have you ever been angry at someone for not understanding?
for not feeling the way that you feel or you think they should feel?
i do that sometimes and i don't like it.

lately,
a few people that i had been angry with have come to feel how i thought they should've felt before and rather than feel accomplished,
all i feel is regret.

there have been many influential people in my life that have told me they live life without regrets.
it's because of instances like this that i have to disagree with them.

for some reason right now,
i'm reminded of all the times when i have held my ground and been told that some decision i made was wrong, or even just "not cool."
i have a lot of these.

i grew up in a home where strength and standing your ground were not just good qualities to have,
but rather required qualities;
that is how i was supposed to be.
but as i've grown older,
it has been made clear to me that i cannot always stand my ground,
that sometimes sticking up for what i believe in or what i know is right is actually the wrong choice.
it's a real "damned if you do, damned if don't" scenario.
hold my ground, get crushed, feel regret,
or,
don't hold my ground, feel regret.
either way, i feel like i'm stuck,
trapped in a mindset that may never feel totally right about anything.

i wish i was good at math.
math seems to provide the sort of control and structure that i wish i had all the time.
i'm no good at math,
only things like writing where the possibilities are endless and the idea of structure is almost looked down upon.

i'm tired.
tired of feeling responsible for things,
both good and bad.
sometimes i wish i could just be a puppet or a tool to be wielded by something greater than myself.
at least then i wouldn't feel any blame.

regret, blegh...