
i don't think i understand any more or less than anybody.
is it the thought process people are after?
do i really think that differently from most people?
am i just like a program?
an application that redirects it's users to all of the difficult to reach places of their minds?
is that my place?
how unfulfilling to be a go-fer.
so this is what life's like for a search engine...

i read a great interview with brandon boyd.
they asked all the most important questions that i would ask,
and received many of the answers i expected.
the verdict:
school is my form of procrastination.
school is how i get away from what i really want to do.
am i gonna stop?
probably not,
i have too much invested at this point.
it makes sense that in my head i group college with my car payments and all of the things that i need to just get through before i can do what i want.
it is commonly thought that the modern artist needs to sacrifice before he can really have the sense of self that it takes to make honest art.
maybe i have to make this sacrifice?
i know that sounds condescending,
as my sacrifice is hardly the sort of suffering that many have to go through in their lives,
but college is a load,
and it is a sacrifice for someone who isn't their for all the right reasons.
i don't know,
i'm just trying to justify what i'm doing,
just like anybody else.
life continues regardless,
i just wish i could see where this is going...

anyways, happy december!
listen to the pixies.
then listen to the matches.
then listen to a whole bunch of christmas songs.
if you end up at the flaming lips by the end of the day,
congratulations, you've just had a breakthrough!
it might not make sense now,
but it will.
i'd say trust me, but you probably shouldn't.
just listen and digest.

"so to hell with holiday romantics,
december is for cynics, december is for critics.
let's get by on nyquil and hibernate,
december is for cynics.
damn, it's too easy being great..."