school went really slow today.
i'm not sure exactly why it seemed so slow.
nothing out of the ordinary happened,
but nothing too crazy ever happens so thats no excuse.

i kinda got to questioning myself a bit today.
i don't exactly know why,
but as i was sitting through each of my classes,
fighting to stay awake,
i couldn't help but think that maybe i picked the wrong career choice.

that girl who i was kinda into at the beginning of the semester hasn't shown up for a while,
like 3 classes or so in both message design and systems and theories.
shes either sick or switched majors and dropped the courses.
if she dropped the courses that would suck because i liked talking to her,
it gave me something to do.

there's this kid eddy that seems pretty cool in my systems and theories class.
i can't tell whether he thinks i'm annoying or not.
i keep thinking how cool it would be if i got to know him well enough to call him "heavy e."
that'd be funny.

i like my speech class.
i sit between ben and dan,
so there's always someone to talk to.
plus, the class is pretty alright anyway;
i like speaking and stuff.

sociology is ehh.
i really dig my voice lessons though.
dr.ness is a really great teacher for me;
i learn a lot from her.

i've been working out.
it's fun.
you don't realize how out of shape you are until you start trying to do things that you used to and it just doesn't work.
i go three times a week.
i might go more,
but that would be considerably out of my way so we'll see.

my notice is in at work.
my last day is the 23rd, i think.
i'm stoked.
fuck my job.
i'll need to get a new one.
i'm still gonna look for night shift,
just not 7 nights a week.
more like 4 or 5 would be great.
working at night is fun.
people who work night jobs are all realy hardworking and interesting people.
they're fun to meet and know.

ehhh, my life is pretty boring.
all that nonsense, none of it is very interesting.
but then again, i suppose that's life.
i'd say i'm going through the motions,
but i think a lot of the ways i go about things are pretty original.
so maybe i'm going through motions,
not THE motions, just motions.

oh, how i wish i could break the cycle...

my laptop is back in action.
it's pretty exciting.
even though i don't have much use for it this semester based on my classes,
it's still good to have it back.

maybe i'll give it a name.
i name all my cars,
so why the hell not name my laptop too?

hmmmm,
what the fuck do you name a laptop?
how about Hester or Abigail?
i don't know anyone with either of those names.

wait,
i do know an Abigail.
actually i know two.
damn.

i don't know any Hesters though!
there you have it,
my laptops name is now officially Hester.
why?
because it's the first name that popped into my head.
oh, you mean why name your laptop?
how about because it's very essential to my everyday life,
just as my car, Zoe Sweetheart, is.

moreover,
i like naming things.
it's lame and fun,
just like me...

i'm going to spam-a-lot tonight.
it should be pretty cool.

divergent experience lends to divergent thinking.
there's so much that i want to do,
so much i want to experience.
to learn from the world around you is a beautiful thing.
i want to be so capable, so versatile in what i do.

is it worth it though?
i've often wondered if i have a unique perspective,
as my idols do.
but so many of them had help,
is it worth it?
maybe just once, for the experience.

risk is stimulating.
life is my influence,
i want to learn...

Langhorne Slim - "Drowning"

And I never will know why
Love will pay no mind to me
Love always loved the way it sounded in theory
And I'd kill to be alone
With the strength to be alone
Lonely feelings make me sad around company
Well I'm dedicated and I'm craving someone that i don't know
In this sea of stupidity I am stuck in the undertow
Here come the lifeguard
I'm drowning and she seems so delicious
I'm grounded wtih her arms around me
And I'm, I'm blinded by them ugly fishes
Don't ask me any of your questions
I won't tell you my lies
Words desreve to serve the painful penalty
And it's analysing just how they're spoken
Three times my hearts been broken
Mama, you aint never told me it's gonna feel like this
So dont sit back and settle for comfort over pain
I've been burned by the copper kettle I have spit back at the pouring rain
Lie must gut denial
Smile at it's melting face
My insides are defiled
It's wild baby but i cannot erase
Truth is all a lie and I'm trying lesser everyday
Death to all that's dying, conditioning and decay
Tick tock in a pitter pattern
Balls drop cock salutiing Saturn

Darling I just wanna shoot a gun...

i am not a hero.
i am not a stud.
i am not anyone to be looked up to.

i'm a lazy bastard.
i have very limited self-control when it counts.
i am not a good brother.

look at me,
just take a good long hard look sometime,
let me know what you see.

my name is tony and i think life is salty enough as is...

there are a ton of old and left over fortune cookies floating around my house right now.
so, i decided the other day that i would have one at the beginning of every day to help get rid of them and to see "what to watch for" that day;
just something stupid and fun at the beginning of every day,
and actually, they've been surprisingly accurate.
vague, yes, but that's the nature of the thing.

today, my cookie had this to say:
"Never fear! The end of something marks the beginning of something new."

normally, this sort of vague cookie wouldn't phase me,
but today, it was almost too accurate as i had been feeling just before i had it that there was some big change coming.
it was a pressing feeling,
not urgent, but definitely pressing.
maybe it was a "get off your ass and be the change" feeling,
that could be it.
i don't know.

i'm pretty lonely.
not sad or depressed, just tired of being alone.
my friends are great, i love them.
the whole "outside inn" situation is lame, but whatever;
if that's the most of my problems then i think i'm doin' alright.
my family is pretty good, i think.
my mom gets sad still, but since she's been "on strike" she's been much better.
my life isn't bad, not even close,
but i'm still lonely.
i'm tired of sleeping alone,
and i mean sleeping,
though it would be nice to get a little play occasionally.

i suppose it's my own fault,
it's not like i'm out searching for anyone,
and i've never been big on one night stands.
not that i'm not down for them,
just that it's never been my style.
i'm not smooth, i have no game;
it is a sad trait that all of us with "stanley ipkiss/nice guys finish last syndrome" have to deal with.

eh, whatever.
i'm not complaining, just explaining.
i'm tired of being lonely.
i miss the feeling of being with somebody.
actually, now that i think about it,
i don't even remember what that feels like.
maybe i'm trying to fill a void,
maybe i'm trying to justify this pressing feeling,
or maybe i'm just trying to understand how and why i feel.

i'm searching for answers.
i'm searching for change.
i'm searching for someone to love me.

"and i will hang my head, hang my head low..."

life is fucked up.

that's all i really have to say...

so on the cover of the new york times today was a picture of a sobbing marion jones as she received her sentence of six months in jail for perjury.

in the past, i've been a real hard ass about people getting what they deserve,
but i think my views have matured considerably in the past year or so.

i say this because as i was looking at this picture and reading the headings and just generally thinking about the whole situation, the only clear thought going through my mind was:
"leave the girl alone. hasn't she had enough?"
i mean,
1) she was found guilty of cheating in the biggest sports event in the world,
2) all of her medals were taken from her,
3) she has to carry one of the greatest sporting indignities EVER with her for the rest of her life,
4) she was embarrassed in front of the WHOLE WORLD, so it's not even like there is some country she can escape to,
and 5) now she has this half-healthy steroid-contaminated body that she couldn't give back even if she wanted to.
in short, the girl's life is fucked.

now, you're telling me that on top of all that,
this girl should spend time in prison?
i don't buy it.
so what if she lied in court?
it's not like she lied about hurting or killing someone,
she lied about a stupid game.
they already took her medals and her name is pretty much disgraced worldwide,
leave the girl alone.
let her live her life with the little dignity that she has been able to retain.
if you put her in prison she'll lose even that.
just let her be,
no one should have to go to prison for lying when the truth is found out and no one got hurt.

her judge may be following the law,
but sometimes you have to look past that and show leniency to a person who's endured enough,
because sometimes the law is just so dumb...

pat thinks that there is gonna be a folk rock movement sometime in the next few years,
and he thinks that we are gonna be right on the cusp of it.
pat thinks that by being a part of the new movement early we'll be able to ride the wave to fame and fortune,
just like the wave in the picture on his wall.
he is getting ready to be famous.

what do i think?

i think i've already spent too many years in both The Outside Inn and DFTA hoping and trying to be on the edge of a scene.
i think i'm just gonna keep writing my music without too many expectations,
it's just way more "me," you know?

would fame and fortune be cool?

obviously yes, i'm not a freaking quaker,
but if there's one thing i've learned in my life it would be that often times things tend to go the exact opposite of how they are planned,
at least for me that is.
so, i guess in that respect i think that if i just leave the idea alone maybe it'll happen when i least expect it.
that would be nice...

why do i keep doing this to myself?
wasting my head on a couple of "two-bit ass holes?"

at this point i just want my mics back so that i can be over and done with them.
it's shitty how they're handling this whole mess.
so much for priding yourself on your professionalism.
so much for "i thought we were friends."

i've made mistakes, i'll admit that.
i've made a lot of stupid mistakes, especially recently.
i've done things and handled things worse then they could have been done or handled,
but at the end of each mistake i've made is an apology,
or at least an honorable attempt to make things right.
the shit that their pulling on me now is just downright low.
it's calculated, unlike any of my mistakes.
i'm an emotional hothead, sure.
i mess up when my emotions get the best of me and i stop thinking.
but almost every time this happens i regret it afterwards and seek to correct it.
this is different, this was planned.
this is calculated betrayal at its lowest.
to make a move like that and not face-up afterwards is just plain pathetic.

i'm tired of this game.
i'm tired of being upset over this.
i want my mics.
i want my lyrics.
i want these two "friends" out of my life...

it's official,
i'm a hopeless romantic;
hopeless being the operative word.

did i want to kiss her?
yes, of course.
but i couldn't because if i did that,
i'd have fallen for her all over again.

it only takes one kiss,
one kiss and my newly found balance disappears and i get flipped on my ass,
one kiss and i melt like butter in a microwave,
everything solid disappears.
it only takes one kiss with me, that's it.

if that's not hopeless, then i don't know what is...

i fractured my nose a little bit again at the bosstones concert.
this makes the third time i've pretty much broken my face.
it was fun, it was worth it.

i fucking hate the rights that cops just have.
i'm not saying this because anything bad happened to me recently,
i just hate that cops can up and arrest you for something as stupid as running suspiciously near a crime scene.
things like that make me dislike cops, dislike authority.

the same way the military pisses me off.
that some faction of people can just claim rights to your body is ridiculous.
i'm not trying to be unpatriotic or anything,
i would fight for my friends and family in an instant if i had to,
but to give up your rights as a human being to the cause of war or some stupid shit like that is just nonsense.
i'm a fighter,
always have been, probably always will be,
but i fight for my friends and loved ones,
not some stupid fucking war.
oil and politics are not worth my time,
let alone my human rights.

i'm mixed on soldiers.
i have loads of respect for them for the things they do to help our country,
but at the same time i've never been to keen on the people who run our country.
i pity them for signing themselves over to a bunch of morons.
i'm a fighter, but i could never be a soldier...