"frightened of jumping, in case (he) survives"

the story of my life...

i approach this blog with an unusual amount of determination,
or something like it.
honestly, i just don't know.

i am looking for a new beginning.
i am looking for the start of something great.
i need a sign,
i need something.
i just want to leave.
not to run away from the past,
but to start something new.
i'm so ready for the change.

i feel like i'm just not going anywhere,
like i'm just not doing what i should be doing.
i need a little more isolation i think.
some people get confused and they need to talk to someone,
i need to be left alone.
i need a shitty place to live.
i need no tv.
i need just work and music,
i need to make music my home.
i need to study.
i want to learn so much.

i have no clue what the fuck i'm talking about.
how will leaving change anything?
where would i go?

i think i might be holding them back.
i think they might be holding me back.
john could do better without me, berklee provides way more opportunities than the outside inn does and probably ever will.
nick has other things that are important to him now, which is good for him and i'm happy for him.
aaron is off doing the recording school thing, getting his life together.
sepe is really just an emt, he'll get tired of the band again soon i'm sure.
it just seems like we're all destined for something else.
we have always been a band that makes music we enjoy,
we never really cared how other people felt,
but now that we have to start thinking about whether people like it or not,
i have had to focus more keenly on whether i really like it or not,
and i'm beginning to question it all.
and what am i supposed to do?
just say "scrap it all, let's start fresh!"?
it doesn't work like that.
i don't have that power.
it'd be unfair.
i am so torn over this.

i don't know the whats, whys, or hows,
all i know is that i need some change,
and i need it really fucking' soon...

what the fuck?!
why am i so messed up?
i'm tired,
really tired.
i don't want to be doing this anymore,
living like this.
i feel sick almost,
like i'm always hungry but couldn't imagine eating anything.
my head hurts real easily.
i get frustrated with people for no reason.
i'm constantly unsatisfied with everything,
myself above all.
it sucks,
i want so badly to feel normal.

i think about it all the time.
i wonder if i could really do it.
would it even do anything for me?
maybe, just maybe...

have you ever thought about how nothing matters?
it's a grim concept,
i'll admit,
but isn't it kinda true?

i mean, think about it.
just ask yourself that age old cliche of a question,
"why are we here?"
i know it might seem stupid,
but seriously do it and try to come up with some sort of answer.

you can't.
it is impossible to come up with a definitive rational answer to that question.
the way i see it there is ultimately two trains of thought,
but neither actually answers the question.

one:
you could take the spiritual route and say that we're here to prepare ourselves for the eternal afterlife,
that life as we know it is just a buffer for something greater,
that our human lives are simply some sort of divine educational tool to teach us spiritual lessons and test our faith.
but i'd hardly call that rational.
i mean, if our lives are just a buffer for something else,
then there is good reason to believe that something else was a buffer for us and so on and so forth.
now my issue with that is that i don't recall any previous life right now,
so what's to say that it won't be the same in some other afterlife?
what's to say we won't begin that life as blank as we were when we were born here?
hell, what's to say it won't just be the same old shitty place there that it is here?
there's just too many loop holes and things to consider.
the thought of an afterlife is intriguing no doubt,
but just too much of a long shot for me.
of course, if you asked me,
i'd tell you that there is a 50/50 chance that some sort of spiritual afterlife exists,
either it does or it doesn't,
but i think realistically that the evidence leans more towards the negative.
it is unfortunate but true.

two:
you could take the path of the hippie/biologist,
the natural, "circle of life" sort of approach.
under this train of thought,
you might say that we are here as a part of some sort of life cycle,
that we and every other organism on the planet is here for the purpose of peaceful and harmonious coexistence.
this i think is much more true than the preceding idea but still,
does it really give us a purpose?
no, it doesn't.
there is no definitive purpose.
this answer only tells us what we are apart of while we are here,
it does not answer the 'why',
and without that 'why' answer,
there is no specified purpose to our lives.
we are brought right back to where we started,
with the question, "why are we here?"

taking everything i have just told you into consideration,
the best answer that i can come up with is this:

no reason.

that's it.
we are here for no reason.
so many people huffin' and puffin' over the topic and the answer is as simple as that,
there is no reason for us to be here,
no reason for us to be living life.
life does not matter.
nothing matters.

we go to school for years...
for nothing.
we focus our lives to working and succeeding...
for nothing.
we even waste our lives searching for things like love and happiness...
for nothing.
everything we do is for meaningless.
nobody wants to hear it and it sucks to say,
but in all honesty,
nothing matters.

now, some people would call me a pessimist.
they'd say that i'm an incredibly negative person and i have a horrible outlook on life.
well i disagree.
i think i'm a realist,
and the unfortunate and simple reality is that our lives are meaningless on a large scale.
i'm seen as negative because our society has labeled this idea as negative,
but that's not what i'm going for.
i'm not trying to be negative or positive,
i'm just trying to figure things out...

"you hear about some kid who did something stupid, something desperate. what possessed him? how could he do such a terrible thing? well, it's really quite simple actually. consider the life of a teenager, you have parents and teachers telling you what to do, you have movies, magazines, and tv telling you what to do, but you know what you have to do. your job, your purpose is to get accepted, get a cute girlfriend, think up something great to do for the rest of your life. what if your confused and can't imagine a career? what if you funny-looking and can't get a girlfriend? you see, no one wants to hear it, but the terrible secret is that sometimes being young is less fun than being dead. suicide is wrong, but the interesting thing about it is how uncomplicated it seems. you know, there you are, you've got all these problems swarming around in your brain and here is one solution, one incredibly simple solution. i'm just surprised it doesn't happen everyday around here...

now, they're saying i shouldn't think stuff like this. they say something is wrong with me, that i should be ashamed. well, i'm sick of being ashamed, aren't you?"

-christian slater, pump up the volume

couldn't have said it better myself...

who am i in real life?

sometimes i wish i could just go away...

i feel the need to talk to heather,
right now, right this very second.
in fact,
i have felt the need to talk to heather or someone like her for most of my life,
as far back as i can remember,
most especially these past few months because i've really needed it and i've known she's out there,
but i can't.

i know this may prompt a comment saying something like:
"you have my number, the lines open."
or some other sort of reassuring line to let me know that i can always count on her or something like that,
and i know it wouldn't be false comfort either.
heather is someone who would truly talk to a stupid ass like me and actually care what i was saying.
so before i type anymore,
i need to get across that i understand this fact and it is greatly appreciated.
i love you, heath,
i always will.

but i can't anymore.
it hurts me to say it,
but i cannot even call you anymore.
every time i scroll through the contacts on my phone,
i see your name and the silly little smile i left next to it and i want to cry.
literally, this is no joke,
i have almost cried in public more than once just looking at your name or some obscure old text conversation we had before.
i know that you say you miss me,
and i believe it,
but i crumble without you,
i've been crumbling all this time.
i love you and miss you so much that i have to forget,
just for my own health.

the other night,
with just those few text messages,
i got picked up and thrown down again.
please don't feel bad,
you did nothing wrong,
i mean that.
but that's what has happened between you and i,
it's not that we're not compatible anymore,
or that we've both changed and moved apart,
i cannot talk to you because every time i do i feel the same sort of tearing feeling i felt crying with you in that stupid pizzeria parking lot,
the same feeling i felt when i sat with you on your living room couch for the last time and told you that i finally understood what you were saying about us because i knew that it was best for you,
the same feeling i felt when i walked out your door and told myself repeatedly, with all my might, not to look back.
i have spent so much time trying to forget you that it makes me sick of love.
but what makes me even more sick is that after all that forgetting,
it only takes something as small as a little text message to bring it all back up.
that's how fucked up i am now,
love,
the thought of you,
literally makes me breakdown inside.
none of it is your fault,
don't take this stupid blog, or any of them for that matter, the wrong way;
we did the right thing.
i'm pretty sure this is just a standard after effect of the whole "loved and lost" thing.
it sucks,
but that's life.

i miss you,
i miss you so much.
i wish that i could talk to you everyday;
you're really the only person i could ever just talk to.
i wish i had a little button that i could press that made the world stop and you just appear for me to hold for as long as i needed,
until i was really ready to let go.
but that's impossible,
so i guess i'll just have to live with this.
i'll learn how eventually,
i hope.

i love you heather,
i always will.
you have a chunk of my heart that i'll never get back.
it hurts,
but i'm getting by.
i think we did the right thing.
i know you'll be happy with whatever you do,
you always find a way to make things brighter.
you're the positive to my negative,
the right to my wrong,
the hope to my cynicism;
you made me feel whole.
thank you.

well, now that my eyes are bloodshot and i've just about bit a hole through both my lip and my thumb,
let's sum it up in the most simple and straightforward fashion.
i miss you.
i love you.
i hope we meet again.
thank you, heather, for being a part of my life...

i'm terrified of myself.
i've come to that conclusion.
i think that i've been leaning towards it for a while,
but now it's official.

people have a hard time understanding how i can do some of the things i do and say some of the things i say,
like it's wrong and i have problems or something.
my own mom even tells me that i have problems:

"you are such a mean person."
"you have some serious commitment issues."
and of course, the classic,
"i always try so hard to be a good, caring person, to not be hard and cynical like you."

people don't understand i think.
people think that i want to be like this.
i don't want to be a hothead.
i don't want to be an ass hole.
i wish i didn't have to act like a clown to handle shit,
i really wish i could just be normal,
but i just can't.
people tell me that i need to change,
that i can change if i want to,
they're wrong.
it's not like quitting smoking or drinking or even biting my fingernails,
i'm not trying to beat a bad habit,
i'm trying to overcome my personality,
like the whole damn thing.
you can't just stop being you,
it's not something you can quit cold turkey or otherwise.

even things like the hothead/fighting deal with me,
i thought i was over that.
i went a long time without getting into a fight like that,
and then with just a little bit of an aggravated state and a few testy words,
here i come again like clockwork.
i don't want to be like that, who would?
and i was doing so well for so long.

it's just like how i always say it:
people can't change, they can only cover up.
it is impossible to change your personality,
believe me i've tried more than a few times;
no one can change who they truly are.
you can cover it up really well,
you can work around your undesirable traits,
but in the end, they're still there,
hidden in the shadows,
lurking in the darkest alleys of all the empty and forgotten places in the back of your mind.
the only way to change is to erase and start from scratch,
but you can't do that in the real world.
there is no 'restart' button in the game of life;
you get what you get and that is that.

people who say that they have no regrets are fucking liars,
i would give anything for a 'restart' button...