it's amazing how much can happen in just two weeks.
i've been doing a lot of thinking about time lately and how much i really have.
life is long, man, it really is.
i cannot begin to understand how it's gonna feel to be old.
what am i gonna do in the time it takes me to get old?
it just seems like getting old is gonna be so boring.
life is kinda boring, or at least it can be.
i feel like there's a million things i could do,
but i don't really want to do anything.
or maybe i want to do everything but i'm just too overwhelmed?

family?
i might have a family some day?
that's just too fucked up.
i can hardly take care of myself and i'm supposed to have a family?
my mom was younger than me when she started having kids.
what the fuck?!
why would anyone do that?

were me, lexi, and andrew really mom and dad's choice?
did they really feel like they were ready?
i couldn't imagine having kids,
making a choice of that magnitude.
what if you have kids only to find out that you're a terrible parent?
you can't just stop being a parent.

i'm a choice.
i'm a choice made by my parents that changed their lives forever.
i couldn't make that choice,
not right now.

you know, i could die right now.
then what?
would that make me a bad choice?

i have been lost in my head the past few days.
people are moving, people are dying, and here i am screwing around.
working full time to pay for an education that i probably don't need.
but what would i do if i wasn't doing this?
nothing?
just lounge around all the time?
that's not much of a life.

i'll find something.
i stress and i question,
but i know that ultimately i'll just get through it.

i hope he didn't overdose because if he did,
then that means it could have been suicide and that's just too much for me to handle.
the thought that someone i know could commit suicide scares me.
it's weird to think that someone i see daily could just decide to quit and then they'd be dead.
hell, everyone i know could die all at once for no reason at all, then what?
what's a person to do when people start dying?

i'm frightened.
i'm frightened of the future.
what the hell am i supposed to do?
r.i.p. pat, hopefully you're in a place where there is no stress and things aren't so complicated as here...