totally caught in a cloud of procrastination right now.
i'm just not in the mood for a primary document essay.

people take "undeclared" as a bad thing,
i don't.
in fact, it is my favorite term as of late.
it just fits perfect for me,
it's what i want to be.
my goal in life is to be undeclared, forever.

who decided that we had to make big choices all the time anyways?

i don't want to make a choice because i don't want to be limited.
people should have the right to do anything they want,
or nothing at all,
without the pressure of being wholly committed to anything.

i want the freedom to study something one day, and drop it the next.
i want the freedom to move somewhere, and then just leave without any of my stuff.
i just want to be free, does that make me selfish?
no, i suppose not.

oh, what i would give to live the life of a vagrant,
if only the world was more giving...

i'm searching for essence,
in more than one way.
a thought to help me feel,
a drug to take it all away.

i don't get sick anymore.
i have new priorities now.
it's weird to think how much i've really taken to this thing.
i guess i forgot how it feels not to feel,
i kinda like it.
baggage is overrated,
who needs it.

i think i'm getting closer to the person i want to be,
which is kinda an odd statement seeing what i've bee up to lately.
i just don't care anymore.

i keep writing, "i guess," and, "i think," in these things;
i've gotta learn to make a solid statement,
without any second guessing.
so:

we all reach a point in our lives where nothing matters.
who knows why it happens?
some people may have epiphanies,
some people may be under the influence of mind altering drugs when it happens,
some people probably even study philosophy and psychology and gradually comes to terms with it.
me?
i'm one of the majority class who comes to realize this fact when their chips are down and their forced to make a move.
you get backed into a corner,
frightened, ready to pounce,
but once you realize their really isn't anything you can do,
and anything you did do wouldn't help much anyways,
you stand up,
brush yourself off,
regain your composure and say,
"fuck this shit, i'm out!"
then you walk away.

success isn't the key,
love isn't the key,
hate certainly isn't the key,
so what is?
indifference, i say, because frankly, who gives a shit?
i've come to realize that life moves a lot more smoothly if you just go with the flow and don't care about things like the future or success.
and it definitely moves more smoothly if you stop caring about other peoples ideals;
everybody has right to think and feel whatever,
we're all cool in our own way,
so let's just chill and go with the flow.
i like that.
go with the flow,
a liquid approach,
i've been a solid for too long.
liquid is in...

ps - if you're reading this, it's good to have you back. give me a call, we should chill. i'd like that.

i am so goddamn hungry.
it's fucking 2:43 in the afternoon and i haven't eaten or drank anything today.
i was gonna buy a drink, but i didn't have enough money.
so, empty my stomach remains until i get home around 5.
i'm tired.
i have a headache, probably because i haven't eaten anything.
i smell like shit because i woke up late and didn't take a shower this morning.
i skipped out on the first shuttle i saw on the chance that i could park up at mckay but there was no room so i screwed myself and showed up later than i should have.
i missed a quiz.
i'm on the back end of a 3 hour between classes.
BLAH! BLAH! BLAH! BLAH!

i didn't approach this post intending it to be a bitch fest,
it just turned out that way.
stupid shit makes me pissed.
i just don't want to be in school right now...

are we doomed to be just like our parents when we grow up?
is it really inevitable?

i feel like maybe everything was kinda determined before i had any say.

i don't want to have kids i think.
the more and more i think about it,
i just wouldn't want to subject any kid to the sort of mindset i have.
and yes,
the thought that i might not have any say is a driving force to this thought.
it makes me think that no mater how hard i try to make the kid a better person than myself,
he still gonna end up a fucking loser by nature.
it just seems so hopeless...