i have been cleaning all morning.

i've cleaned puke.
i've cleaned piss.
i've cleaned poop.
i've given my dog a bath.
i've cleaned more pee.
i've cleaned myself off after all that cleaning.
and now, just recently,
i've cleaned out a whole lot of emotional baggage.

so,
i guess this is it.
i'd say this marks the finale of book 2 in my proverbial autobiography.
so much has happened in so little time.
this book is longer,
it has many more details than the prior,
but it is not boring, not to say the least.
it's been fun,
thanks for being around when you were,
i hope you have an amazing life.

man, oh man.
cleaning is exhausting.
i need a nap...

yea dude,
the cast has made some bad ass music so far.
right now,
as in this very second,
i have headphones on so that i can do a rough mix for the demo songs we're recording to give to matt rocco (our potential drummer, who is the man).
we write some pretty bitchin' songs.
i try not to toot my own horn too much when it comes to music,
but i really think this stuff is great.

and i think, personally,
that the new stuff i've been writing may be even better.
i've kinda been a machine lately and the results have been stupendous.
i finished three songs just this week:
"missin' out" - an uber-catchy pop rock song, falling somewhere between the counting crows and the decemberists,
"another happy valentine's day" - a folky lick that turns into an appropriately cheesy rockout at it's apex,
and "laconic" - an acoustic anthem with a chorus that totally lives up to it's name.
they are all excellent songs.
i can't wait to arrange and record them with a full band.

man, so many songs,
it feels almost like we're falling behind,
but the truth is that the songs don't go away,
it's just a matter of catching up to our creativity.
but to be honest,
i kinda like tagging along behind my music.
it makes me feel good; natural like.

i'm on the last song at this point,
i've dicking around on the internet so long.
with my recorder,
if you wanna put something on a cd,
you have to set all the levels,
then you have to record it all on to one track,
and then you have to master it,
then you can put it on a cd.
it's pretty cool,
but it just takes so long.
i mean, all the songs i've been mixing today,
i've had to listen to at least 3 times each.
it's taken about 2 hours,
which is what i figured but it's still pretty lame.
anyways, i just finished the mixing,
so i am concluding this ramble as well.
right about now...

"i'm inclined to believe if we were so down, we'd up and leave."

tomorrow is valentine's day.
i thought nothing of it until today when i started writing a few songs,
and they were all about my lovelorn angst and other artistic/emo nonsense like that.
i even decided to be super queer and name one "another happy valentine's day,"
clearly insinuating my lack of motivation surrounding said holiday.
yea, i'm that douche sometimes.
it sucks.

i really don't even think i care all that much though.
i had a valentine in mind,
but i've since ditched that idea.
she's not really that interested in hooking up right now,
and i'm not all that bent over her anyways.
just being fun to chill with is fine by me.
smoke a blunt after school,
hang for a bit,
maybe watch some tv,
and that's about good enough for me.
i don't need to be with someone on valentine's day.
really, i'm not even gonna go to that party i don't think.
i'd rather just find something else to do,
or nothing else to do,
whatever works.

"and we would fly, if we had wings for flyin'.
can't you see the tears we're cryin'?
can't there be some happiness for me?"

tomorrow is gonna be wicked chill,
i can tell already.
laid back,
moseying around without a care in the world.
yup, i can see it now.
this is relaxation on valentine's day.
this is the single life...

i've been coming to an odd realization,
i think i like country.
weird.

i've been checkin' out george jones and gram parsons,
it's not all that bad.
for some reason i've been relating to that stuff a lot more lately.
who knows why?
but who knows why they do anything for that matter?

it's something i always ponder to no avail,
why do we do the things we do?
i don't know.
i wanted to come up with some kinda reasonable response to that question but i just ended up staring at the line for like ten minutes.
it really is a hard question.
humph...

i just ate an unreasonable amount of muffins from the gingerbread construction co.,
and it was delicious.
they make the greatest muffins you've ever had in your life,
end of story.

it's cold out tonight;
freezing.
i'm far to suspicious;
untrusting.
my priorities are fucked;
but are they really?

i need to sleep some before work.
i'm gonna try to set it up so i can leave before the 22nd because this job sucks,
so i should be there early and rested tonight to talk with my boss.
i'll need to find a new job pretty soon after i quit this one though,
not looking forward to that.
i'm not a huge fan of jobs as they exist today.
but i need the cash,
so i guess i'll just have to suck it up.

"if you ain't got the do-re-mi..."

"i need to sleep, why won't you let me?"

blegh,
i should be sleping right now,
but i decided that i needed to blog,
so here i am,
typing away again without purpose.

i went on an exciting adventure today.
back and forth and all over town,
got my hair cut,
went to a metal show,
drank tons of vitamin water,
watched most of the matrix,
and almost finished a giant cookie from yesterday.
i'd say tonight was a success.

today was the first day that i skipped a class this semester.
there was no way that i was waking up for 8:45 when i didn't even get home and settled till almost 7:45;
it just wasn't happening.

my hair is much shorter.
marc, marc's mom, and john waugh think it looks good,
my sister thinks it looks gay.
i had a moment in the car talking to marc about how that's common in the house i grew up in, the brutally honest criticisms.
people think that i can be critical of others sometimes,
and admittably i can be,
but if there was a reason for it,
that would be why.
i grew up in a house of strong reality and fierce judgement.
don't get me wrong,
i have a very loving and awesome family,
but we are all definately held to some high standards,
higher than many.
it's made me a better person and a more self-conscious person at the same time.

whatever,
i'm just happy for a little more change.
there has been a lot of that floatin' around here lately.
i kinda dig it.
change is in the air,
word up...

ok, so i have mildly been obsessive with my blogging lately and i can't pin down exactly why.
my laptop is back,
i've been a folkin' and a rollin' (for pat),
i've had a lot of stuff to say,
and i have just felt like it, i guess.
who knows?
but it sure as hell is fun.
i do enjoy all of this time to just get it out like this.
it feels like my new room is working wonders.
working out makes me feel good too,
and what better to do when your chillaxin' after a workout then sit down and exercise your mind?

dr. credit is pretty good.
i like him.
he seems like he knows what he's talking about.
i mean, i did what he said,
and i now feel sore as he said i would.
that's credible enough for me, hahaha!
yea, that was some kind of joke,
that i was sharing with myself...
yea, nevermind that, i'm pretty lame.

so i wasn't planning on reping the creep here,
but i didn't have to do any work for it,
so we'll see where this goes.
i can coast,
i don't mind floating,
let's float little homie,
let us float...

what can i say?
we have fun.
marc and i on our little expeditions to wherever life happens to take us,
it's good times.

i dig the chillness of most things in my life right now.
it's just a real nonchalant sort of feeling.
it's fluid.
it's round.
it's just good.

i love good vibes too.
i like making new friends,
espescially when they're super laxed and open.
it's transitive.
it rubs off as if by osmosis.
the comfort is enlightening.
one feels as though they could say anything,
and not be judged;
it's a rare feeling indeed.

i was listening to frank sinatra today.
i think i want to try and cover one of his songs,
but i don't know which.
"my funny valentine" seemed alright at first,
but "strangers in the night" is starting to grow on me.

hmm, isn't it funny how things like that can change so quickly...

what am i doing?
what the fuck am i doing?
what am i doing?
what?
who?
when?
how?
maybe.
no.
well.
maybe.

i don't care.
i don't even fucking care.

apologies to all those subjected to my mumbling rants.
i gather that they were long, incoherent and generally fucked up.
my bad.
i sincerely am sorry to you all.
i don't know what the hell compelled me to call so many people like that.
i guess it seemed like a good idea at the time.

just to clear up any confusion,
i was ok to drive, really i was,
just not to call all my friends and remember it.
well, i mean, i remember calling people,
and i remember that more than one answering machine cut me short;
i actualy remember a lot, now.
i just don't really have a clue what i said,
which is probably a bad thing seeing as how i say some outlandish shit when i'm not under the influence.
my bad, yet again.

i'm not any kind of coward though.
i'll take the recoil face-up.
if i said something that anyone wants to talk about,
you all have my number.
again, i'm so sorry.
i fucked up...

i can't help it.
i have to keep writing.
i just feel like there's so much that i want to say to so many people,
none of it easy,
nothing that would roll of this tongue with any kind of dignity or grace.
and so quiet i remain,
with my tired head just two or three inches from my busy hands and clicking keyboard.

i'm inspired by my lack of inspiration.
i'm inspired by so much of now,
and where am i?
at home,
typing my heart out to a computer screen,
like it's gonna make a difference in these our pointless lives.
that says something to the credit of inspiration.

it comes and goes, the inspiration,
though the music remains for always and forever.
it's a bond.
and no, we're not always serious,
but life isn't always serious.
anything that is always serious needs to take a break.
i get my point across.

for so long i was secluded by my own stubborn visions,
but now, now it's overwhleming.
it's good to be overwhelmed.
it's good to have people that enjoy company for company's sake.
it's good to have my friends.

the ladybugs are back.
well, at least one is,
all around my room it goes.
i don't mind.
live.
do your thing, buddy.
no arguments on this end.

i need to sleep before the route tonight.
goodnight world,
i'll see you in an hour and a half for work...

downside to a downside, i'm spinning.
spun.
nowhere near extremes and yet,
and yet, it caves in all the same.
i'm twisting twisted little emotions into submission.
the urges, they drive me more than ever.
drive, drive away from a heart,
stretched, worn and expended.
it's ended; over, done.
with new rooms, new beginnings.
perhaps the bliss meant less than this,
lesser and less by the passing moments.
i'm no one; nothing and so,
i have no resentment or disdain.
but should the bell ring,
believe you me, i'll be sprinting for that train.
it just seems so fun,
i know that it is.
i know that i'd love living floating and fizz.
the control; controlled illusion,
it's me, it's my life,
it's my life and times,
with time well spent on wasting time,
debasing time, disgracing time,
turning time into my hastle.
i love it, i just love it,
and now i stink of letdown because of it.
no, wait, not me, i rise above,
like the mourning lover of a cold turtle dove;
i move on.
no one, nothing am i,
as are you the same.
you all! you all!
can't you all see?
i've outgrown my fairytales.
happy endings are illegit, ill-equipped.
i'm real, representing truth,
and i'm through with loving doves,
i'm looking more exotic,
i'm looking more free, more fun;
i'm looking for nothing more than silly love...

last night was icy and slippery and dangerous.
my "lack of focus" didn't help much either.
i'm totally sick of my job.
vomit.

parties are fun.
led zeppelin sucks when you're trying to stay awake.

whatever.
i've got shit to do,
well, not really, but i'll find shit to do.
i just don't care anymore,
and it's awesome!
things are lookin' up, PN style!

hahaha, fuck this is a stupid post.
i'm so glad i have the ability to just write stupid posts...