i'm terrified of myself.
i've come to that conclusion.
i think that i've been leaning towards it for a while,
but now it's official.

people have a hard time understanding how i can do some of the things i do and say some of the things i say,
like it's wrong and i have problems or something.
my own mom even tells me that i have problems:

"you are such a mean person."
"you have some serious commitment issues."
and of course, the classic,
"i always try so hard to be a good, caring person, to not be hard and cynical like you."

people don't understand i think.
people think that i want to be like this.
i don't want to be a hothead.
i don't want to be an ass hole.
i wish i didn't have to act like a clown to handle shit,
i really wish i could just be normal,
but i just can't.
people tell me that i need to change,
that i can change if i want to,
they're wrong.
it's not like quitting smoking or drinking or even biting my fingernails,
i'm not trying to beat a bad habit,
i'm trying to overcome my personality,
like the whole damn thing.
you can't just stop being you,
it's not something you can quit cold turkey or otherwise.

even things like the hothead/fighting deal with me,
i thought i was over that.
i went a long time without getting into a fight like that,
and then with just a little bit of an aggravated state and a few testy words,
here i come again like clockwork.
i don't want to be like that, who would?
and i was doing so well for so long.

it's just like how i always say it:
people can't change, they can only cover up.
it is impossible to change your personality,
believe me i've tried more than a few times;
no one can change who they truly are.
you can cover it up really well,
you can work around your undesirable traits,
but in the end, they're still there,
hidden in the shadows,
lurking in the darkest alleys of all the empty and forgotten places in the back of your mind.
the only way to change is to erase and start from scratch,
but you can't do that in the real world.
there is no 'restart' button in the game of life;
you get what you get and that is that.

people who say that they have no regrets are fucking liars,
i would give anything for a 'restart' button...