i wish things were easier, and yet i simultaneously wish they were harder. how is it that two, if not thousands, of people can be doing the exact same thing and only some are recognized? i move quickly from inspired to hopeless, too quickly. today i sat around all lame and stupid like. i was tired from my last all-nighter of the semester, but i really hate excuses. parties happened, i didn't go, i didn't want to go. i rarely want to go to parties anymore. man, i wish i had my own place, some place that could just be mine, where i could be me always, where i could find me. who am i? i'm just under 6'2''. my weight changes drastically between meals. my shoe size is somewhere between 13 and 15 depending on the shoe brand and style. sometimes i tell people my feet are two different sizes; this is not medically confirmed, but they definitely rest differently and i'm pretty sure that effects their actual size measurements. i feel bad when i talk about things like this because the way i talk lends to my speaking in definitiveness and brushing over details like this for convenience; i feel like i'm lying a lot when in reality i'm just brushing over things for the sake of conversation. i like the idea of fierce conversations, but i don't think that i could realistically do it all the time. i wonder if the woman who wrote that article only has fierce conversations. how exhausting. i kinda had a little school boy crush on my human comm teacher this semester. she's kinda goofy and bubbly, but honest and vulnerable. there would be times in class where she would just say something totally heartfelt and honest and i couldn't help but think, "holy crap, i love you." i guess that's just how i am. that sort of thing can make me fall in love with a person in a second. i feel the same way with a lot of people. something gets said or done and i just fall in love, maybe for a minute, maybe for a day, maybe for a couple of days or longer; i just develop these crushes. then i work myself up and start thinking about love and its place in my life. whether i deserve it or not, whether everyone deserves it or not. this semester, the idea popped in my head that maybe i could just love everybody without being loved at all. i think it popped in there, because that's kinda where i feel i'm at most of the time. i don't know how i feel about the reality of it, but i do love the concept, to think that a person could give themselves wholly to everyone, and accept nothing in return. there are flaws, holes in the idea, but i'm not really setting out to explore the holes. i'm just rambling. my paper on british rock in the seventies sucks, i felt bad turning it in. i know i could've done a better one under different circumstances, but the circumstances were a result of my own foolish negligence. maybe i put too much on my plate, maybe i need the stress, maybe the way i was raised puts me at a disadvantage, maybe at an advantage. i both love and hate thinking about my childhood and its long term effects on me as an adult. i have issues, i've talked about them here. i like to justify things and try to find some sort of explanation or reasoning behind things, that's the only sense of scientific logic that i have. my eyes hurt. i've been up and down, up and down too much today. i'm tired of computers, i wasn't going to go on one again today after last night, but i had communicative urges that needed to be relieved. i keep rubbing my face. thank you for your time...