why would she do that?
i don't understand people or why they do things.
how fucked up it makes my head,
wondering about people.
why they do things,
every implication they are trying to make,
every goal they are trying to reach by making any obscure statement.
i just want to know what people are talking about.

lack of communication is the reason for most every conflict on the fucking planet.
and yet still people lie,
and people hide their true feelings,
their real intentions.

why can't we just say what we mean and mean what we say.
i guess the simplest answer would be that not many people really know what they mean.
and even if they did,
they wouldn't know how to say it,
or even just express themselves.
i don't know myself.
i don't know what i ever really mean,
and i definately have no clue how to express myself.
and it ticks me off that i can't do some thing as simple as express myself.
i mean, don't get me wrong,
i'm not incapable of expression or feelings,
i just generally don't know what i want.

it makes me feel sad and lost.
like no one will ever really understand me because i will never be able to understand myself.
what a horrible thought...

she was right.
i need to keep writing.
no matter what i do, i need it.
i love it.
writing down my thoughts,
reading them,
seeing where i stand at one point of another,
it's intersting.
i enjoy it.

i always like to analyze things,
and after my thoughts are down in writing,
it gives me a chance to do so.
how grand to be able to better understand yourself.
kinda like "the science of tony."
i like that, "the science of me,"
"the science of my being."
how grand indeed.

3 posts in one day?
holy blogger!
looks like maybe i'm back with a vengeance,
or at least something to talk about...

well, isn't that an interesting concept:
"fate has a way of working itself out."
i don't know how i feel about that.

i think that things have a way of working themselves out.
is it fate?
i don't know about that.
to say 'fate' is to imply some mystical force that makes things work out.
i don't believe in that.

i try to stay away from the whole "mystical force" thing,
it's just not my bag.
i try to stick to things that make sense.
fate, love, hate, god, etc.,
these things are just too open-ended;
they can fuck you up real bad.

it's not even that i'm strict about my disbelief,
i just like to know what i'm dealing with,
what i'm up against...

i'm hungry.
i can't wait to be done with work so that i can get back to some sort of normal sleeping schedule,
and subsequent regulated eating schedule.
right now, i'm just tired of it, or am i?
maybe it's not my job, it's something else?
maybe i just am kinda messed up in the head?
i've been tired for so long though,
we'll see what happens i guess.

yea, so emotional ties to people and things suck.
if i haven't plainly stated it before, i'll do so right now:
they suck.
i keep wanting to just forget things or the way that i felt or still feel about different people,
but i can't.
and life again proves that nothing is easy and scars are forever.

i like tht phrase,
"nothing is easy and scars are forever."
maybe i'll turn it into a song.
nick is kinda right about my 'tonyisms' after all.
i suppose i do have some phrase for everything.
why? i don't know.
it could be my perpetuation to set things straight,
sayings and anecdotes do have a way of doing that.
they solve problems i think,
and lend to interesting terms of expression.

i don't know, i guess i can dig it.
my language is individual if nothing else.
i would've said original, but i don't think that's necessarily true.
i take bits and pieces as i go.
the footnotes for my dialouge would be ridiculous.
so do i plagurize my words or is it just unconscious borrowing?
i don't know, but it's definately something that is interesting to ponder...