i have a friend here at school who is gorgeous.
she's smart, she's funny, i smile every time i see her,
she's just an awesome person.
since i met her,
i've wanted go out with her.
there's been a few instances where i may have had an opportunity to ask her,
but i have not.
she's not even that far out of my league,
but i have not.

for the longest time,
i've wished that she would want to go out with me,
but today,
i came to the conclusion that i don't want that.
not because i like her less or i think she's worth any less than she was before,
i just don't think i'm the right guy right now.

then i started thinking bigger.
she's not the only girl that i feel strongly for,
there are a few, not a lot, but a few,
and i just don't think i'm the right guy right now.
i'm not the courting guy,
i'm not the guy who gets the chicks,
i'm certainly not any kind of mr. right,
i'm just not that guy right now.
someday for someone, maybe,
but right now,
i'm just not him.

it's hard being alone sometimes,
but i think i'm finally over it.

someday though,
even if only for a couple moments,
i will be that guy.
i'll start the conversation,
i'll go on the date,
i'll make the move,
someday, for someone.
but not today,
and not tomorrow,
and probably not in the very near future,
but someday,
and today, i'm ok with that...

sitting by myself,
my newsual spot on the fourth floor.
i'm running out of floors.
holding onto this table for dear life while i type;
typing what i hope doesn't come out as too heavy.
i'm tired of heavy.

the days are long,
the nights are hard,
bedtime is always lonely,
and mirrors are starting to bother me.

yesterday, a friend i haven't seen in a while visited me at work.
she's awesome, the type of person you're glad to know.
i realized that i have moved a lot in my life.
made friends and split, never to see them again.
i do that,
connect with people, let it be what it is, and then leave.

i thought of my dad.
he had a lot of friends from school and growing up that he just doesn't see or talk to anymore.
he doesn't keep in touch with anyone.
he's quiet about things like that,
not that he's a really quiet person,
but he just lets things be.

my dad likes to wander.
in hawaii, when we just got in, all jet-lagged and tired,
he wandered around town while we all slept it off.
he just likes to mosey.
he checks things out, acknowledges their existence, and walks right by.
what a nutty guy.
it makes me smile thinking about him just checking things out.
he's funny.

my mom loves him.
i don't know why exactly, but i know she does.
she gets so upset with him,
but i know there's love behind it all.

i wish i could've seen them fall in love.
what they were doing, what they were like.
i know minor details, but that's it.
i bet my mom was so beautiful when she was in love.
i would've loved to see them wake up and not be able to take it until they saw each other.
they were so young...

it has recently been brought to my attention that people have auras.
i think i already knew this, but never really thought about it in depth till now.
it's also been brought to my attention that people tend to acknowledge that i for whatever reason have a "good" aura,
of course the only people who i've really talked to about it are people that already liked me, at least for the most part, so i suppose my studies are inconclusive.

i just like thinking about the idea of having an aura,
some sort of color or feeling that one exudes to affect everything around them.
i understand good and bad auras, as it's been put to me,
but i'd rather not think of auras as good or bad;
auras are just auras.
i think all auras are good and bad,
it's just a matter of seeing them in a way that can be understood most intentionally.

i know some people with really fantastic auras,
and these aren't necessarily all of my best friends or even people i enjoy hanging out with,
just people that have incredible auras,
really, it's hard to describe.
for example,
i know some people who i would describe as having a blue or sad aura,
which by social standards seems pretty traditional, as far as auras go,
but i know other people who i would say have a more smooth aura,
not necessarily a color or feeling, but just a resounding flow that they send out in waves to all things around them.
it's hard to describe,
frankly, i don't think any description could really do the concept justice,
but if one pays attention to things while they're happening,
and then ponders them on their own time,
auras are a truly beautiful idea.

i wish i could see my own aura,
then perhaps i could describe it in my own terms and understand myself just that much more.
to be aware and understanding of auras has unofficially become a goal of mine.
i want to feel for and understand everybody,
and i want everybody to feel for and understand me.

i like classical music, it's official.
i wonder if by my end there will be anything i don't like...