ah, here we go again,
just when you think a head can't get anymore fucked in one night,
in comes that sweeping feeling,
that glorious sickness that can only be brought on by someone you really wish you could forget.
but what is this?
what is this new aftertaste that has taken to filling my mouth in between texts?
is that contempt?
why do i feel so offended by someone who has done nothing wrong to me?
why do i feel so offended by someone who has done nothing but care and want to know how i am?
why can't i just feel good about interactions such as these?

there is always some ulterior motive with me,
i always think people are out to get me for some reason,
like nobody is sincere,
like i'm surrounded by people who are out to take from me.
why?

probably because i am my worst fear,
because i often times see people as mere stepping stones on my rise to the top.
i ask myself:
"what can i gain from this person?"
"are they even worth my time?"
i'm a constant critic and ruthless judge,
a social criminal, i'd say.
some meet new people with open arms,
i meet new people with a tag gun,
giving each new acquaintance a value,
to be brought up or down as time progresses.
i think that i'm afraid of being taken advantage of because i do it so often to others.

they're odd comparisons,
but i guess i'm very much like napoleon bonaparte or joeseph stalin,
both ruthless and strong rulers,
men who beat the odds and made it to the top using any means necessary,
and also men who were notoriously paranoid.
history makes so much sense to me now,
and i understand why these are two of the men that intrigue me the most,
i am these men.
i can tell my story through theirs:
middle class boy raised in a working family is instilled with the desire to succeed above all things,
he dreams of one day amassing great power, wealth, and respect,
he surrounds himself with the best links to the top,
cutting them loose bit by bit until ultimately reaching his goal and claiming the prize for himself.

how nasty this is,
but also how true.
think about it;
i am constantly taking in knowledge,
tips from other sources,
my best friends are the people that can help me gain the most,
and i lack the sentiment to feel bad when i leave people behind.
i have the potential to be a really terrible person.
like anakin turning into darth vader,
i have that kind of potential.
well now, isn't that something deep, dark, and interesting to ponder...

i
hate
drama.
i hate it.

i know i pretty much bring it on myself,
but it doesn't change the fact that i hate dealing with it.
so i fuck around a lot,
and i'm constantly crossing the line,
hell, why don't we just say i live on the line.
it's cool, but subsequently, i fuck up a lot.
it's like two character traits that go hand in hand,
if you fuck around a lot,
you're gonna fuck up a lot.
if you wanna have fun,
you've gotta deal with your mess when it's all over.
i can accept this.
i've learned over the years that often times my actions result in some stupid consequence,
maybe i get hurt,
maybe someone else gets hurt,
maybe something breaks,
maybe i need to be punished or something,
whatever, i can handle all that.
what i can't handle is the drama that comes with it.

apologies are more or less bullshit unless they come right away.
i hate to say it,
but it's the truth.
having to cater to people's emotional needs?
give me a fucking break.
sensitive people make me ill.
why can't you just get over it yourselves, you fuckin' pansies?

"...you called me just a person, i thought we were friends..."
shut the fuck up!
everybody is just a person to me,
don't you get it?
sure you're my friend,
but that doesn't mean you get too much special treatment.
i'm not gonna change who i am for a friend or anybody else.
i'm gonna act how i act,
how i've always acted,
no matter what.

changing for people is bullshit.
i've done it twice and each time i ended up neck deep in my own shit when they decided they weren't into it anymore.
fuck people,
i won't change for anyone.
i may be a cocky, selfish ass hole,
but at least i know where i stand,
and no whiny "friend" is gonna make me change that.
so do what you want,
frankly, i don't give a shit.
everything has had a good run and i wouldn't feel bad if things had to end here.
it'd be a shame that something so small can be blown up so big,
i mean, at this point, i 'd sooner just say it was behind us,
barring this blog, i've moved on.
but if you need time to cry,
then you go right ahead.
i'm sorry, but it's just not my bag.

this is a solid situation,
i know what happened,
i took the correct actions to fix it,
and i know where i stand.
if you need time to think through shit,
then you take that time,
but don't expect me to comfort you in your reflections because when it comes down to it,
i think this whole thing is stupid.

just another fucking chapter to a book that nobody wants to read...

horseshit.

i still have so much growing up to do.
what the hell makes me freak out like that?
i don't think i even wanted to,
like i knew it wasn't necessary before i started swinging,
but i did it anyways,
why?

i don't get me.

it didn't seem like i was getting down on nick too much,
no more than i usually do,
i get down on everybody like that.
so is it my fault for doing what i always do or his fault for getting more offended than usual.
maybe i just thought the whole idea was stupid,
maybe that's why i flipped.
i mean, he wanted to make Molotov cocktails out of mason jars,
i don't have mason jars.
who just has mason jars in their basement?
and why did he want to do that stupid shit so much?
it was just a bad idea,
i think i might have just been aggravated with his stupidity.

they're just so gay sometimes,
like they're so damn smart,
like they're always right.
sure, i'm like that too,
but they were wrong in this case.
i wasn't being anymore of an ass hole than i usually am,
and nick freaks out,
why?
to try and save face or something,
like i disrespected him and he needed to make up for it by calling me out.
until i started swinging,
i didn't do a damn thing wrong and i'm gonna stick by that.
i didn't say anything that i wouldn't have said to anyone else,
and i don't think any of it was over the line.
i say stupid shit all the time,
and i go over the line quite a bit,
but this was definitely not one of those times.
this is called we were all a little bit tense before we started hanging out and it escalated into something it shouldn't have because we were just spending too much time together.
people should not be hanging out with each other as much as we have lately,
especially guys like us,
something was bound to happen to piss someone off.

and what the fuck was up with john?
yea sure, nick is his brother and he has to stand by him,
but if that was somebody else he wouldn't have said anything to me like that.
he picks on nick worse than that all the time for fucks sake!
it just pisses me off,
makes me feel let down,
betrayed.
he chose nick over me,
understandable,
but it still hurts.

nobody stands by me but andrew i guess,
that's who i've got now.
i'm gonna call nick apologize for swinging or whatever,
and talk to john if i have to,
whatever needs to be done i will do,
but i won't enjoy it and things will probably be different from now on,
maybe for better,
maybe for worse.
either way i'm gonna try to make this work for the bands sake,
not for friendship sake.

i'm tired of having to stand my ground alone.
it makes me feel wrong.
who am i kidding?
i probably am wrong with most of what i do,
but it just pisses me off that i have to be wrong by myself.
it'd be nice to just have people backing you up no matter what.
i'm tired of feeling independent.
i want things to just be done for me.
i want to be a follower.
i don't want my free will anymore,
i can't handle it.

i just hope this vacation chills things out so i don't have to deal with it anymore...

isn't it crazy how after you've lost your virginity your "sex life" changes from a quest to a hunt?

before you lose it,
it's a very solemn search for the right one,
the one girl who you feel comfortable enough with to share the exceedingly embarrassing experience of your first time,
the one girl who you are willing to expose your vulnerable and naked body in front of,
the one girl who is worthy of your deepest trust.
it's important,
almost holy, at least in your eyes.
it takes a lot of preparation and precautionary measures.
it's a special event,
something that you've been working towards for years,
a day that you will remember forever.

and then what?
after you succeed and finally lose your virginity,
it changes.
it becomes a hunt,
whether you're still with the same person or not,
you're constantly hunting for that pussy.
you search for your prey and wait for the moment to pounce.
the reverence is gone.
you pursue for the sole purpose of satisfying your hunger.
emotions take a backseat,
in some cases, love may even become no more than a footnote.
you just want to fuck everything like an animal.
it's obscene,
but i'm pretty positive that every "popped" guy between the ages of 16 and 20 know what i'm talkin' about.

kinda puts a new meaning to the term "sexual predator..."

right now,
as in right this second,
john, nick and aaron are recording some of the music for "my fire."
this, of course, was the first song that john and i wrote over 2 years ago.
we recorded it once before for the demo,
but this is the real deal now.
finally,
shit is starting to come together.
it's about goddamn time.
i hope the cd is as good as we all think it's gonna be.
it would really suck if,
after two years of song writing and stuff,
this cd wasn't pretty fucking amazing.
that would piss me off...

does anyone actually read this?
if you do, you should probably comment or something,
just so i know someone is reading this.
or don't if you don't want to,
i guess i ultimately don't care,
it's just something i wonder about.

it's kinda like when you're singing while you're driving or something and you keep looking in your rear view to see if anyone is laughing at you.
then you try to see if the person in front of you is looking in their rear view to see what you're doing.
all the while making sure to be less emotional while singing at things like stop lights and turns where people could see you more easily.

it's a security sort of thing i'd imagine.
you don't need to know and it probably won't stop you from continuing with what you're up to,
but it's just nicer to know who can see you looking like a fool,
even if just so that you two have that sort of joke between you,
it's just nicer to know.

you don't even need to know the person.
if someone is reading my blog who i don't know,
then so be it,
but it'd just be nice to hear from you sometimes.
let me know what you think about me,
share in my jokes,
i'm not looking for anything specific,
just a smile.
i'd even take a frown,
hell, in some cases it's probably more appropriate and what i need the most.
either way it doesn't matter,
just let me know you're there,
let me know that someone has taken the time to read even just one of these stupid blogs,
i'd like that...

i can't wait to live by myself,
to have my own house or apartment or whatever.
how sweet will that be?
sure, it's a lot more work and stuff,
and i'd have a lot more responsibility,
but it'd be mine and that is awesome.

hm,
i think i'm a pretty selfish person.
i don't like sharing.
even when it's something i don't even care about sharing,
i still get an awkward feeling like,
"that's mine, just so you know, you can have some i guess, but don't push it."

i've come to realize that i'm extremely territorial,
it's a real ass hole trait.
however,
there is another side to it as well,
and that is my acknowledgement of other peoples "territory."
i think this is how i manage to balance myself out so i'm not completely controlling or anything like that.
i take care of what's mine.
if it's someone elses,
then i respect that and let them have it.
i even feel awkward when i'm involved with other peoples possessions,
like i'm intruding.
i don't like that feeling,
so i leave it alone.

this trait is also probably why it's such a big deal to me when i "gain" or "lose" somebody.
for some reason,
my head treats relationships like a turf war.
whenever i "lose" someone,
it's like i'm losing ground and i need to find somewhere else to live,
somewhere else to rest my head.
it's a strange concept i know,
but it makes sense to me right now.
i am just like an animal,
constantly fighting for ground and marking my turf,
evolution kinda skipped out on me there i guess.

lately however,
i've felt like i'm intruding,
like i'm walking all over a lot of foreign ground.
i'm lost as to where the line is,
and i'm having a hard time figuring out where my ground even is anymore.
where do you stand when you can't find anything solid?

i don't know.
that's kinda been my theme as of late,
there has been a lot of questioning going on for me without much resolution.
lack of resolution of course leads to more questions and things pile up to the rafters until i feel like i'm going to explode,
but it wouldn't be the first time.
i'll figure something out eventually,
i always do.
but for now i'm left hangin',
waiting for someone to crack and something to give.
till then,
i just don't know...

ice cream and steak are just like bug bites in the past tense,
itchy and annoying.
i wonder when it will go away,
if it will go away.

"i do want to be in love,
i just don't know how to."

i wish those hugs lasted just a little bit longer.
someday this will all make sense...

what will happen when i have no one to answer to?
when i have no boss?
when i am my own boss?

people hate their jobs.
will i hate my own house?
people hate their bosses.
will i hate myself?
even more then i sometimes do already.

well, that might be a little bit of an exaggeration.
i guess i don't hate myself,
but i am displeased with myself a lot.
i guess i just wish i was better,
like a better person,
musician,
learner,
friend,
lover,
son.

i don't know why exactly.
it probably has something to do with my mom though.
she's very appearance and achievement conscious.
she always wants to look "good" and always wants to be on top,
neither of which are bad things,
but growing up with that sort of pressure,
to always look "good" and be on top,
it gets to you.

don't get me wrong,
i'm not trashing my mom in the slightest.
i love my mom.
i just think that she grew up wanting the best for us,
lexi, andrew, and i,
so she pushed us hard.
she is loving, no doubt,
but also very demanding.
we've all become pretty successful kids i guess,
but i think all three of us have some sort of mental "tick" from being pushed.
it's not surprising because she kinda has the same thing from how she grew up,
i guess she just raised us as best she knew how,
couldn't ask for much more.

as of now i don't really want kids,
a little bit because i wouldn't want to raise "tick" kids,
but also because i couldn't imagine not having the final say on how they would be raised.
i need the authority for my own sanity,
i guess that's just one of my "ticks..."

"i've seen love die,
way too many times,
when it deserved to be alive."

i just text my two most meaningful ex-girlfriends in one sitting.
that bothers me.

i hate grey areas.
why can't everything just be black and white?

i want to be famous.
i want to be a star.
i want everybody to be interested in everything i do.
i want people to say, "that kid is fucking nuts and it's awesome."
i want to be able to do anything i want in music and at least have people take the time to check it out.
i want to be well-known to all different sorts of people all over the world.
i want to be so well-known that people want me to be in movies.
i want to be in movies.
i want to make my own movies.
i want to be rich enough that i don't have to work or worry.
i want to have authority.
i want to have power.
i want to have a respected opinion.
i want people to tell me i am right.
i want to be revered as an artist.
i want to be revered as an idealist.
i want to change the way people think.
i want to change society.
i want to make a name for myself in the history books.
i want to write my name in the stars.
i guess i just want to feel important...

apparently, my inner pervert/alpha male sounds like mr.t.
that's not a lie either.
i often find my eyes wandering to somewhere they probably shouldn't be,
and whenever they do,
i can always count on that gruff voice in my head saying:
"mmm, that's niiice, reeeal nice. i like what you're showin' me, ma'am, mmhmm, i do."
but now that i've started to realize this,
my sexual mind drifts are always followed by some vision of mr.t.
to say that this is disturbing is kind of an understatement.

mr.t,
i appreciate your masculine affirming voice in my head,
but i'm afraid you've taken to commercializing my brain just a little too much.
i do declare,
classroom scoping is like solitaire:
to be done by one's self,
however one chooses.
that means that you have to go.
sorry,
nothing personal,
just need to experience some "t free" scoping again.
it's been fun,
but in the end,
every man needs his privacy.

however,
this will be very difficult and near impossible after writing a whole blog on the subject.
maybe i should just try to get my hormones under control and stop being such a perv?

nah,
i'm 18,
i'm at my peak,
goooooo hormones!

what the fuck was that dream all about?
between the fun times last night and then my crazy crazy dreams,
i'm so fucking whacked.

first off,
last night was fucking sweet!
i love having stupid fun,
i wish i did it more often.
an impossibility due to lack of funds,
but were the resources available,
i would do that shit every night.

and secondly,
that fucked up dream.
it was long too,
like i started dreaming as soon as i fell asleep,
and the the dream didn't end till i woke up,
it was nutty.

so the setting was some sort of college dorm house.
it started in my room,
which was less decorated than others,
and then moved out into the hallway on my floor,
i think i was on the third floor for some reason.

the first event that i can remember has something to do with tattoos on my fingers.
i was apparently going to give this kid some kinds of tattoos on his fingers and he showed me what he wanted by doing it to me.
i told him not to because i didn't want those tattoos on my fingers,
to which he replied by assuring me that they would come off.
i talked to a doctor who happened to be standing there,
he said that they wouldn't so i was kinda pissed i think.
anyways, then there was fighting down the hall so i went to see what was up.
then, it somehow turned into a lot of guys just shouting shit at each other and i got involved.
everybody was shouting,
i was shouting too.
then this black kid,
who i conjured up in my head and named rider or ridell or something like that,
said something that set me off so we started fighting.
i tackled him down and was punching him but i wasn't doing as much damage as i wanted to so i grabbed him by the throat and started punching with heavy fists.
i just kept punching,
even when i knew he'd had enough and if i did anymore something really bad would happen,
i just closed my eyes and punched harder.
finally i got up and walked to my room at the other end of the hallway and got changed,
this is when the anxiety and stuff started because i didn't know whether the kid was dead or not.
i could hear the news trucks and stuff out front making a big deal out of the whole thing and then i realized that i'd killed him,
but when i walked around the dorm into and out of classes,
no one said anything to me,
almost like they didn't know it was me who did it,
or maybe they were just ignoring it.
so i kept trying to kinda hide what i did.
then i got outside into the courtyard and some girl called me something to let everyone know that it was me and other people started saying it.
then i got pissed and said something to the effect of,
"yea, i killed the fucking kid, and if you're not careful maybe i'll kill you too! maybe i'll kill all of you motherfuckers!"
as i was saying it, i was thinking about how fucked up this was and how i didn't mean to kill him and how i just wanted to leave.
but then, after i said it, a bunch of guys wanted to fight me.
so i turned around and they were deciding who would fight me first.
they found some kind of order and then i started fighting them.
one by one i just kept kicking their asses until the fourth or fifth guy,
then i woke up.

fucked up?
yes, very.
who dreams of shit like that?
it's times like these when i think to myself:
maybe i need some sort of professional help.
other people don't have these sorts of crazy dreams,
at least i don't think they do.
but what would talking to some psychiatrist really do anyways?
they just want to prescribe you medication,
i don't think i need that,
i just need some sort of social change to make me more normal.
ha ha, well that's pretty selfish.
maybe i just want answers to me.
i think i like that idea better,
i just want to know why i think and act the way i do...

"i will bring you down"

it's so fitting, so perfect.
i bring people down.
maybe down to reality.
maybe down emotionally or spiritually.
i just bring people down.

do i have the same odd perspective as my idols?
do i try too hard?
it's not like i sit around and think of ways that the world is messed up.
i don't focus on coming up with a negative perspective.
i just want perspective, any perspective.
i want and need an opinion.
what is life without our own stupid individual ideals?

i want answers,
and i even want people to question my point of view.
i want to know what is right.
will i still lie to myself despite this knowledge?
quite possibly,
but at least the point has been made.
at least someone took the time to add a theory.

does this whole fucked up situation piss me off?
of course,
i haven't been this emotionally off in a while,
she does that to me.
but that's why i love her,
because she challenges me to think differently.
she shows me a different point of view,
maybe not always the right one,
just different.
and she will kick me in the balls,
and she will slap me in the face,
and she will rip out my fucking heart just to get her point across.
that's why i love her,
because she brings me down like only i,
like only we know how...