let's talk about digestion.
in every sense of the word,
i have always felt like i just don't do it right,
like there is something about my body and my mind that takes things in and sorts through it in a fashion that just isn't right.
this has lead to me growing, developing, perceiving and understanding differently than most people, if not all people.

i don't know what a "settled stomach" is,
i don't think i've ever had one,
different degrees of unsettled perhaps.
i don't know.

i wonder about things like whether i wipe my ass correctly,
or my poop looks normal.
i don't worry about it,
but i definitely wonder.
these are just simple things.
gross to many,
but i'd just say it's something to talk about.

who thinks about this kinda stuff?
this is me digesting...

it's 1:30 am and i just finished writing a paper due by midnight.
i left a note with it.
my professor is a reasonable guy and i think it's a pretty ballin' essay,
so i don't anticipate there being a problem with it.

if he's upset about it,
i'll just explain that i was totally stressed out and needed to go to a show instead of staying and writing and delivering my paper on time.
he may not understand, but honestly,
had i not gone to this show,
i would not have been able to write the essay that i did.
i would have sat in front of my computer for twice as long as i just did,
and the result would be a shitty, unmotivated paper that would not be worth much more than a 1.0 for the five hours of my life that i wasted doing it.
i'm happy with the paper i turned in,
and that's good enough for me.
brotha-man will deal.

on another note,
i got my ass kicked at the show.
i still had my wounds from when i took that digger long boarding the other day,
then i go to this show and decide to be one of the "pit characters,"
so it isn't hard to understand why they opened back up and why i'll be real sore for the next few days.

on to the subject of "pit characters" because that sounds like something that might be entertaining to discuss.
when i use the term "pit character" (which is totally something i just made up now, but looks pretty official in quotations so i think i might use it more often),
i mean a person who goes to a show and finds a home in the general mosh or circle pit area long enough to develop an identifiable persona amongst the whole of the audience.
for example, tonight at the show,
there was an outstandingly loud, drunk dude who made his presence known early.
he was wearing a black beater and a red handkerchief tied around his dark hair that helped to make him standout.
i dubbed him Ralph Macchio for the evening.
he made his presence known to all through his behavior and outfit,
therefore he's a "pit character,"
an outstanding personality at a rock show who makes their presence known in the pit,
which is pretty much center stage.
these people subject themselves to the judgements of the crowd,
gaining either approval and friendship or ridicule and the possibility of becoming a target for people to hate on in the pit.

tonight, i was one of those.
i had fun and made some friends,
but i also got my ass kicked.
that's life,
you take the good with the bad.

damn, i love taking stupid concepts and making them important by tagging "that's life" to the end of them.
ha ha, but then again,
that's life...

i'm sore.
i'm exhausted.
i have to rewrite an essay due today,
making sure to avoid my consistent use of colloquial grammar and the passive voice because they are inappropriate in an academic essay.

i am colloquial grammar.
i am the passive voice.
i come to college, learn, and then tell everyone what i've learned colloquially, in easy terms with an emphasise on action, and you know what:
they get it...

i have a plan.
never in my life have i really had a plan,
but i kinda do now.

my plan is to keep working my way through school,
so that when i graduate, i have no kind of debt looming over me.
also, my car will be paid off by then too.
i will be at zero.

the next step is to leave for a while.
the second that i am at zero,
i think i'm just gonna take off for a while,
maybe with purpose, maybe without,
either way i want to escape without direction for a while.

my only real goal for my life is some kind of cross country or east coast tour with my music.
i'm past the point of needing to be a superstar,
i just want to take my music around just to say i have.
it's about the music, not the fame.

beyond that, i have no real goals or career aspirations.
the way i see it,
as long as i'm alive i'm gonna be doing something,
so what does it matter what career i take up.
in the bigger picture, a career is just a small portion of a life anyways.
i'm not so concerned with that.

plans do have a funny way of changing though.
there isn't a whole lot that would change my current plans,
but i can think of a few things.
mostly family and friend stuff, they come first.

then there's that whole relationship aspect of things and the plans could change for one person.
i was once told to forget, and i have mostly.
but every now and then, i remember and i miss her.
when i forgot, i forgot not just her,
but the whole desire.
it dawned on me the other day that i haven't been with anyone for anything in a long time,
not even a stupid date or even gotten a number.
i just don't have the motivation.
sometimes it's because i'm scared, i know.
but usually i'd just rather make a friend.

i'm not a ladies man,
i don't think i'd really like meaningless sex.
i had a love,
and as much as i try to forget or right songs about how i'm over her,
the truth is that i'm not.
i have a "one who got away,"
and i'm not over her,
and i can't forget.
but i'll respect her till the day i die,
and if she doesn't want me to be a part of her life,
then i won't be.

i've done some stupid things to her,
and some even stupider things in her absence,
but i think i'm changing for the better now.
i'm not asking for a second chance,
but should she ever need me for anything,
i hope she can remember that i'll always be willing,
and i'm not hard to find...