ah, here we go again,
just when you think a head can't get anymore fucked in one night,
in comes that sweeping feeling,
that glorious sickness that can only be brought on by someone you really wish you could forget.
but what is this?
what is this new aftertaste that has taken to filling my mouth in between texts?
is that contempt?
why do i feel so offended by someone who has done nothing wrong to me?
why do i feel so offended by someone who has done nothing but care and want to know how i am?
why can't i just feel good about interactions such as these?

there is always some ulterior motive with me,
i always think people are out to get me for some reason,
like nobody is sincere,
like i'm surrounded by people who are out to take from me.
why?

probably because i am my worst fear,
because i often times see people as mere stepping stones on my rise to the top.
i ask myself:
"what can i gain from this person?"
"are they even worth my time?"
i'm a constant critic and ruthless judge,
a social criminal, i'd say.
some meet new people with open arms,
i meet new people with a tag gun,
giving each new acquaintance a value,
to be brought up or down as time progresses.
i think that i'm afraid of being taken advantage of because i do it so often to others.

they're odd comparisons,
but i guess i'm very much like napoleon bonaparte or joeseph stalin,
both ruthless and strong rulers,
men who beat the odds and made it to the top using any means necessary,
and also men who were notoriously paranoid.
history makes so much sense to me now,
and i understand why these are two of the men that intrigue me the most,
i am these men.
i can tell my story through theirs:
middle class boy raised in a working family is instilled with the desire to succeed above all things,
he dreams of one day amassing great power, wealth, and respect,
he surrounds himself with the best links to the top,
cutting them loose bit by bit until ultimately reaching his goal and claiming the prize for himself.

how nasty this is,
but also how true.
think about it;
i am constantly taking in knowledge,
tips from other sources,
my best friends are the people that can help me gain the most,
and i lack the sentiment to feel bad when i leave people behind.
i have the potential to be a really terrible person.
like anakin turning into darth vader,
i have that kind of potential.
well now, isn't that something deep, dark, and interesting to ponder...