i have a headache.
i've said that phrase a lot throughout my blogs.
why do i always write when i have a headache?
i don't know.
anyways...

my throat is sore from the pats game yesterday,
but i don't mind.
it was sweet,
i had an excellent time,
even considering that i was sitting next to chuck.
he's not so bad i guess.
kinda wimpy,
likes to think he knows more than he does,
probably not the best my sister could get,
but he's not so bad.

my mom has been saying that she misses brad lately though.
he was around for almost 7 years.
that's a long time.
he was there for a lot of memories,
it's understandable.
i wonder if he ever misses us?
i mean, i'm sure he might miss lexi occasionally,
but i wonder if he misses the rest of our family?
after all, he was pretty much my "older brother figure."
maybe he misses me like a little brother?
i don't know.

it's hard to decide whether or not i really miss him.
he was around a long time,
but then he just left.
i was too young,
it wasn't really my business,
i don't have all the details,
but what i do know is that one day he was here,
being his usual bitchy hard ass self and all wasn't awesome,
but it was ok.
then he left and things changed.
people started getting upset with him and he wasn't here to defend himself so it stuck.
my sister was confused.
i was confused.

my mom regrets her decision on him, i think.
it wasn't really her choice to make.
was it the smart one?
maybe, but that's beside the point.

i think lexi still gets christmas cards from his aunt and mom.
they probably miss her the same way that my mom misses him.
personally, i just don't know.
he was around for a long time.
he taught me a lot more than i think either of us realized at the time.
it's hard when a person with so much influence over you just leaves for no apparent reason.
i don't know if i miss him,
but i definitely wonder if he misses me...

"Here are some things I hate: Nirvana, anything Kurt Cobain related actually. Emo bands . Emo bands that think they are deep and that no one understands them . Myspace people who take profound and intellectual pictures like anyone gives a shit . Myspace girls who are always making that stupid face and giving the peace sign . Hippies . Hardcore Kids . Drugs . Drinking . Born-agains . UMass Lowell . Napolean Dynamite (never saw it, but I didn't need to see the Titanic to know it was shitty) . Taking Back Sunday . Brand New . Thursday . Scientology . Movie Stars . Jihadists . Bands that think they have good guitar players, a tough image, lots of tattoos, piercings, burlesque dancers in music videos, then start talking about their tough tattoos in guitar magazines, only allow themselves to be interviewed in strip clubs, no im not talking about motley crue they actually wrote good songs and their image was no different than who they were, im talking about avenged sevenfold . Atreyu . Kids who think Gym Class Heroes are rap . Shitty movies . The Lord Of The Rings . Brokeback Mountain . Anime . An Inconvient Truth . The Liberal Agenda . anyone who has ever typed "kthanx", so fucking annoying(just so you know i didnt type it, i copy and pasted it, i hate it that much) . as i lay dying(the band, not the book, it makes me even more mad a band would take the title of such a great story then suck so fucking bad) . Democrats . Commies (they are just democrats in a hurry.) PETA. Greenpeace. Bands like The Chariot that not only bad, but are really concerned with their image. I also can't stand music that is all about being deep, and having some sort of meaning and a secret of life to it. I hate bands that try to write concept albums like they are some type of modern day Pink Floyd. I also hate bands that consider themselves "indie" whatsoever. I hate bands that strum like crazy on acoustic guitars with nasally vocals, I hate bands that think they have "original" instrumentation by having what they consider to be 1 "weird" instrument. You're not original. I hate people that think they are awesome by pulling out an acoustic to "express their feelings within their heart", and go on to play some shitty typical chord progression that they will profess is original and unique sounding. I hate it when these same damn bands actually convince people that they are good. Play on your acoustic, keep acting like you are totally original, you're not. And stop acting like you are putting your soul on the strings because you're not. If you want to hear what that "soul on the strings" sounds like, check out some Robert Johnson, check out some Son House, Bukka White, Blind Boy Fuller, Blind Willie McTell, T-Bone Walker, Peter Green, Eric Clapton, Mike Bloomfield, Tony Iommi, Albert King, Albert Lee, Freddie King, B.B. King, Otis Rush, Buddy Guy, Jimmy Vaughan, Jimmy Page, Eddie Van Halen, Stevie Ray Vaughan, Paul Kossoff, Ronnie Earl, Duke Rollibiard, Ace Frehley, Dimebag Darrell, Joe Bonamassa, Ted Nugent, Derek Trucks, Warren Haynes. Actually if you stop listening to you shitty "indie rock" and you open your ears, you'll hear it. But you aren't finding it in this indie rock bullshit that kids cling on to like it's telling their lifestory when it isn't. Play acoustic, play those chords, but don't tell me you're getting to the "soul" of the music and of yourself when you sound like everyone else and your music means nothing to no one and it is just a sad attempt to try and recieve some sort of attention. Even by me doing this you are probably feeling happy that I am giving you this attention even though it is negative attention. By the way, if you think this is about you; it now is. Stop being so self-centered."
-John40

how can anyone hate so much?
i used to think it was funny,
but now i see it as just the same tired hateful nonsense that the world just doesn't need;
it's unnecessary, it's stupid.
you're never gonna change man,
i kinda feel bad for you now that i think about it.

i wasn't gonna post this.
it's childish to disparage someone for things they say.
but it's also childish to be so jealous just because i'm in another band.
i never quit our band.
i love our band.
but this is the second time i've been kicked out,
and this time you didn't even have the balls to tell me yourself or even call or anything,
i had to find out on my own.
that's childish.

well, here ya go, i can be childish too, dick...

"you got no time for the messenger,
got no regard for the thing that you don't understand,
you got no fear of the underdog,
that's why you will not survive!"

just taking a break from singing and tony-dancing with my dog.
i love my dog.
i'm hungry.
life can be fun...

wow, what an eventful evening.
must be the weather.

tis the season to look back on the year,
or the years,
and try to make sense of it all.
as my year comes to a close,
i find myself counting my loose ends.
i never realized just how many there were.

people only ever talk about spring cleaning.
what gives?
especially when winter cleaning is so much more intense...

i don't mind being the go-to guy in times of emergency.
it lets me know that my friends put faith in me as a person.
i like that.
it feels good to know that someone trusts you with their life in times of need.
that's a big thing,
and a manageable thing to.
i can help,
that's not so hard.
that's why i love us so much.
none of us really need each,
we're all independent enough to go it alone,
but since we have each other,
why not take a little help?
there is more openness, more caring, more trust.
these are my kinda people...

"hey, don't mind me, i'm just hangin' off the edge of a cliff here."

music is nice.
it makes me feel good in a world where people think they have the right to grade me like a piece of meat.

or maybe i'm just pissed 'cause i can't bullshit my way through everything?

life was bound to catch up with me at some point...