a normal reaction to a fucked up situation...

2009-08-30T23:12:00.000-07:00

maybe i'm done with this on here,
i don't know.
we'll have to see if i end up lingering over,
bored, in between class times this semester.
i will keep writing for always,
but i just don't feel like putting it out there anymore,
or here rather.
i'm tired of the computer.
it's time to cut the shit, i think.
the internet is so full of people now;
every time i come on to do anything i'm just reminded of how lonely life can be.
i feel like i'm at an awkward, clicky party and i only kinda know a few people from contrasting circles,
like my ride wants to stay,
but i'd really rather get the fuck home and go to bed.
i'm happy everyone else is happy with this great internet party,
and to be perfectly honest, it's pretty neat stuff,
i would just rather not do it anymore.
i'm sure i'll pop in on occasion,
but i'm definitely through trying to get in touch with the world through this shitty fucking screen.
i don't need this garbage or these people.
in about a year and a half i graduate, without debt,
my car will be paid off,
and i will be at zero.
i may never be heard from again, after that...

stay gold, don't get caught up in the hustle,
and love lots, but only if you really mean it.

2009-08-01T23:01:00.000-07:00

tonight,
i begin my writing without having anything to talk about.
i am in an unusual state i suppose,
because all the things i could discuss i don't really care about.
i am shrouded in indifference.

i guess i'm pretty excited about some of the new songs i've been writing.
i kinda had a breakthrough song the other day,
and everything's been settling nicely since.

i'm busy.
you're busy.
but i'd really like to see you soon.
let's make it happen.

"used ta be a spaniard en huevos, used ta be nava-joe, used ta be mexicane, used ta be i don't know..."

2009-07-24T22:43:00.000-07:00

damn, i wish i knew magic.
then i could satisfy everyone around me and be where i wanna be: gone.

the contradiction ensues as lines between work and play fade.
sometimes friendships just seem so temporary...

2009-07-20T21:57:00.000-07:00

"and i'm all alone, but not for the last time, and maybe next time i'll understand,
and i'm all alone, but not for the last time, and maybe next time, i'll understand;
maybe i need to try..."

holy throwback!

idle hands are the devil's playthings.
give em something constructive to do please.
i think i'm gonna start sanding the deck by hand,
for philosophical reasons.
then, back to recording.
fuck me, fuck it all, let's just put it all out there.
goodnight...

2009-07-18T20:06:00.000-07:00

positivity.
optimism.
the brighter side;
see it, be it.
i just need to see the good in things.

don't make nothing into something.
why act? it's not what you want.
find the happiness in solidarity,
get rid of the feeling before someone gets hurt,
take your lashings with a smile,
and move onto the next town.

this is your way,
do your time and leave humbly, and happily.
do not pretend like you're a fixture...

2009-07-17T23:47:00.000-07:00

it's about 3 in the morning, and i can't sleep.
i've been up all night understanding what i can of lauryn hill and the subsequent ms. hill.
a youngster filled with talent and dreams turned off by the fame she sought, then made to look crazy when she rejected it.
an artist forced into the role of innovator, then criticized for her ideas;
be yourself, be original, but not too original, not too yourself.

maybe music just isn't meant to be sold?
everyday i feel closer and closer to that point.

she was simply too ahead of her time.
music and art should be for one's self first, above all else.
i feel this change happening, if not in the world, in me.

they call you a religious fanatic now;
too out there to function.
truth be told, you're only too out there for them to sell.
though you'll never read this,
i hope you can feel it enough you're in the right.
bravo, lauryn,
and thanks for the lesson, ms. hill...

2009-07-16T20:58:00.000-07:00

tonight at work,
jose was talking about this woman who's all about him,
the other day junior was talking about how these two chicks were fighting over him,
people constantly feel the need to inform me about how their "dicks are getting wet,"
and if they aren't, then they're asking me for relationship advice, like i know how to solve their problems, like i'm fucking dr. phil.
i'm tired of my daily conversations at work, i feel out of place.
about three years later, sex is foreign ground and, in all honesty, i'm about over it.
i'm 20 years old and i'm throwing' in the towel on the whole fucking game, it's just not worth it to me.
all the time i hear, "dude, i need to get laid."
fucking wonderful, keep it to yourself, it's not something i want to hear about, i don't care.
even stupid casual little things like, "have you been seeing anyone lately?" ticks me off.
what's it to you? why do you wanna know?
even my fucking mom; "who are you texting? some girl wants you to go hang out with them?"
no mom, shut the fuck up.
it's fucking everywhere, i can't escape.
i feel smothered.
even when girls show interest in me i get pissed.
i get pissed at myself when i'm horny.
i hate porn, it's just depressing to me at this point;
it's an unfortunate necessity that helps me keep control of my body.
i don't want any of this.
i want to live without any sexual innuendo at all, whether straight, gay, or otherwise.
i just want to be free from that pressure,
and to live my life with a child's heart till i die.
i'd rather be out scraping my knees for myself,
than wasting my time trying to make anyone feel good in the bedroom.
i mean, for what?
for conquest? to leave my mark?
it's not like i'd gain anything more than a few minutes of pleasure,
and that's just being real.
i don't like sex, it makes me feel like shit.
now, i'm pissed, and i'm done talking about this.

"i move too slow and i think too fast,
and the first rainbow i see will be the last..."

2009-07-06T20:57:00.000-07:00

it's not that i couldn't live without it, i could,
i just wouldn't feel as good as i could with it.
love is a drug;
there has to be a healthy alternative...

2009-06-30T22:00:00.000-07:00

"i'm too involved now. you jump, i jump. i can't turn without knowing you're alright."

yes, i just quoted TITANIC in my blog, deal.
this movie is really good.
i had forgotten everything about it...

2009-06-26T01:54:00.000-07:00

go, slow children!

this is how we play?
grown and gorging.
floating from cloud to cloud,
friend to friend, we're clinging company.
and at days end, the music drives us home and puts us to bed.

we are the passing moments, never wasted on preparation...

2009-06-22T22:52:00.000-07:00

i like throwing my voice.
i don't like tuning guitars.
i like fantastic recordings.
songs aren't recordings or sheet music.

let's play...

2009-06-21T23:19:00.000-07:00

i'm tired.
i just got home from working a 16 hour day.
no, i'm not joking.
the funniest part: tomorrow, i apply for a second job.

i think i need the work and the stress it forces me to endure,
for whatever reason.
maybe it's my excuse.
maybe it's my ticket away from the meaningful social interactions i choose avoid in my life.
despite all my antics and social capabilities,
i think i embody more of a loner persona.

when i was about 10,
i spent the majority of my time alone in my room,
listening to my radio, dancing and singing by myself in front of my mirror, and creating fantastic worlds and stories either on paper or with my action figures.
usually characters had to prove themselves to each other before defeating a greater enemy.
i remember death always playing a major role too.

i had a childhood friend that i used to play with,
where we used to do kinda the same thing,
except we would act it out ourselves...
...i always made myself die.
she used to come up with ways to revive me so that we could keep playing,
but i always insisted that once you were dead you couldn't come back to life.
she hated that game, oddly enough i loved it...

2009-06-14T10:30:00.000-07:00

200 posts!

anyways,
i was listening to old recordings of myself today which,
after having just finished recording some new stuff,
gave me an interesting sort of perspective.
i've come a long way, and yet,
i haven't come that far at all.
it's seems odd but entirely correct.

all i wanna do now is record.
i need to focus,
but i can't focus too much or other wise it'll wear into the music.
i fucking hate balance.

"funny the way it is, be it right or wrong,
one person's broken heart is another one's favorite song..."

2009-05-26T19:06:00.000-07:00

sunlight breaks through my window pane,
and the shadows look like bars of a prison.
i'm inspired by the view, but the sun is impossible to get to,
funny it's impossible for anyone to survive without it.
so i'm sitting in my room with the sunshine slowly gaining ground,
till it creeps up my wall and finds its way to my doorknob.
i can't help but turn away because though the sun wants me to come out and play,
i'm still worn and exhausted from the last time i had to watch it set.
i think of how i'm inspired by the view in the privacy of my own room,
and then i shout it to the world leaning out of my window,
but i dare not go outside for fear another sun may come to rise,
and set again; they all just rise and set.
i think i'd rather stay inside, stay inspired by my rise,
and not get too caught up in anymore suns without my window.
in good time, all suns will surely fade and when they do i'd like to say,
that i had one sunrise until it set...

2009-05-21T19:04:00.000-07:00

today was kinda an intense day in many respects.
first things first, my family and i were heroes.
we leave virginia tomorrow,
but today we went rafting.
they were just level 1 rapids,
but there were points where shit went a little a-wall.
an older couple, who were in the same sort of group as us but were in a canoe,
ran into some trouble, flipped their canoe, and got sent down the river.
the woman was finally able to grab a rock near the very end of the rapids,
her husband was able to hold himself for a while, but he had lost his shoes and was hurting his feet on the rocks.
our raft grabbed what we could of their stuff floating down the river,
then grabbed onto the coast so that we could help.
my mom, being my mom, jumped right in to help the woman,
but the woman was very scared and my mom had her own issues with the rapids,
so i jumped in and swam out next.
i lodged myself in the rocks so that i was stable and i talked her into letting go and grabbing my hand.
then i used her life vest and dragged her to our raft.
next, i went to the man who was stuck himself and brought him to the raft because his feet were cut and he was exhausted.
my brother and i took their canoe and they got in our raft with our mom and dad.
i guess i was kinda a hero.
i didn't really think so, but people kept saying that.
the woman said, "thank you so much, i'll never forget your face."
it was an odd experience.

then, i went back to the condo and watched benjamin button,
a movie about life and reflection.
needless to say my head is kinda all over the place.

i took a bath after the movie.
i always think most intensely in the water.
sometimes i think i was meant to be a fish, or maybe a whale.
i like to think that if i was a whale,
i would be able to think more clearly and ferociously.
there's a certain peace about water that i don't find anywhere else.

the one regret i have about living in new england is that i could've been a different kind of person on a warm beach.
i love snorkeling and scuba diving.
i love surfing and wake boarding.
i love boating and being on the water.
i could do that stuff.
i would've been a different person if i could've been exposed to these things earlier.
that's my one regret about living in new england.

i'm a peculiar man when it comes to love.
i love most people, or at least like them,
but i have the hardest time being in love.
i just don't get it.
how should i feel right now?
how can i love you?
how am i supposed to love anyone and be true to the promises i've made to myself?

by most standards, i have time,
but by mine, i don't.
how long am i even gonna be here?
i've been told i'm the type of person who could just disappear,
and admittedly i am,
and admittedly i will someday.
in the most optimistic sense possible,
maybe some people just aren't meant to love.
maybe i'm supposed to do other things.

"and like i knew i would be,
i was meant to go on my way..."

2009-05-16T01:50:00.000-07:00

"warn the town, the beast is loose..."

in virginia now, soon to be "running" race with cousins.
the race is called "girls on the run."
i'm mildly out of place, but i'm over it.
they love me, it'll be fun.

then on to mass-a-nuttin.
obviously not how it is spelled,
but regardless, it sounds like the perfect place to vacay and clear my head for recording.
brainstormed yesterday and came up with almost 50 songs that we've written and worked on since starting the band.
it seems a little ridiculous, but i like the idea of having an obscene back catalogue so that i can pick and choose.
i want to finish songs this week.
i want to organize songs.
i want to practice songs.
this week should be good.

"ready or not, here i come, you can't hide,
gonna find you and take it slowly..."

2009-05-12T22:36:00.000-07:00

i'm officially done with the semester today.
it's kind of a surreal feeling after all that's happened this semester and school year;
i've been through a whole lot of everything.
whoa, what a heavy soak-in.

anyways,
the bruins won,
the celtics won,
the red sox won,
i'm very happy.

and then i come down and think.
"i'm thinkin', i'm thinkin', i'm thinkin'..."
yes indeed, this could be awhile.

i've been blown away lately by my ability to confidently step out of my safety zone in all things but one,
and there, i cling for dear life.
i'm willing to talk to anyone who's anyone,
but i need you to talk to me.
this is one conversation that i'd rather not initiate.
take your time,
figure out what you want to say or ask or whatever,
i am totally open at this point.
i just need you to initiate,
because, right now, i will not...

2009-05-05T20:08:00.000-07:00

i wish things were easier, and yet i simultaneously wish they were harder. how is it that two, if not thousands, of people can be doing the exact same thing and only some are recognized? i move quickly from inspired to hopeless, too quickly. today i sat around all lame and stupid like. i was tired from my last all-nighter of the semester, but i really hate excuses. parties happened, i didn't go, i didn't want to go. i rarely want to go to parties anymore. man, i wish i had my own place, some place that could just be mine, where i could be me always, where i could find me. who am i? i'm just under 6'2''. my weight changes drastically between meals. my shoe size is somewhere between 13 and 15 depending on the shoe brand and style. sometimes i tell people my feet are two different sizes; this is not medically confirmed, but they definitely rest differently and i'm pretty sure that effects their actual size measurements. i feel bad when i talk about things like this because the way i talk lends to my speaking in definitiveness and brushing over details like this for convenience; i feel like i'm lying a lot when in reality i'm just brushing over things for the sake of conversation. i like the idea of fierce conversations, but i don't think that i could realistically do it all the time. i wonder if the woman who wrote that article only has fierce conversations. how exhausting. i kinda had a little school boy crush on my human comm teacher this semester. she's kinda goofy and bubbly, but honest and vulnerable. there would be times in class where she would just say something totally heartfelt and honest and i couldn't help but think, "holy crap, i love you." i guess that's just how i am. that sort of thing can make me fall in love with a person in a second. i feel the same way with a lot of people. something gets said or done and i just fall in love, maybe for a minute, maybe for a day, maybe for a couple of days or longer; i just develop these crushes. then i work myself up and start thinking about love and its place in my life. whether i deserve it or not, whether everyone deserves it or not. this semester, the idea popped in my head that maybe i could just love everybody without being loved at all. i think it popped in there, because that's kinda where i feel i'm at most of the time. i don't know how i feel about the reality of it, but i do love the concept, to think that a person could give themselves wholly to everyone, and accept nothing in return. there are flaws, holes in the idea, but i'm not really setting out to explore the holes. i'm just rambling. my paper on british rock in the seventies sucks, i felt bad turning it in. i know i could've done a better one under different circumstances, but the circumstances were a result of my own foolish negligence. maybe i put too much on my plate, maybe i need the stress, maybe the way i was raised puts me at a disadvantage, maybe at an advantage. i both love and hate thinking about my childhood and its long term effects on me as an adult. i have issues, i've talked about them here. i like to justify things and try to find some sort of explanation or reasoning behind things, that's the only sense of scientific logic that i have. my eyes hurt. i've been up and down, up and down too much today. i'm tired of computers, i wasn't going to go on one again today after last night, but i had communicative urges that needed to be relieved. i keep rubbing my face. thank you for your time...

2009-05-02T23:33:00.000-07:00

just saw the new wolverine movie.
as a movie-watcher: good.
as a wolverine fan: eh, ok.
as a marvel comic fan: disappointing and unacceptable.
i really hate how hollywood finds the shittiest ways to destroy great things sometimes.

this lends to a semi-new installment:
i don't know if i'm ever gonna "make it,"
because i don't know if i really want to.
this idea is still a work in progress;
we'll see what happens...

2009-05-01T05:43:00.000-07:00

so, i'm pretty positive my computer class isn't gonna fly.

maybe if i ace the final,

otherwise it may be a lost cause.

i fucking hate that shit.

i'm so bad with computers (says online blogger?)

yes, i am fucking awful.

i speak the lingo.

i can't write programs or break them down.

i just fucking suck at computers.

it sucks too, because i actually think i might have learned a decent amount of stuff,

i clearly just haven't learned enough to qualify passing the course.

shows you how incredibly incompetent i was when this fucking class started.

... anger!

anyways, i'm almost there.

homestretch, end of the rainbow, whatever you want to fucking call it.

wow, lots of fucks...

i guess, it's just a fuck kinda day.

fuck...

2009-04-27T08:36:00.000-07:00

i'm so tired, i'm shaking.
one more presentation today, then work,
then more lame.
it's all lame, poop.
i'm gonna nap now,
i hope hollis can find and wake me up before we present.
that'd be nice.

2009-04-23T02:18:00.000-07:00

ok, so today i woke up so early that my little cat remy got up all tired eyed and said,
"what the fuck are you doing up so early?! ...you're a fucking a-hole."
it was pretty funny.
welcome to final weeks with tony, rem.

anyways,
i think 4 is a better time to wake up.
i may begin to make a habit of waking up at 4 every morning.
early to bed, early to rise, and all that jazz.
i just want to do things.
but once again,
here i am not doing the work i should be.
fuck it,
i think this is a vital part of me getting my work done.
kinda like how i have to clean my room before i can do anything;
i'm just cleaning real quick.

"you gotta getchyo life o-ganized, man..."

2009-04-22T07:57:00.001-07:00

"i've got style for miles and miles, so much style and it's wasted..."

listening to stravinsky,
trying to do some homework.

today, i constructed THE LIST;
the list of things i have to do before the semester is up.
then i proceeded to stare at it for 10 minutes,
overwhelmed by the single notebook page of assignments numbered 1-23.
some of them are revisions and final copys,
but most are less than zero as of now.
fuck.
12 page research paper.
complete revision and portfolio set-up of everything i've done this semester.
presentation for symphony worth 1 exam grade + the final.
transcript project worth 25% of final grade.
everything for FW.
fuck.

my voice is leaving me,
permanently.
i can't hold notes as well as i used to.
i knew it would fade at some point,
didn't think it'd be this soon.
the resulting from years of strain and yelling when i was much younger and much stupider.
things need to change.
i'm working on it,
doing well so far.

alright, enough of this tomfoolery.
time to work,
but i'm hungry...

2009-04-20T21:38:00.000-07:00

i'll probably crack at some point,
but at least it's a change, even for just a while;
i need that.
lately, i've been starving for some privacy.
i just want to be alone for a while,
but i can't tell anybody that without it being a big fucking thing;
i'm already gonna get shit for quitting "the party scene."
i think one thing that people don't understand about me is that i don't like to be defined by anything or anyone but me,
and if that means quitting something i enjoy, i'll do it,
and if that means cutting ties with people i love for awhile, so be it.
i know i can handle myself under any situation,
i've done it before and i'll do it again,
i've come to terms with more pressing matters than loneliness and addiction,
so i say, "bring it."
i only worry about those who can't handle themselves without me,
those who crack under pressure and need constant support.
that's why i get so upset with my oldest friend,
somewhere along the line, she developed a need for constant love and approval,
the sort of love and approval that i can't always give to her anymore.
maybe i've been too harsh lately,
but i have seen both sides to this story and my conclusion is this:
nobody is right, nobody is satisfied,
and in knowing this, the window of opportunity is opened.
nothing i ever do will be right,
i will never be satisfied,
so i can do whatever i want without any need for justification or satisfaction,
and i can do more and i can do better when i'm not in a coma.
i just have so much i want to do before i disappear.
i've got to get going before i get gone...

2009-04-13T08:27:00.000-07:00

school is kooky, but i do like it.
the narcissism that takes place on this blog is unmatched,
but i think if there was ever a place for narcissism,
here would be it.
it's not like i force anybody to read about me,
i just write it and present the option.
it's natural to want to talk about yourself,
i mean, it's in textbooks.

conclusion:
i am a non-competitive conversational narcissist.
meaning that i get so excited when in conversation that i can't help but talk about myself for the sake of the conversation,
without any intent to dominate others.
ladies and gentlemen,
this is the scholarly way of saying that i'm a jabber-jaw.
WOO-HOO!
glad to see my college fees are being well spent.
hey mom, guess what i learned in school today...

2009-04-12T19:44:00.000-07:00

i'm beginning to understand the method to my madness,
but now i'm worried i can't handle the applause.
well,
not so much the applause,
that's just what popped into my head,
so i had to write it right now.
i'm kind of a clown.
i don't do awkward very well,
or maybe i do it perfectly well and that's why i'm a clown?
i don't know but i'll tell you one thing:
i had a ball the other night.
could it have been better?
possibly, but if i based my life around "coulds,"
i'd miss all the great stuff that actually happens.
though, "coulds" are nice to think about sometimes,
as in goals or opportunities that won't be passed up in the future.
i do like those "coulds"...

2009-04-07T20:57:00.000-07:00

so i'm climbing this mountain.
one would assume that i'm looking up towards the top at all times,
but the truth is that i'm not really looking anywhere most of the time.
sometimes i look up, but not often.
i keep moving up, i'm just not looking that way.
i try to stop whenever i can because it gives me a chance to look back at how far i've come.
i can look back and see the difficult spots in my trail and the fun easy spots.
some spots bend in such a way that i can't see them at all.
i wonder how i've gotten so far.
i notice cuts and bruises i didn't realize i had.
i pick myself up and continue on.

i've been having crazy mood swings lately.
i go from anger and frustration to laughing hysterically in 2.5,
and then i just get so sad.
i think i've cried more lately than i ever have in the past.
it just hits me sometimes.
i get so exhausted.

i hate when my mom says she's proud of me,
and i hate when people say they're impressed with all of the things i do,
or worse yet the "confidence" and "skill" i have.
you don't see me when i breakdown to nothing in my car.
you don't know the destruction going on inside my head.

the other day i had to leave school because i could feel a bad cry coming on.
i balled all the way from school to home over nothing.
my mom was home, i couldn't stop crying.
we talked, she cried.
i hate making my mom cry for any reason.
she has enough to deal with without my blubbering.
i'm in a bad way all the time and i'm tired of it.

"he wears his passion like a thorny crown..."

2009-04-04T19:37:00.000-07:00

i'm cutting back.
no more delay, i just want to do things.
i want to play music.
i want to record music.
i want to paint.
i want to do well in school and graduate.
i want ATO Records.

i don't want to waste all of my money on distractions.
i don't want to party all the time, just because.
i don't want to ever lose my voice.

my voice is my life.
without it, i'm nothing.
right now, all of my stock is in my voice,
and yet, i continue to buy from the competitor.

a permanent loss of my voice is a very possible reality.
i'm fucking around to the danger point,
i need to stop.
it's scary.
what would i do if i couldn't sing?
regardless of whether i can develop a music career or not,
how could i live without singing?
this is my livelihood.

"i coulda run for president, i coulda run for congress,
i coulda run for president, but i'd rather sing songs with you..."

2009-03-23T21:58:00.000-07:00

MORTAL KOMBAT!
the realms are merging and i don't know how to take it.
all of a sudden i am hanging out with separate sets of friends together regularly.
my best friend is now "dating" my little sistah.
what the fuck?
i didn't see that one coming.
had i seen it, would i have tried to avoid or prevent it?
i don't know,
but it does get a little weird sometimes,
for me at least.

i've been drinking a lot of coffee lately.
i've been smoking fairly regularly.
i've been playing music a lot more.
i've been understanding my life-style more.

"and i wanna be somebody i wanna know..."

2009-03-17T09:17:00.000-07:00

i can do whatever i want.
someday i will.
i'm gonna finish this scholarly path in about a year,
and then, it's straight to the nonsense.
i think i'd like to make a career out of nonsense.
next time someone asks me what my track is,
i'm going to answer:
nonsense...

2009-03-15T06:29:00.000-07:00

hot water.

maybe i like it, doc.
maybe i like tearing myself down.

i wish my head was softer so that when i pushed my fists against both sides it would pop like a grape, or a zit, or a balloon.
that's how i feel right now,
somewhere between a grape, a zit, and a balloon.

i have such a hard time letting go of some things.
curiosity kills me.
i need to measure and i hate it...

2009-03-11T07:57:00.000-07:00

update:

the guy got back to me.
doesn't sound like he's gonna be working with them.
doesn't sound like they're gonna find a new singer any time soon.

while it was on my mind,
i checked out their stuff on backroom studios site.
for what it was,
i actually don't think it was that bad.
in fact,
i think the singer they had was good,
and sepe sounded fine,
but there were some clear mistakes on the paolilli end of things.
typical i suppose.

it may make me kind of a vengeful ass hole,
but i'm in a good mood right now.
what goes around comes around i guess.
the paolillis are just so hard to work with.
what a shame,
so much talent and no one to work with.
i really do wish them the best,
but right now,
i'm kinda glad they're having trouble,
especially since my band is clicking better than ever...

2009-03-10T09:39:00.000-07:00

yesterday, i received a myspace message from some dude i didn't know who was thinking about singing with the outside inn and wanted to know if i could give him a heads up on what it was like working with them. i sent him the following:

"if i'm getting a message like this, i'm assuming things didn't work out with their last singer, dan, either. that's a shame.

anyways, i haven't been in that band or even talked to those guys in forever, so things may be totally different now, but this is what i can tell you from what i knew then...
the first thing you should know when working with the outside inn is that "john is always right." he was my best friend for a long time until we started disagreeing about things. in retrospect, i think the last few months i was with the band i wasn't even really into his music anymore, but i stuck around because i didn't want to lose his friendship.

secondly, sepe is awesome. he is a total goofball and should you work with the outside inn, and should john and nick (nick's a lazy, uninspired root note bassist for john) get on your nerves, sepe will make things much easier to deal with. sepe is a positive in the outside inn.
next, you should be aware that they want to play hair metal, but they're not a hair metal band. they want to say "party all the time" and "we love chicks and bikes" or something like that, but they are not like that. the idea is appealing (it had me for a while), but the truth is that they just are not those people. they aren't very honest with themselves about that sort of stuff, and it kinda makes them seem like more of a joke band then something real or worth paying attention to.

finally, why and how i got kicked out. in short, business got in the way of the music and we didn't have the communication skills to work out our differences. unless i'm mistaken, they still play shows at our old high school despite the fact that they are almost done with college. i wasn't down, they got super-pissed, all of a sudden john's handing me a contract saying that i'm out of the band and i don't own any of the material i'd contributed to the band. we worked through this, played a couple more awful, unresearched gigs on john's part, and then we kinda went on a little break to cool down. one day, i go to try and log into our myspace and the password is changed. i check the page and my name is gone from the band members list and all of my pictures are deleted. i tried to contact the band to see what was up and got no reply from anyone but sepe who didn't know what was going on. i then went down to my basement, where we practiced, to find that all of the band money was taken without myself getting any cut, and worse yet, my $400 dollar drum mics which i'd payed for more than half of by myself were gone. i have no proof that they stole these things, but the possibility that i just lost these things that sit in my basement, that nobody but them and myself knew about, is kinda hard to believe.

haha, wow, sorry i wrote you a book man, but you asked. have fun working with those guys. i wish you and them the best of luck. also, if you end up working with them, maybe drop me a line and let me know if anything i said still checks out. it'd be fun to hear what they're like now.

later,
tony"

yea, that's right.
i wrote all of that to some person i don't even know.
poor guy,
i'm glad he asked though because i found it very personally theraputic.
i mean, think about it,
how often does one have the chance to speak directly to someone they don't know and get some serious baggage off of their chest?
thanks dude, sorry, but thanks.

anyways,
i just happen to be listening to "oh, it is love" by hellogoodbye.
it's a great song, a happy song.
yesterday was emotionally exhausting.
sometimes i get so stressed out.
i feel like people want me to be the one that gets things going when i'm not really that guy.
i'm not jesus.
i'm not superman.
i'm not freddie mercury, david bowie, or sting.

i'm not a front-man, i'm a noise guy.
i'm a panda bear and i'm not gay.

i understand how ridiculous that sounds,
but trust me, it's just something i needed to get off my chest.
yesterday was emotionally exhausting,
but i'm glad it happened...

2009-03-05T10:14:00.000-08:00

today,
i'm all over the place.

it's warm(er), sunny,
i'm having a genuinely good day and yet,
i feel kinda down about things.
i think it's one of those days where i actually understand what i want to do but don't want to do it for fear of what might happen if i do;
i'm just trying to weigh the pros and cons.
i don't know who to talk to,
that choice alone could effect how everything goes down,
so, i wait.

i'm just tired of sharing,
does that make me selfish?

2009-03-03T08:35:00.000-08:00

i may have talked about this before,
but it's on my mind now so i'd like to talk about it anyways.

i went to high school with this girl who's name i cannot remember,
in fact, i'm sure there are probably very few that remember her name from high school because she was not a known person at all.
she was fat, had glasses, acne, and a thick moustache for a girl.
she wore a lot of gray, a goofy "un-hip" coat all the time, and smelt awful.
she didn't have many friends,
partially due to her "shortcomings,"
but also because she was just kinda mean.
(though i can't really hold that against her, she was probably picked on a lot growing up)
i don't say this to be cruel at all,
i say this to paint a picture of what she was so i can tell you what she's become.

please, keep in mind that i don't really even know this girl or how she feels about her current situation, or even her past situation for that matter, i'm just an observer who saw her in high school and sees her occasionally now at FSC, where we both attend college.

she's thinner... a lot thinner.
i don't know how (surgery or otherwise),
but this girl, who used to be pretty large, is now rail thin,
so much so that she looks unhealthy,
like the crypt keeper,
and she's paler too.
no more acne so much, but she is so pale.
she looks like a strong wind would blow her over.
she appears to keep the moustache in check.
same glasses, different style clothes.
haven't had any classes with her in college,
so she could still smell but i haven't been around her that much to really tell.
i doubt it though, because i see her with people regularly.
she appears to be doing alright socially,
but she just looks so sick now.
from a health standpoint,
i'd say she's clearly unhealthy,
if not all together sick.

when i see her,
i wish i could go up to her and ask if it was worth it.
this girl clearly has put herself through some kind of physical episode to help her social situation,
i just wish i could ask her if it was worth it.
or maybe just if she's happy.

i wonder what people see in me now.
how have i changed?
am i drastically different physically or totally the same?
what does this tell people about who i am now as opposed to who i was then?
have i improved or gotten worse?
every now and then i see people i haven't seen in awhile,
what they're like and where they're at,
and it makes me think about what i'm like and where i'm at.

i don't mean to judge this girl,
like i said, i don't even know how she is,
she could be loving life for all i know.
i just mention it because i see her and i wonder about me.
how has my life progressed in relation to all of the people i used to know?
where am i at?
i think it might be easier to figure out where i was going if i knew where i was at now.
as for that,
i have no fucking clue...

2009-03-02T06:49:00.000-08:00

"it is not so much our friends' help that helps us as the confident knowledge that they will help us." - Epicurus

i had no work yesterday.
i spent most of the day hanging out with friends;
playing music, cruising to sweet jams, drinking jamocha shakes.
yesterday = success.

today, it's a snow day and again i have no work.
bound to be yet another successful day,
i am satisfied...

2009-02-24T08:06:00.000-08:00

i have a friend here at school who is gorgeous.
she's smart, she's funny, i smile every time i see her,
she's just an awesome person.
since i met her,
i've wanted go out with her.
there's been a few instances where i may have had an opportunity to ask her,
but i have not.
she's not even that far out of my league,
but i have not.

for the longest time,
i've wished that she would want to go out with me,
but today,
i came to the conclusion that i don't want that.
not because i like her less or i think she's worth any less than she was before,
i just don't think i'm the right guy right now.

then i started thinking bigger.
she's not the only girl that i feel strongly for,
there are a few, not a lot, but a few,
and i just don't think i'm the right guy right now.
i'm not the courting guy,
i'm not the guy who gets the chicks,
i'm certainly not any kind of mr. right,
i'm just not that guy right now.
someday for someone, maybe,
but right now,
i'm just not him.

it's hard being alone sometimes,
but i think i'm finally over it.

someday though,
even if only for a couple moments,
i will be that guy.
i'll start the conversation,
i'll go on the date,
i'll make the move,
someday, for someone.
but not today,
and not tomorrow,
and probably not in the very near future,
but someday,
and today, i'm ok with that...

2009-02-19T08:22:00.000-08:00

sitting by myself,
my newsual spot on the fourth floor.
i'm running out of floors.
holding onto this table for dear life while i type;
typing what i hope doesn't come out as too heavy.
i'm tired of heavy.

the days are long,
the nights are hard,
bedtime is always lonely,
and mirrors are starting to bother me.

yesterday, a friend i haven't seen in a while visited me at work.
she's awesome, the type of person you're glad to know.
i realized that i have moved a lot in my life.
made friends and split, never to see them again.
i do that,
connect with people, let it be what it is, and then leave.

i thought of my dad.
he had a lot of friends from school and growing up that he just doesn't see or talk to anymore.
he doesn't keep in touch with anyone.
he's quiet about things like that,
not that he's a really quiet person,
but he just lets things be.

my dad likes to wander.
in hawaii, when we just got in, all jet-lagged and tired,
he wandered around town while we all slept it off.
he just likes to mosey.
he checks things out, acknowledges their existence, and walks right by.
what a nutty guy.
it makes me smile thinking about him just checking things out.
he's funny.

my mom loves him.
i don't know why exactly, but i know she does.
she gets so upset with him,
but i know there's love behind it all.

i wish i could've seen them fall in love.
what they were doing, what they were like.
i know minor details, but that's it.
i bet my mom was so beautiful when she was in love.
i would've loved to see them wake up and not be able to take it until they saw each other.
they were so young.

i'm a wreck.
i'm sitting here almost crying at my laptop in the middle of the school library.
i just want to fall in love...

is that too much to ask?

2009-02-16T21:01:00.000-08:00

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.
it shouldn't be about me,
and yet it always ends up that way.

i kinda want to live through a horrific accident,
i think i might appreciate life more.

"and as i drift off and flow with the sea,
i hope that your gods and your heroes protect me,
through all of my weary and troubled times..."

2009-02-12T01:47:00.000-08:00

i don't generally post pages of links,
but i've come across some really awesome stuff lately.

http://www.myspace.com/danauerbachmusic

http://www.myspace.com/frankturner

http://www.myspace.com/flynnadam

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ba0-ctqzRsg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=txqiwrbYGrs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=70r-Ca8wcVg

http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1892014

i'll leave it at that. enjoy...

2009-02-05T09:11:00.000-08:00

www.myspace.com/robertpattzmusickristen

listen to "i was broken."
rob pattinson kinda surprised me a little bit.
i don't know whether i feel sad, happy, or just inspired right now.
great song...

2009-02-04T08:53:00.000-08:00

i assume too much.
i hate doing more than i have to for school projects,
ugh, how annoying.
however, i did learn from it and,
despite my current state of hunger and exhaust,
i do think it was beneficial on a me level.

i'm so tired.
sleep is so lame.
i wish i didn't need it.
there's so much that i want to do,
sleep is such a speed bump.

i'm having withdrawal from my guitar,
i haven't played in like 3 days which pisses me off.
all i really wanna do is play music.
hopefully, all this college nonsense will enable me to take my music to levels that i wouldn't be able to get to without it;
that's what i'm hoping for.
i've been listening to a lot of sweet and different music though,
when i'm doing stupid things like this.
i've been trying to learn.
i like to be a student of music.
i never really got into playing other peoples songs,
but i think i might want to try.
i really want to be good at music.
there isn't much i want,
but i wish i had that.
by good, i mean good to my own ears,
people will always be critical,
i just want to be able to make the music that i love,
for me...

2009-02-02T08:56:00.000-08:00

it has recently been brought to my attention that people have auras.
i think i already knew this, but never really thought about it in depth till now.
it's also been brought to my attention that people tend to acknowledge that i for whatever reason have a "good" aura,
of course the only people who i've really talked to about it are people that already liked me, at least for the most part, so i suppose my studies are inconclusive.

i just like thinking about the idea of having an aura,
some sort of color or feeling that one exudes to affect everything around them.
i understand good and bad auras, as it's been put to me,
but i'd rather not think of auras as good or bad;
auras are just auras.
i think all auras are good and bad,
it's just a matter of seeing them in a way that can be understood most intentionally.

i know some people with really fantastic auras,
and these aren't necessarily all of my best friends or even people i enjoy hanging out with,
just people that have incredible auras,
really, it's hard to describe.
for example,
i know some people who i would describe as having a blue or sad aura,
which by social standards seems pretty traditional, as far as auras go,
but i know other people who i would say have a more smooth aura,
not necessarily a color or feeling, but just a resounding flow that they send out in waves to all things around them.
it's hard to describe,
frankly, i don't think any description could really do the concept justice,
but if one pays attention to things while they're happening,
and then ponders them on their own time,
auras are a truly beautiful idea.

i wish i could see my own aura,
then perhaps i could describe it in my own terms and understand myself just that much more.
to be aware and understanding of auras has unofficially become a goal of mine.
i want to feel for and understand everybody,
and i want everybody to feel for and understand me.

i like classical music, it's official.
i wonder if by my end there will be anything i don't like...

2009-01-29T09:02:00.000-08:00

"Yeah, I am sick and tired of people who are living on the B-list.
Yeah, they're waiting to be famous,
and they're wondering why they do this.
And I know I'm not the one who is habitually optimistic,
But I'm the one who's got the microphone here so just remember this:
Yeah, well life is about love, lost minutes and lost evening,
About fire in our bellies and about furtive little feelings,
And the aching amplitudes that set our needles all a-flickering,
And they help us with remembering that the only thing that’s left to do is live.

After all of the loving and losing, after all the heroes and the pioneers,
The only thing that's left to do is get another round in at the bar..."

"and i'm definitely going to hell,
but i'll have all the best stories to tell..."

i think i'm in love with frank turner...

2009-01-29T08:39:00.000-08:00

parents fighting = lame headaches
first class: fail.
"eat my lunch in my car."
(with 3 cops circling parking lot, i might add.)
just makes the day so much lighter.

"and i won't sit down,
and i shut up, but most of all,
i will not grow up..."

i was so angry.
this next class is going to be exhausting.
i think i'll color...

2009-01-27T08:18:00.000-08:00

lately, i've become more aware of my being and it's kinda freaking me out.
sometimes i just stop and listen and stare and all of a sudden things get distorted.
i don't know whether they seem more real to me or more fake to me,
but i know that things definitely become more apparent to me.
sometimes i can't believe i'm living;
like i'm here and things are happening.
it's overwhelming.
i start breathing real heavy sometimes,
like an asthma or panic attack,
but i'm fine and i know i'm fine,
so it stops.
sometimes too,
i see myself doing one thing and then acting out another,
stupid harmless things usually but different all the same.
for example,
walking between buildings on campus today,
i came across this tree with a mound of snow at it's base.
i saw myself whipping my bottle of water into the snow, kicking the tree trunk so it shook, then maybe trying to climb the tree just to see if i could, and laughing, lots of laughing.
in reality,
i walked right past it,
left only to wonder what it would have been like if i'd done what i'd envisioned.
would i have gotten in trouble?
would people have thought i was crazy?
would somebody have joined me?
did i just miss a chance to make a great friend?

"hold it high and hit it, you know i like it like that..."

2009-01-26T09:27:00.000-08:00

listen to:
"me gustas tu" by manu chao
"assouf" by tinariwen
and anything by flynn adams.

now that that's out of the way,
AAARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!
that was my virtual charlie brown "argh" of distress,
considerably less effective than the real thing.

i hate paying bills.
i owe.
i always owe.
it's tiring.
i'm gonna have to take out loans soon.
i can feel it.
i probably would've had to anyways,
but buying my amp didn't help the cause.
well,
i suppose it helped the me cause,
just not my financial cause.

"104" is great,
but how pathetic is it that i've had my BR for so long and only gone through that many tracks,
some of them just being garbage.
i need to focus.
there just aren't enough hours in a day,
and i can't even keep up with the hours i have.
blegh.

i've been keeping a visual journal for my graphics class and i really like it.
i think i might keep it up after the class is through.
it's just kinda fun.
it makes me simplify, which i like.

i'm spacing out,
half-napping,
i'm all messed up,
hence the "argh..."

2009-01-25T20:29:00.000-08:00

"there was an avalanche..."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
it goes;
smokey lids, kid chameleon.
moo-zach, heavy-head crayons.
brain in chest, dis place - stomach.
footloose-ish math for listening.
eyes mama love, m.g.m.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"distraction,
bare witness to fall of man,
we're making quite a little scene,
you'll never hear about it..."

i love art...

2009-01-23T08:05:00.000-08:00

i am naked.
i like being naked.
i kinda wish i could be naked more often.
i don't think i'd like to be a nudist though.
just naked for significant periods of time.
i like being naked by myself.
i don't think i'm comfortable enough with my body to get naked with a lot of people,
only a small group of people i trusted.
i bet if everyone was naked more often we'd trust each other more.
i like being naked...

2009-01-14T09:13:00.000-08:00

another semester at school,
another day in the library.
i didn't sleep much last night,
i'm already burning out,
and i still have one class to go.
lame,
but nessy's a doll face and i know it should be fine.

i'm going to the celtics game tonight!
that's exciting.
tonight they will get out of this little slump,
i've decided; it will be done.

i've been really impressed by the beastie boys lately,
for whatever reason.
just learning about them and where they came from and all the different sorts of things they've been involved in,
it's cool.
they put an instrumental album out recently,
just because they could.
i love it, that's so cool,
inspiring.
i just want to record,
i just want to play.

i'm listening to crazy techno right now.
fuck, i'm loopy...
"did it again__all messed up__..."

2009-01-13T13:08:00.000-08:00

"oh, i will keep goin', give 'em the big fat lip."

i can get down to anything,
so why do i need to get this amp?
because it represents a huge step in the right direction...

2009-01-11T09:08:00.000-08:00

family is comfort.
family is truth.
over this vacation,
because of my work schedule,
i've almost been forced to spend my free time with my family as opposed to my friends,
and while i really miss my friends,
i've enjoyed my time with family.

today we were talking about opening a family restaurant.
three of us already work in restaurants;
there's your kitchen manager, first cook, and experienced server.
lexi worked in a restaurant at one point,
and andrew, well he's really really good at "taste testing."
it'd be fun to have a family restaurant.
i suggested a characterized menu by our tastes:
mom - plain food
dad - interesting food
lexi - plain-interesting/average food
andrew - heart attack food
me - healthy food
it'd be fun.
live music, art on the wall, fun family atmosphere,
we'd have a sweet fuckin' restaurant;
something for everybody.

even when things get shitty elsewhere,
i'll always love my family...

2009-01-06T01:53:00.000-08:00

i want to be able to do handstands and back flips.
i wish i had balance and coordination.
i fall a lot.
i have to make time.

i feel like a twenty year-old boy.
i am so frightened of growing up.
i don't want to be old and tired.

i feel like my job is slowly sucking the life out of me.
i get my ass kicked all the time.
it's like one of those situations where you know you're getting screwed but you have to show up anyways.
i feel like a whore,
like i get paid a few bucks to get fucked daily.
i need to find a new job.
i'm alright with this one for now (ulterior motives),
but soon i want something new.
i'd really like to be my own boss,
i just don't know what i could do for people.

i think i might start dating.
i've never been good at formal sorts of things like that,
but i suppose it's the first step to the sort of relationship i'm looking for.
i've been single for so long,
i feel like i'm not good enough for anyone anymore,
like i stayed back a grade but am still trying to keep up with old friends.
and we're back at, "i feel like a twenty year-old boy."
i'm like the bench warmer who almost doesn't want to go in for fear he'll screw everything up and make a fool out of himself,
only this isn't a short sports game,
it's my life and i've been sitting on the bench for a long time...

2008-12-30T22:10:00.000-08:00

game on?

on this our last day of december,
i find my head in about the same place that many do around the holidays:
on the topic of love and relationships.

i love, i can love, i do love (i think),
and yet i'm apprehensive on all fronts.
i know i over think things,
some times for the better and some times for the worst,
but i hope i haven't over thought this too much,
i hope i haven't ruined my chances.

i don't want to be a totally lame,
it just comes out that way.

why is it that it always comes in such a rush for me?
most months..nothin'.
every third december..holy crappah.
actually, that's all entirely too accurate for my liking;
apparently, i'm only desirable for a short time in three year increments.
lame.

i feel torn between letting new things happen in my (lack of) love life,
or reviving the old things.
i want to move forward,
but should it not workout,
it would kill me to know that i blew my chance at something golden,
or worse yet, something i knew was golden all along.
i find myself stuttering every step in opposite directions,
not doing anything for fear of the choice.
i'm making excuses because i still can't let go.

i don't want to hurt anyone, myself included;
i don't want to hurt anymore.
i have a heavy heart.
i've come to terms with the fact that i may always carry it wherever i go,
in fact, i hope for it,
but i don't want to let it stop me anymore...

2008-12-21T23:08:00.000-08:00

am i at a loss and gaining,
or gaining from gained?
one step forward,
or a jump to the left?
motive takes stage and i wonder often, "why?"
discontent, even in my contentedness.

i am so full of questions about living and seeing,
and hearing and dancing,
and falling and bleeding.
i understand i need nothing,
yet still strive for more.
polymath desires in a world fighting sores,
from the boredom of focus we've come to pursue,
careers often no more then living lost time.
so, i take my questions merrily as something to do,
'cause i'd rather be mournful of thinking than never wonder, "why..."

2008-12-16T05:19:00.000-08:00

when it comes to writing papers,
i work best in crunch time.
now is that time.
i think i have more work to do in the next few days than i've ever had to do before.
this will truly be a test of my mental stamina when the game is on the line.

1. write marketing plan and executive summary by 12 today
2. research and write minimum 10 page paper, pre-titled: "when artists ruled the world"
3. write 3 b.s. articles for journalism, 1 interview, 1 review, and 1 opinion piece
4. revamp lackluster write-up for presentation thursday; kick presentation in the balls, get 4.0
5. study for music theory test; proceed to kicking it's balls as well
6. drive home, sleep till christmas

ready, set, go!
it's game time...

2008-12-11T08:10:00.000-08:00

woah man.
i just inadvertently ended up in some real nifty places on the internet.
i love seeing other peoples art in all forms.
that's what i want to do.
it starts real soon,
i think i'll call it 'the surge.'

anyways, check this ish out:

http://www.foreversometimes.com/

http://withoutyou88.blogspot.com/

i was gonna start painting.
i think my experiences today sealed the deal.
that pete wentz/travis mccoy stuff is real close to what i was thinking.
i like seeing other people on the same page as me.
i will start soon.
after this semester hump,
it's goin' down, no holds...

2008-12-10T06:26:00.000-08:00

"you have a good mind."

why do people tell me these things?
professors pull me aside to tell me things like this.
they all want me to change my major so that they could deal with me more.
classes stop to acknowledge me.
even classmates tell me they hope to take classes with me next semester.
i was second pick in a class of some very talented people.
why?
what do these people see?
i'm only an average student at best,
and yet people act like i'm something special.
i don't feel special,
i feel like i'm full of shit,
and i feel bad because these people buy it.
i understand concepts and i have basic communication skills.
half the time i don't even do my work.
i haven't really read a book since the second grade!
why am i special?
at what point did i become a scholar?
i'm on the dean's list for fuck's sake!
is the system really that flawed that someone as full of shit as i am can become a respected scholar?
why am i special?!
do i really understand that much more about things than people?
i don't think so.
i don't think i understand any more or less than anybody.
is it the thought process people are after?
do i really think that differently from most people?
am i just like a program?
an application that redirects it's users to all of the difficult to reach places of their minds?
is that my place?
how unfulfilling to be a go-fer.
so this is what life's like for a search engine...

2008-12-04T08:25:00.000-08:00

i wait for things to happen sometimes,
then when they do happen,
i'm disappointed.

i come to conclusions,
but hardly ever act on them.

my mom dropped out of high school,
then she got her GED.
she wants to be a teacher,
but i doubt she'll ever get there because of some poor financial decisions she's made.
she would be a great teacher,
but she'll never get her chance.
she's a career waitress.

when my dad graduated high school,
he wanted to go to college far away, in washington state i think.
he's very smart, he would've been accepted.
his dad, my papa, wouldn't help pay for it because it was too far away.
so he went to college in boston.
he left in his junior year after he and my mom had my older sister.
he just finished paying off his college loans, he's 43.
he's a kitchen manager.
he makes less than my older sister does at this point.

my parents have been arguing over money for as long as i can remember.
i don't doubt that they love each other,
but they can't talk without fighting,
because of money.

to say i hate money is an understatement.
money has crushed my parents dreams.
i am so afraid of money.
i don't want to live like them, in fear,
constantly stressing about bills and credit.

i don't want to ever be attached to anyone financially,
and no one should ever want to be attached to me financially,
i just don't have the genes for it.

i want to just leave this priced land.
i'd be happy playing in the mud for the rest of my life,
but this education thing seems to be important,
and i don't have an excuse like my dad did.

i don't want to work in a restaurant for the rest of my life.
i don't want to work some mindless job ever, let alone forever,
but i don't want to owe anybody anything.
i feel like i was born in debt.

people see things in me that i don't usually see in myself.
they say i'm an interesting person.
they say that i'm an attractive person.
they say that i'm a good boy.
they say that "it'd be a tragedy for someone like me not to finish school."

what if i don't end up doing anything with my degree once i get it?
will this all be for nothing?
fucking zero?
that'd be a tragedy.

i hate this library,
and chances are it hates me too...

2008-12-03T07:07:00.000-08:00

Day out, day in It's the alarm versus me and the snooze button wins. I've been waking all my life to become what I'm going to be. I'm a crone, la da da da da da A headstone Day out, day in and begin again Day out, day in recycle bins cash out, cash in debit pins day out, day in the paper cuts my skin again skin again Cash out, cash in I can burn all I earn on some weakness or whim without thinking I'm a mark for their marketing plans I'm Americancer A Myspace romancer Cash out, cash in and begin again Day out, day in recycle bins Cash out, cash in debit pins Day out, day in the paper cuts my skin again skin again Day out, day in Vitamins give out, give in Vicodins Day out, day in the paper cuts my skin again skin again skin again skin again All ye, all ye, come home free Olly Olly oxen free Day in, day out I call time out All ye, all ye, come home free Olly Olly oxen free Day in, day out I call time out I call time out Give out, give in If a man's hands show his trade does it suit me then This papercut skin that makes me wince with each hand I'm required to shake, shake, shake, shake Day out, day in recycle bins cash out, cash in debit pins Day out, day in the paper cuts my skin again skin again Day out, day in Vitamins give out, give in Vicodins Day out, day in the paper cuts my skin again skin again skin again skin again I call time out Olly Olly oxen free

2008-12-02T08:45:00.000-08:00

i read a great interview with brandon boyd.
they asked all the most important questions that i would ask,
and received many of the answers i expected.
the verdict:
school is my form of procrastination.
school is how i get away from what i really want to do.
am i gonna stop?
probably not,
i have too much invested at this point.
it makes sense that in my head i group college with my car payments and all of the things that i need to just get through before i can do what i want.
it is commonly thought that the modern artist needs to sacrifice before he can really have the sense of self that it takes to make honest art.
maybe i have to make this sacrifice?
i know that sounds condescending,
as my sacrifice is hardly the sort of suffering that many have to go through in their lives,
but college is a load,
and it is a sacrifice for someone who isn't their for all the right reasons.
i don't know,
i'm just trying to justify what i'm doing,
just like anybody else.
life continues regardless,
i just wish i could see where this is going...

anyways, happy december!
listen to the pixies.
then listen to the matches.
then listen to a whole bunch of christmas songs.
if you end up at the flaming lips by the end of the day,
congratulations, you've just had a breakthrough!
it might not make sense now,
but it will.
i'd say trust me, but you probably shouldn't.
just listen and digest.

"so to hell with holiday romantics,
december is for cynics, december is for critics.
let's get by on nyquil and hibernate,
december is for cynics.
damn, it's too easy being great..."

2008-11-29T22:12:00.000-08:00

i guess i'm lame tonight.
a whole bunch of people from work were doing some laser tag/hotel party thing from midnight to six and i opted out.
i did so for a number of reasons that actually do make a lot of sense,
but logic is kinda one of those "party pooper" attributes.
i feel a little bad about it,
because this girl already had a ticket for me.
i guess she had it before hand anyways,
but i still feel bad that i ended up not claiming it as i said i would.
i'm just tired man.
i don't want to be out all night,
especially not out in danvers with a bunch of people i hardly know.
were it my good friends i might make the trip,
but for a bunch of people that i work with?
i don't think so.

.........

i'm tired.
i'm goin' to bed...

2008-11-28T20:48:00.000-08:00

i'm experiencing some of the benefits of being my own client in my w.f.a. class at school.
i've been getting outside of my music,
and subsequently, outside of myself,
looking in, trying to figure out what the hell is going on,
what i'm actually doing,
why i'm actually doing it.

when every kid is little,
they are presented with the question:
what do you want to be when you grow up?
i've always loved thinking about this question and the idea behind it because i think i had such an excellent response;
i wanted to be a garbageman and own my own junkyard.
i drew a picture and everything.
why be a garbageman?
so i could use all of the trash to make sweet things, of course,
and so i could ride on the back of the truck because that just looks fun.
this was my untarnished 5 year old reasoning,
and i absolutely love it.

why do i bring this up?
because at some point while looking back at myself and my music,
i remembered this and it all just made sense.
i love bringing out the beauty in the "ugliest" of things.
it ties in perfectly with my attraction to manic behavior and distorted art.
it helps me to explain why i love writing the poppiest songs with the ugliest chords,
and why i love to yell over happy music.

in essence,
i guess i've become the garbageman of my childhood aspirations,
minus the sweet truck and the implied smell.
i take nasty chords and make music out of them.
i use colloquial terminology to describe complex ideas.
my friends are all conflicted, and i love them that way.

i was, am, and always will be the garbageman.
i like that...

2008-11-23T01:41:00.000-08:00

just keep pushin',
just get through the semester,
then you can play your music.

i'm real wishy-washy about my music lately,
constantly changing my mind about what i wanna do and how i wanna do it.
i think part of it has to do with my lack of funding and experience to just sit down and make a good recording,
but i always fall back on that,
make money my scapegoat.
the fact of the matter is,
i wanna play everything but know that i can't do that right now,
and that makes me wanna play nothing.
inspiration is in short supply right now,
for whatever reason.
could be school,
but then that could be another scapegoat as well.

my latest denial has been stress.
i've been refusing to believe that i am under any stress,
or that i do stress about anything.
i don't know how to handle it.
i'll need to figure that one out later.
i hate stress.

"come and listen to my songs,
they sound a little off sometimes,
but i know they're gonna turn out just fine,
in the end their gonna turn out alright..."

2008-11-19T07:20:00.000-08:00

"i keep gettin' friends lookin' like lesbians,
if we get bored, we'll move to california."

gorgeous, nothing.
simple and pretty, nothing.
i'm tired.
i'm bored.
i'm past lonely,
which makes me feel like i should somethin',
oh well.
i will do shitty on my next test.
i have a tree worth of papers due.
the black might as well be tattooed around my eyes.
vacation is lookin' really good right about now.

and all i wanna do is play my music and have some fun...

2008-11-17T06:44:00.000-08:00

school is pretty easy for me once i force myself to do it.
i've never thought of myself as that kind of smart.
i think i was always trying to be smarter than that,
i don't know.

stupid on purpose is the new smart.
i'm smart,
but i like acting stupid.
smart people that like to show off their intelligence tick me off.
i try to share what i know without being too smart about it.
i still tick myself off sometimes.

you can take a person out of the shit,
but you can't take the shit out of the person,
unless you have that colon cleaning procedure done,
which i hear actually makes you feel great;
but that's a little bit more literal than i was shooting for.

"i don't know where this is going,
but it's probably the same place that we started."

"'cause the boys in the hood are always hard.
come talkin' that trash and we'll pull your card.
knowin' nothin' in life but to stay legit;
don't quote me boy i ain't said shit..."

2008-11-13T10:20:00.000-08:00

"may your trails be crooked, winding, lonesome, & dangerous, leading to the most amazing view."
- edward abbey

maybe it's time to get a book?

2008-11-12T07:53:00.000-08:00

just lost one of those deep, questioning blogs to the internet monster.
pretty much it said this:

fuck.
i could be dependent on school.
i could do a lot with the time i spend here.
i might be making a mistake,
whether for the right reasons or not.

atlas,
the image is perfect.
i want a tattoo...

2008-11-11T19:34:00.000-08:00

"and we rock,
because it's us against them.
we found our own reasons to sing,
and it's so much less confusing when lines are drawn like that,
when people are either consumers or revolutionaries,
enemies or friends hanging on the fringes
of the cogs in the system,
it's just about knowing where everyone stands..."

i cut my finger climbing a tree tonight;
that could be enough for now...

2008-11-09T19:01:00.000-08:00

i'm so focused on destruction right now.
my heart doesn't feel good and i don't know why.
all i wanna do is break and yell,
hoarse, angry yells over stuttered fragments of distorted simplicity.
i want to yell all the anger out of me.
i don't want it here.
i don't know why it's appearing in me,
again.

this is emotion over logic.
this is reckless abandon.
i will start a fight and let someone else finish it.
i want scars.
i want people to see the spirit of anarchy in my tattered features.
i once said that there was a person i wanted to be,
and that i'd be taking steps to make him me.
maybe now is the time for another bone-shattering leap down the staircase...

2008-11-07T23:25:00.000-08:00

sometimes i like to think of my life as a novel,
and i like to think of different parts of my life as chapters.
maybe that's why i like blogging like this,
it's kinda a good way keep track of the chapters.

obviously, i'm the main character of my novel,
however, i'd be interested to see where each of my "supporting characters" were ranked,
how important is anyone to my story?

i'd imagine my whole life wouldn't be in the novel,
more like the most important events of my life that build me up to some ultimate conclusion or lesson of life.
who has been with me for all of the most important stuff?
how the hell do i know what the important stuff even is?
i know a lot of people,
but i have no clue how many of them are really important to my ultimate conclusion.

today was my last day at the 99,
i probably won't see any of those people ever again.
that's a little bit weird.
i can just pack up and move like that without regret,
i've done it before, and i'll do it again.
how is anybody really important?

when i got home my family was watching a movie called "the nines."
it was kinda out there,
but for some reason i really connected with it tonight.
what if the novel was real?
what if i'm writing it down as we speak.

"i could break the world down with a single thought..."

2008-11-05T07:44:00.000-08:00

i'm beat.
i keep nodding off and forgetting where i am,
like it'd be cool if i just woke up somewhere else,
like my bed.

i'm definitely stretchin' myself pretty thin right now.
i'll get through it.

next semester could be pretty intense.
i'll get through it.

"i see kids run by, i watch them grow,
they'll learn much more than i'll ever know,
and i think to myself, 'what a wonderful world.'"

technology is self-destructive.
why do people keep improving and adding things?
complicating our world?
it seems to me like all anyone wants to do is get back to simpler times,
and yet here we are,
styles and trends changing faster than ever before,
technology growing at such a rapid pace that things are outmoded before they hit the market,
theories and ideas second guessed before they can reach fruition.
it's so easy to get lost in the details.
we live in a world of details.

choices are being made by where the light is shining,
forgive me for trying to figure out the shadows.

"because when the sun shines, we'll shine together,
told you i'll be here forever, said i'll always be your friend,
took an oath imma stick it out 'till the end.
now that it's raining more than ever,
know that we still have each other,
you can stand under my umbrella,
you can stand under my umbrella..."

2008-10-30T10:38:00.000-07:00

let's talk about digestion.
in every sense of the word,
i have always felt like i just don't do it right,
like there is something about my body and my mind that takes things in and sorts through it in a fashion that just isn't right.
this has lead to me growing, developing, perceiving and understanding differently than most people, if not all people.

i don't know what a "settled stomach" is,
i don't think i've ever had one,
different degrees of unsettled perhaps.
i don't know.

i wonder about things like whether i wipe my ass correctly,
or my poop looks normal.
i don't worry about it,
but i definitely wonder.
these are just simple things.
gross to many,
but i'd just say it's something to talk about.

who thinks about this kinda stuff?
this is me digesting...

2008-10-27T22:42:00.000-07:00

i am procrastinating.
i need to be thinking about the project that i'm supposed to be doing now,
but i can't because i keep thinking of other things,
the most fun of which is my halloween costume,

i've decided, and the winner is...

(drum roll)

rock 'n' roll mummy!

it will be bad ass.
i'm excited.
it really is the little things in life...

2008-10-06T22:28:00.000-07:00

it's 1:30 am and i just finished writing a paper due by midnight.
i left a note with it.
my professor is a reasonable guy and i think it's a pretty ballin' essay,
so i don't anticipate there being a problem with it.

if he's upset about it,
i'll just explain that i was totally stressed out and needed to go to a show instead of staying and writing and delivering my paper on time.
he may not understand, but honestly,
had i not gone to this show,
i would not have been able to write the essay that i did.
i would have sat in front of my computer for twice as long as i just did,
and the result would be a shitty, unmotivated paper that would not be worth much more than a 1.0 for the five hours of my life that i wasted doing it.
i'm happy with the paper i turned in,
and that's good enough for me.
brotha-man will deal.

on another note,
i got my ass kicked at the show.
i still had my wounds from when i took that digger long boarding the other day,
then i go to this show and decide to be one of the "pit characters,"
so it isn't hard to understand why they opened back up and why i'll be real sore for the next few days.

on to the subject of "pit characters" because that sounds like something that might be entertaining to discuss.
when i use the term "pit character" (which is totally something i just made up now, but looks pretty official in quotations so i think i might use it more often),
i mean a person who goes to a show and finds a home in the general mosh or circle pit area long enough to develop an identifiable persona amongst the whole of the audience.
for example, tonight at the show,
there was an outstandingly loud, drunk dude who made his presence known early.
he was wearing a black beater and a red handkerchief tied around his dark hair that helped to make him standout.
i dubbed him Ralph Macchio for the evening.
he made his presence known to all through his behavior and outfit,
therefore he's a "pit character,"
an outstanding personality at a rock show who makes their presence known in the pit,
which is pretty much center stage.
these people subject themselves to the judgements of the crowd,
gaining either approval and friendship or ridicule and the possibility of becoming a target for people to hate on in the pit.

tonight, i was one of those.
i had fun and made some friends,
but i also got my ass kicked.
that's life,
you take the good with the bad.

damn, i love taking stupid concepts and making them important by tagging "that's life" to the end of them.
ha ha, but then again,
that's life...

2008-10-06T07:26:00.000-07:00

i'm sore.
i'm exhausted.
i have to rewrite an essay due today,
making sure to avoid my consistent use of colloquial grammar and the passive voice because they are inappropriate in an academic essay.

i am colloquial grammar.
i am the passive voice.
i come to college, learn, and then tell everyone what i've learned colloquially, in easy terms with an emphasise on action, and you know what:
they get it...

2008-10-02T09:21:00.000-07:00

i have a plan.
never in my life have i really had a plan,
but i kinda do now.

my plan is to keep working my way through school,
so that when i graduate, i have no kind of debt looming over me.
also, my car will be paid off by then too.
i will be at zero.

the next step is to leave for a while.
the second that i am at zero,
i think i'm just gonna take off for a while,
maybe with purpose, maybe without,
either way i want to escape without direction for a while.

my only real goal for my life is some kind of cross country or east coast tour with my music.
i'm past the point of needing to be a superstar,
i just want to take my music around just to say i have.
it's about the music, not the fame.

beyond that, i have no real goals or career aspirations.
the way i see it,
as long as i'm alive i'm gonna be doing something,
so what does it matter what career i take up.
in the bigger picture, a career is just a small portion of a life anyways.
i'm not so concerned with that.

plans do have a funny way of changing though.
there isn't a whole lot that would change my current plans,
but i can think of a few things.
mostly family and friend stuff, they come first.

then there's that whole relationship aspect of things and the plans could change for one person.
i was once told to forget, and i have mostly.
but every now and then, i remember and i miss her.
when i forgot, i forgot not just her,
but the whole desire.
it dawned on me the other day that i haven't been with anyone for anything in a long time,
not even a stupid date or even gotten a number.
i just don't have the motivation.
sometimes it's because i'm scared, i know.
but usually i'd just rather make a friend.

i'm not a ladies man,
i don't think i'd really like meaningless sex.
i had a love,
and as much as i try to forget or right songs about how i'm over her,
the truth is that i'm not.
i have a "one who got away,"
and i'm not over her,
and i can't forget.
but i'll respect her till the day i die,
and if she doesn't want me to be a part of her life,
then i won't be.

i've done some stupid things to her,
and some even stupider things in her absence,
but i think i'm changing for the better now.
i'm not asking for a second chance,
but should she ever need me for anything,
i hope she can remember that i'll always be willing,
and i'm not hard to find...

2008-09-18T20:52:00.000-07:00

it's amazing how much can happen in just two weeks.
i've been doing a lot of thinking about time lately and how much i really have.
life is long, man, it really is.
i cannot begin to understand how it's gonna feel to be old.
what am i gonna do in the time it takes me to get old?
it just seems like getting old is gonna be so boring.
life is kinda boring, or at least it can be.
i feel like there's a million things i could do,
but i don't really want to do anything.
or maybe i want to do everything but i'm just too overwhelmed?

family?
i might have a family some day?
that's just too fucked up.
i can hardly take care of myself and i'm supposed to have a family?
my mom was younger than me when she started having kids.
what the fuck?!
why would anyone do that?

were me, lexi, and andrew really mom and dad's choice?
did they really feel like they were ready?
i couldn't imagine having kids,
making a choice of that magnitude.
what if you have kids only to find out that you're a terrible parent?
you can't just stop being a parent.

i'm a choice.
i'm a choice made by my parents that changed their lives forever.
i couldn't make that choice,
not right now.

you know, i could die right now.
then what?
would that make me a bad choice?

i have been lost in my head the past few days.
people are moving, people are dying, and here i am screwing around.
working full time to pay for an education that i probably don't need.
but what would i do if i wasn't doing this?
nothing?
just lounge around all the time?
that's not much of a life.

i'll find something.
i stress and i question,
but i know that ultimately i'll just get through it.

i hope he didn't overdose because if he did,
then that means it could have been suicide and that's just too much for me to handle.
the thought that someone i know could commit suicide scares me.
it's weird to think that someone i see daily could just decide to quit and then they'd be dead.
hell, everyone i know could die all at once for no reason at all, then what?
what's a person to do when people start dying?

i'm frightened.
i'm frightened of the future.
what the hell am i supposed to do?
r.i.p. pat, hopefully you're in a place where there is no stress and things aren't so complicated as here...

2008-09-04T22:03:00.000-07:00

back to school again,
this time working a normal full-time job,
and actually doing the band thing consistently throughout class time.
i have a lot of work to do this semester,
but i'm looking forward to it.
i like school,
i really do.

the world is a crazy place.
i'm crazy.
perhaps, neither of us is crazy at all...

2008-08-07T21:56:00.000-07:00

long time, no blog.
i've kinda been busy lately with that whole "life" thing,
lame.

i'm tired of coming to realizations.
the past few years have just been one realization after an other,
over and over to the point where i now have realizations reaffirming realizations that i had formerly disregarded as false due to then-up-and-coming realizations which have clearly since been disregarded themselves.
i'm just sick of the soul searching.
it's kinda like the last few hours of a long trip,
where all you wanna do is sleep,
but you're totally incapable of doing so,
so you just have to sit and wait it out till your body crashes.
it's the sort of helplessness that one feels when they're given a long list of tasks to do written down in an entirely foreign language.

life isn't bad right now,
it's pretty good actually.
i'm just tired of growing up.
i almost wish i could just skip it,
just have all of life's answers and secrets placed before me so that i could be at peace and understand my purpose in it all.
right now, if i was given that opportunity,
i'd take it.

"i'm a fucking balloon..."

2008-07-21T22:01:00.000-07:00

it's ok.
i'm ok.
we're ok.

some might call this a wasted day,
well i say, "nay" to that.
i have met many new people today.
i have been to a couple of new places today.
i have rejuvenated an old interest of mine today.
and i have had a considerable amount of time to just think about life today.
me, i'd call today pretty damn good.

i can usually have a good time as long as i'm out and about,
doing something new or keeping myself entertained with some assorted activity.

today was also cool because it was the first day that i genuinely missed school,
like i can't wait for it to start in the fall.
it's gonna be fairly difficult and i'm gonna be super busy all the time,
but i think it'll be fun,
if not in course, then definitely in retrospect.

life is in motion,
so don't slow down...

2008-07-15T11:19:00.000-07:00

out of it.
i am so out of it all the time.
i feel like i need a massage.
i feel like i need a never ending massage all over my body to make me feel right again.
did i ever even feel right?
will i ever feel right?
what the fuck is "right"?
i'm filled with questions.
i'm at a lack of answers.
this is life.
these are the lives we lead...

2008-07-11T12:09:00.000-07:00

i feel like i just got punched in the heart.
i feel that a lot,
sometimes when i'm reading,
sometimes when i'm hangin' with a group of friends,
sometimes when i'm all alone driving to and from work.
i feel that a lot.

i have this problem,
it's a condition really,
it's called fear.
i am afraid of so many things.
i try to cope.
i like to think i'm getting better for the most part,
but there are some fears that i may never overcome for reasons i don't fully understand.
it's frustrating.

i feel like i could be picture perfect,
like i could do everything right,
and it wouldn't matter,
i'd still be alone.
i feel like i could change a million lives,
but i could never fix my own.
my heart hurts...

2008-07-01T20:45:00.000-07:00

take it as you will.
tell me what you think.
i'll pretend i don't care,
then i'll change it up to spite you.

this is how i feel.
nothing but reaffirmed,
time and time again.

i was never a musician anyways,
i think i was always an artist...

"help me, help me, won't you.
sing me, sing me, one last song..."

2008-06-30T23:19:00.001-07:00

"do you wanna know where my love is?
do you wanna know how my song goes?
do you wanna know where my love is?
don't you know..."

there's nothing i love more than hearing a new song that i can relate to,
a song that helps tell my story,
to everyone,
and to me...

2008-06-30T21:53:00.000-07:00

i'm an action person.
i like to be doing things,
either physically or otherwise.
i like it when i'm able to turn a day into a challenge or an adventure.

i'm gonna try to start recording more.
anything and everything,
even if it amounts to nothing.
it'll give a project,
something to do.

i need to start working out again too.
when i was on vacation,
all of the kayaking and snorkeling and surfing i did really got me amped about life.
i love things like those because they get me moving and they're way more fun than working out.
i miss playing sports.
i used to and still love that kind of stuff.
i got to keep moving,
it's the only way to live...

2008-06-16T21:34:00.000-07:00

subliminal messages are fucked up.
all the slight things that different ad companies do to help their product appeal to either more people or just a certain group of people.
it's weird, man.
it's weird observing life after the communications classes i've had.
i learned all this crazy shit about communication through different mediums and why people respond the way they do,
and now i can't help but notice all the crazy different ways ideas are communicated to the public,
to send a message about their product subliminally.
different colors, different fonts, different techniques,
all with the aim to catch the eye of the right customer at the right time.
that's all i see now,
the subliminal messaging in everything.
it sucks.
i almost feel like i know too much sometimes...

2008-06-15T21:36:00.000-07:00

tonight is one of the few times where i have something to say,
but i'd rather not say it on here.
plans really.
i always try not to plan whenever possible because i think life is more exciting that way,
but i think i could have some big plans in the near future and i don't need anybody to know just yet.
maybe not.
this could just be one of those ideas that ends up amounting to squat,
but i've been thinking about it for a little while now and haven't lost interest,
so what's to say i won't actually follow through with my ideas for once?

it's weird to think about the crucial choices we make,
you know, the ones that really affect a considerable portion of your life and the lives of others.
it's weird to think that it comes down to a simple choice on things,
like life is just a drive-thru with a huge fucking display of choices and we just choose.
it's really makes a lot of sense too because we can't choose whats on the menu,
but we do get to choose what we'll have to eat;
that's life.

i don't know,
just another one of my goofy metaphors.
it doesn't really mean anything.
i'm going to bed.

"it's all fun and games until somebody sticks somebody else in the eye with a hot poker..."

2008-06-10T21:40:00.000-07:00

i'm a third eye shy of a divine high five;
i'm blind.
i want to see now, please.
pleased in pleasing every deity,
though i won't fall back in line,
that's not what was meant;
freedom, liberty, a life well spent,
where spending time transcends the clock,
where a clock is nothing more than a meager tick or a tock.
i don't want to think i know,
i want to know,
or better yet, i want to grow.

i wonder if it all makes sense in the last moment before we die...

2008-06-10T00:30:00.000-07:00

dude, i think i'm a buddhist.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Noble_Eightfold_Path

read it and learn.
take your time because that's the point.

i just wrote a whole bunch of really deep stuff,
but it all got trashed by the unwanted pushing of the wrong button by me,
but i'm over it.

i've discovered that i'm not looking for answers,
just a good idea,
which i'm beginning to find.
i have lived a great life.
i am proud to be me tonight.
i feel good.

"there are no coincidences."

love others,
learn,
love yourself,
understand,
love life,
now you're living...

2008-06-08T21:07:00.000-07:00

i'm a tough guy, i think.
not a tough-guy,
but definitely durable,
able to fight through pains and things that some people can't handle.
i think that makes me kinda tough.
i just choose not to let things bother me.
i don't ever really give up because i physically can't stand something.
sometimes my mind turns on me,
but my body never stops.

i'm a hard worker.
my parents are too blue collar for me not to be.
they're gonna be working tough jobs till they're old,
and i will too, unless i find a way out.

that's one of the driving forces in music today;
the drive to avoid the monotonous life of the working class,
the drive to get out of the small time, bullshit neighborhoods that threaten to suck away the best years of our lives.

adventure on the mind tonight,
everybody wants to get out like there is somewhere great to get out to.
well, i've seen a few places in my life,
and they all look the same to me.
sure, every town has different character,
but none of them are really that much better than the other,
not even new york or boston.
the best thing i can think to do is leave often,
but always keep your home close in mind.

i am burnt raw and entirely uncomfortable,
but for the moment,
i am content...

2008-06-06T20:52:00.000-07:00

awake and in dreamland,
i have little concept of days anymore.
i mean, i usually know what day it is,
and even what time it is,
but as far as where the days go,
i have no clue.
i just punched through a month like it was just a day or two.

it's weird to think that in just a few years,
this is how things will always be.
i'm just now coming to the realization that soon there will come a time without school or summer vacations,
soon there will be just work and life as the years go by.
it's kinda scary to think about,
removing such a dominant facet of one's life in just one fell swoop,
forever changing one's perception of time and how to spend it.

in the years to come,
i anticipate both a new sense of freedom and a new sense of restriction.
responsibility is such a drag...

2008-05-28T22:21:00.000-07:00

i feel unusually responsible right now,
after getting home from work and proceeding to clean dishes without being told or asked and then turning off all of the lights and such.
i suppose it's nothing special,
but it'd make my mom proud.
maybe she'll notice and say something,
maybe she won't,
either way,
i know she feels proud when i do things like that.

i just got showed who was boss by some mosquito.
she bit me in like 12 different places before i got her.
now i'm all itchy and swelling.
damn allergies.

it's 1:28 in the morning.
i know i need to get to bed,
but i felt like writing something,
so here i am.

i'm coming up with this crazy story in my head;
a little bit fantasy, a little bit science fiction.
i don't know what i'm gonna do with it,
maybe a book, maybe a comic, maybe a movie script,
who knows?
maybe i won't end up doing anything with it,
and it'll become just another lost idea,
or maybe it'll be just what i need to get noticed,
and will blast me into super-stardom?
that's the beauty of an idea, i guess,
you can never really tell what will come of it.
everybody on the planet has millions of ideas a day.
most of them get lost,
but some of them become great.
there's no telling how or why,
no blueprint for a great idea,
they aren't at all planned,
they just happen sometimes,
and when they come about through the right person at the right time,
that's when great things happen.
it's rare,
rare for everything to line up just right,
but when they do,
life just makes sense.

i have millions of ideas floating around in my head.
a few of them could be great,
most of them are probably garbage.
we'll have to see what ends up coming out on top.
only time will tell how great any of my ideas really are,
only time will tell my worth.

"that's life, as all the people say,
you're riding high in april, shot down in may,
but i know that i can change that tune,
when i'm back on top, back on top in june..."

2008-05-28T10:02:00.000-07:00

today seems like an ok day.
i have work in a little bit,
but until then i think i'll just chill.
if i get bored with myself,
maybe i'll start calling people,
but i doubt i will.

i've been working a lot lately,
since i got my new job;
about 35 hours in my first week.
it's fun,
a good job and all that.
the people there are nice,
and it's better than doing nothing all day.
i like it because it keeps me busy;
like you start working,
and then it's suddenly closing time.
even closing time,
which can take a considerably long time,
runs by pretty smooth.
i like that.
i like losing my grip on time.

of course,
i'd be lying if i said i didn't miss all of that extra time i used to have to do nothing.
i do miss the freedom to just call people up at random to hang out,
but then again,
now that my time is limited,
i try to make it count, so it's good.
a few great minutes always beat a few ok hours in my books.

it's nice out today.
despite my normally crippling head,
i do feel pretty alright,
today...

2008-05-22T22:43:00.000-07:00

i'm beginning to find fault in my musical aspirations.

it almost seems like when i first started getting into music,
it was an art,
it was a special talent that set one apart from the average.
rock stars weren't normal people,
they were more like demi-gods,
with a divine presence that no normal mortal could possess;
i wanted that then and still do now.
some people turn to religion for purpose,
but i chose to turn to music instead.
i wanted to play my music and and find peace in myself,
i wanted to play my music and understand the world,
i wanted to play my music and know that the universe is right.

i'm just now coming to realize that maybe i was wrong,
maybe my answers can't be found in music,
especially in a day and age when musicians are more common than doctors or lawyers.
music has become a valid, everyday profession,
and by no means does it make you special;
it has lost it's mystique.
don't get me wrong,
i still love music and plan to keep on playing,
but sometimes i just feel so cheap when i play,
like i'm just another normal person trying to make an easy living,
like i'm too pathetic to do anything revolutionary,
too full of shit to really make a difference.

i guess what i'm saying is that i don't know what i'm doing here anymore.
and the trials continue...

2008-05-15T21:04:00.000-07:00

i am incapable of not talking about myself or something having to do with me.
i came to that realization today as the idea was presented multiple times through many different mediums.
it should also be pointed out that this isn't such a terrible thing,
in fact it's quite normal.
many of history's greatest thinkers were dumbfounded by some of the simplest concepts until they were able to experience it first hand or apply it in a way that made them give a shit.
maybe i'm searching for reasons to give a shit?

i always try to put myself on another level.
i want my opinion to be important so i put it up on a pedestal and structure everything i say around my chosen set of ideas for the time being;
kinda like my brain's top 40.
i push these ideas like their gospel because i want them to be,
when in all honesty they're just another song of the week.

sometimes i think i'm pretty gullible, naive, and easily swayed,
but those thoughts are always followed by the concept that maybe i just don't know what i want yet.
that idea, for some reason, seems more reasonable to me;
i can accept that.
i don't want to be gullible, naive, or easily swayed.

musically,
i've tried to start putting a little more story in my songs.
i just realized, however, that there is more story in my songs than i've been aware of.
the story is mine.
i often see my lyrics as self-centered,
but right now i understand that they're just character-centered,
and it would appear that i am the character.
i'm telling my story through my songs.
i write first-person narratives.
when i put it like that, i don't seem so self-centered.
this makes me out to be more of a protagonist than a cocky prick,
but than again, i may be both,
only the songs will tell...

2008-05-11T20:09:00.000-07:00

no,
no no no no,
i think i'm just scared,
to scared by my scars to make it.

dreams,
my crazy dreams,
leak out of my head,
they tell me 'bout my high times.

we've got to make it.
we've got to make this work.
please, i don't have all the time in the world.

she,
seems kinda neat,
and i'm so depraved.
i'm sure we'd love some common ground.

eat,
eat till i sleep,
sleep all damn day,
some kind of fucked American dream.

we've got to make it.
we've got to make this work.
please, i don't have all the time in the world,
and my patience is running thin.

i need a new life.
i don't need a new life,
i just need more time.
risky vibes, i've been shakin'.
my headache's a quake,
and my mind's in denial.

we've got to make it.
we've got to make this work.
please, i don't have all the time in the world,
and my patience is running thin...

2008-05-06T21:12:00.000-07:00

have you ever been angry at someone for not understanding?
for not feeling the way that you feel or you think they should feel?
i do that sometimes and i don't like it.

lately,
a few people that i had been angry with have come to feel how i thought they should've felt before and rather than feel accomplished,
all i feel is regret.

there have been many influential people in my life that have told me they live life without regrets.
it's because of instances like this that i have to disagree with them.

for some reason right now,
i'm reminded of all the times when i have held my ground and been told that some decision i made was wrong, or even just "not cool."
i have a lot of these.

i grew up in a home where strength and standing your ground were not just good qualities to have,
but rather required qualities;
that is how i was supposed to be.
but as i've grown older,
it has been made clear to me that i cannot always stand my ground,
that sometimes sticking up for what i believe in or what i know is right is actually the wrong choice.
it's a real "damned if you do, damned if don't" scenario.
hold my ground, get crushed, feel regret,
or,
don't hold my ground, feel regret.
either way, i feel like i'm stuck,
trapped in a mindset that may never feel totally right about anything.

i wish i was good at math.
math seems to provide the sort of control and structure that i wish i had all the time.
i'm no good at math,
only things like writing where the possibilities are endless and the idea of structure is almost looked down upon.

i'm tired.
tired of feeling responsible for things,
both good and bad.
sometimes i wish i could just be a puppet or a tool to be wielded by something greater than myself.
at least then i wouldn't feel any blame.

regret, blegh...

2008-05-05T19:22:00.000-07:00

i have homework to do right now,
but i don't think i'll get to it tonight,
even though it's due tomorrow.
i just don't have the motivation.

performed a couple songs at school today.
i thought i sucked,
pretty much everybody else disagreed,
including my immediate family, the other performers in the show, some woman bent on me trying out for american idol, and my newly self-proclaimed "fan club" who was nice enough to draw me a picture filled with bubbly hearts and stick figures.
i gave somebody my number.
i doubt i will be called,
but the gesture was nice.

as far as it actually went,
i messed up noticeably in the first song and apologized for it,
and then in the second song my transitions were off,
but i doubt many people picked up on it.
oh well, life goes on.

anyways,
so i'm still doing that procrastination thing at the moment.
checked all of my facebook and myspace and other addictive, time-wasting accounts,
now i'm here.
i guess i don't really have too much to say right now,
nothing complete or pressing enough to write about,
so i guess i'll either go to bed or suck it up and do some work.

honestly,
i could really use a stiff drink right now.
i'm in that kinda mood.
schools almost over, but till then,
i need to relax these nerves...

2008-04-29T20:14:00.000-07:00

there is a constant battle forever going on in my head that i feel like talking about tonight,
and that is the battle over the question:
does god exist or not?

ultimately,
i can promise you that this post will not reveal the answer,
as i have touched upon the subject before in this blog and come up with relatively squat.

honestly, i don't even know where to begin.
i think that i want god to exist.
the idea has a sort of comfort that would make everything seem ok and worthwhile.

however,
if god did exist, i would be very angry to know that the travesties of the world not only could have been averted, but were in fact created by it.

of course,
the rebuttal is that we all go to a "better" place,
and if i knew that god existed and was caring for these our fallen brothers and sisters,
i would be considerably more understanding.

enter the concept of faith.
i don't have it.
not in myself,
not in others,
and certainly not in god.
i've grown up with a real "me against the world" attitude.
not for any reason,
that's just how i've come to be,
and i'm not the only one.
i know that in this day and age there are millions of us out there,
constantly looking over our shoulder,
befriending for trust,
and always remaining wary of even our closest allies.
is this the devil's work?

forgive the cheesiness,
but i believe the phrase is,
"the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he didn't exist."
how is one to know whether or not their fear was implanted by the devil?
and if the devil does exist,
it would certainly appear as though he's winning,
so where's god?
are we doomed to be victims of our own cynicism?
i don't know.

personally,
i believe in god as a metaphor.
contrary to tradition,
i believe not that man was modeled in god's image,
but rather that god was modeled in man's image.
you see,
i like to believe that the average person knows what is truly right and what is truly wrong;
enter the idea of god:
representing love and oneness,
respecting nature and thy neighbor,
reminding us not to kill for the sake of killing.
god is all seeing.
god is all knowing.
god is all understanding.
god is everything that man can strive for.

"love no god but me."
this is trivial.
it's not saying that i am the only being to be worshipped,
it's saying that these are the ideals that you know are right.
this means simply,
do what you know is right, not what you know is wrong.
duh, pretty obvious i think.

organized religion has ruined this idea of god,
breaking it's own rules and turning god into the idol.
god is a feeling,
and it is a feeling that time is slowly forgetting.
the world needs a revival,
and it's not going to come by sitting around and praying to something that isn't there.
it's going to come from us,
from you,
from me.
we are god.
we are the change we seek...